Riley was my son.
I was somebody’s father. It still didn't make sense to me. In my mind, when I had a child, I was a participant in the process. I was there when they were born, I lived with them in the same house, I was in love with their mother, and I gave them everything that my parents failed to give me. I was never sure about whether or not I wanted kids, but I was sure that I was not going to be the kind of parent that my parents had been.
They had barely been parents. I had basically been raised by wolves. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, all on their dime. Money they had plenty of and they gave me all of it, but it wasn't what I wanted. I had learned the hard way that a lot of money, even infinite amounts just didn't match up to having parents who loved and listened to you. It sounded like such a small and stupid thing to ask for, but it meant the world to a child. That was all children really wanted; someone who gave a damn. I swore to myself that my child would never feel neglected. They would know that I loved them. They would know that they could count on me and that they were my first priority. Eddy never let me do that.
Sure, what had happened between us was embarrassing. If Riley had been conceived the night that her husband sold her to me, then I would be embarrassed too. Why did she let that get in the way of her parenting? And why did she allow her embarrassment to get in the way of Riley having a real father around? I would have shown up for him if I knew that he existed. I would have moved back to London. I would have paid for the lawyers to get her divorced from Russell, I would have done anything.
She never let me be a father and that was what hurt the most. She never gave me a choice between whether I would be a good dad or a deadbeat. She forced me into that role by not telling me that I could have been doing better. And what about my son? She made him grow up thinking that Russell was his father. Russell. That disgusting man who had sold his mother in a card game. That drunkard, philandering gambler who had left them penniless.
That was the man who Eddy allowed my son to think was his father. She thought that I was worse for my son than Russell.
I let that sink in.
I sauntered over to the bed and fell down, lying on my back. I wanted Russell to be alive so that I could kill him again. And Eddy? I didn't know what I wanted to do with her. I wanted to never see her again, how about that? How sad was it that I still loved her too much to wish ill upon her? She was still my son's mother and even if I wasn’t involved in his life, I needed her to be okay so that she could take care of him. This sucked. This sucked more than anything I had ever experienced in my life.
I got up to my feet. Russell. Eddy. Riley. Riley.
He could have been living with me. They both could have been living with me in London, or anywhere else but here. He could be going to an exclusive daycare. He could have any toy, any game that he wanted in the world. He could have all the black licorice that he could possibly eat. He could have a father who loved him. I rushed the wall and punched it, my fist making a hole in it. I didn't feel it, but I knew that I would next morning. Fuck this. Fuck everything. I went back to the bed, this time falling face down. I wasn't sure when I passed out, but the shrill sound of my phone ringing woke me up.
When I opened my eyes, I shut them again immediately. My head ached. My whole body hurt. I felt like my joints were trying to separate and my body was disintegrating. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I got up and fumbled around the room for it.
“Hello?” I growled.
“Niall, there you are. Have you just wok
en up?” It was Charlie.
I looked at the phone to see what time it was. It was eleven in the morning, which meant it was the next day. I had been passed out for more than twelve hours. Jesus Christ, I thought I was past this point in my life.
“What do you want Charlie?”
“What’s going on with you?”
“Hangover. What do you want?”
“Has something happened Niall? You got drunk last night and that's not like you. Well, it's not like how you've been lately. What's going on? What's changed?”
Curse Charles and his perception. Was it worth lying to him just to get off the phone? I was sore and hungover. My hand was killing me. I forgot that I drove it into a fucking wall the night before. What was there to hide anymore? Eddy had betrayed me, and everything had fallen apart.
“It's Eddy,” I finally admitted.
“What happened?”
“It turns out, her son who I thought belonged to her and her husband is actually mine. It all started five years ago. The man, Russell, he was a terrible gambler. They were newlyweds and he staked her in a game of cards.”
“That's disgusting.”
“It gets worse. He actually lost. I ended up winning her that night, and well...”
“You slept with her?”
“It's not as bad as it sounds. We both wanted it. We had both been drinking. After that night, I thought I'd never see her again, but now, five years later, I come across her again and I find out she has a son. She has had weeks to tell me that the boy was mine and she didn't.”
“Why would she do that?”
“Are you trying to defend her?”
“No, no. I'm just saying. I want to think that she had a good reason.”