The comedown was quick and painful. Well, are you proud of yourself?
How many times did this have to happen before I stopped doing it? It wasn't only a bad idea; I was hurting people in the process. When it came to my feelings, I could deal with those, but I was misleading Niall into thinking this was going somewhere when all he would get at the end was hurt. Niall really believed that something was going to change. He really believed that he could slowly ease me into a relationship with him, but it was impossible. I was digging myself deeper and deeper into this hole, but I
was the only person who had the responsibility to get myself out of this again.
I wasn't just lying to him when it came to Riley, I was making him believe that this would end up working. That slowly buttering me up week after week would end up with the two of us being together and it just couldn't happen. I felt wretched. I knew how he felt about me, he had told me that he loved me. He had moved to this dingy little village to be close to me. He was forgoing his entire lifestyle just so he could prove that he wanted to be with me. I had to put this to an end. This wasn't a game anymore. I had taken it too far. This was cruel and it wasn't necessary. I was wasting his time. I was milking him for his attention and affection when I knew damn well that I couldn't give him the same.
I loved the man. He was offering me everything, every part of him from his money to his body to his heart, and I wanted to give him the same, but I couldn't accept his offer. I couldn't give him anything in return. What would a life with me even mean when it came to him? He would have to shift his entire lifestyle. I knew he had money, but nobody actually enjoyed wasting it. I couldn't let him pour all that money into mine and Riley’s lives. And what about Riley? What happened to him when he found out that Niall was his real father and Niall’s family retaliated in some way?
I had never felt like this about anybody and I doubted that I would ever feel it again, but this was the end. I had to get out now because waiting around would only cause more damage. I eased myself out of Niall's grasp and got off of the bed.
“Where are you going?” he asked me.
“I'm going home, Niall.”
“Why don't you stay the night?”
“You know I don't stay the night”
“That’s okay, some other night.”
I pulled my dress over my head. I was facing away from him so it was going to be easier to say. “That’s not going to happen, Niall.”
“What's not going to happen?” I turned around and looked at him. He looked so blissful lying on the bed. His hair was messy, and he was naked under the covers. He was absolutely beautiful. The lights were off, and I wished they were on. I wanted to remember this. It was going to be the last time, for real this time. This image of him, in bed, happy and satisfied was how I wanted to remember him. I was just about to ruin it. He was a dream come true, but I couldn't have him. He could be someone else's dream come true, not mine.
“You need to go back to London now, this isn't going to work. I'm not ready for this kind of relationship.”
“Come on babe, this again?”
“Don't call me babe. I can't do this now and don't make me ask you again.”
“We agreed that we were going to date and work it out.”
“That's what we've been doing, and it's not working out.”
His eyes were wide, he was completely confused. I was running hot and cold on him and I hated myself for it. I needed to put an end to this game even if that meant being cruel. He deserved to be free.
“Eddy, what are you talking about?”
“I'm sorry. I really am, but I don't want to do this with you anymore.”
Niall clambered out of the bed. I hurried to get my shoes on. I didn't know how long I could last being in the same room with him.
“Eddy, can we at least talk about this? What happened? What did I do?”
He didn't do anything. He was perfect. He was handsome and generous and kind, and I loved him, but he could never be mine. That just wasn't the case between us. I wish that it was, but it just couldn't be.
“Niall, I swear to God. Why are you still here? You followed me here all the way from London after I told you this very same thing. What else do you want me to say to you? How else can I say it to you? Go back. It's over.”
“So that's it?”
“That's it. I wish you the best of luck and I'm sorry that you came all the way here just for it not to work out in the end. Goodbye.” I turned around and I walked out. Tears were streaming down my face as soon as I got to the door and I was crying by the time I was outside. Once I was inside my car, sobs from the depths of my soul ripped out of me. I cried my eyes out. I felt pain like I had never felt before. I hated it. I wanted to run back in there and tell Niall that I loved him, and I didn't mean a single word that I said. I had spent the last five years thinking about him too and being with him was the only thing I wanted.
But it couldn’t happen. This was the end. I would heal from this eventually, when? Who knew, but at least now I had started the process. I was doing the right thing. Nothing in my body or mind told me that I was, but it had to be. It had to be.
29
Niall