“You should have let him tag along.”
Right. Absolutely. As if the amount of stress I was going through right now wasn't enough. I needed the additional stress of having my four-year-old with us as I was trying to exchange ten thousand pounds for a watch that I shouldn't have sold in the first place. Children had no filter. Riley would say something out of turn the first chance that he got, thinking nothing of it and not understanding when mummy got upset afterward. I was glad Riley wasn’t here, it was for the best. I didn’t want to risk Niall getting perceptive on me and figuring out that my son was actually his as well.
“Maybe next time,” I said. Not. There was not going to be a next time. I was not getting into another situation like this ever again. After this, Niall and I would never see each other again. This close call would be the last and I could finally sleep at night.
“He seemed in good spirits this morning,” he said.
“Sorry?”
“I saw him this morning. He was playing in the puddles in front of the house.”
It took a while for me to remember that I told him my son was sick yesterday.
/>
“Oh, oh, of course, he was. As soon as there are puddles to play in, he is healthy as a horse,” I said.
“He’s an adorable little boy,” he said. I smiled at that. Riley had a legion of fans. He was lovable and smiley, it drew everyone in.
“He is. Thank you.”
“How did he cope with his father passing?” he asked.
“He was sad, of course, he was upset but… I told you about Russell. It wasn’t just me he ignored, it was his son too. He spent almost no time with him. I didn’t like it, but it wasn’t like I could force him to parent his son.”
“Sadly, I get it,” he said. He was ignored as a kid too but for a different reason than my son was. “I don’t know how any man could have a kid like that and not want to spend any time with him. See him grow up. Love him.”
I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. Wonderful. It wasn’t enough that I was working myself into a lather trying to figure out how to exchange the watch for cash again. No, I had to think about how my son’s biological father would have given him the love and attention that he deserved and needed growing up. How my staying quiet had meant my son had spent his most formative years thinking an absentee drunkard was his dad. I blinked back tears.
“Yeah. I tried but I couldn’t change him. He wasn’t in the marriage from the start. Why would that change when a baby showed up?”
“He deserves better too. Your son, I mean. Russell, no offense, is better off where he is right now.”
I agreed. It bothered me that I didn't feel as bad about Russell passing as maybe I should have. We were together for five years. It was a bad five years and he ignored me for most of it, but I developed an unhealthy enough attachment to stay the whole time. When he passed, there should have been more of a difference than when he was still around for me, so I never really had to mourn him.
“I didn't really care that he did it to me but doing it to the boy was completely unnecessary and cruel, no matter what he felt about me.”
“How was he around his son? Did things ever get out of hand?”
I turned my body slightly so Niall was totally out of my field of vision. “Sorry but I’d rather not spend any more time talking about Russell.”
“Sorry for crossing any lines.”
Talking about Russell wasn't the issue. He was interested in Russell, but he was interested in Riley too and I couldn't say more about Riley than had already been said. I didn't know how much I could reveal about him without getting to the fact that Niall was his real father.
We sat in silence for a while as the countryside morphed slowly into the city and the roads became steadily more congested. My mind that had been constantly churning had finally landed on a possible yet flimsy plan.
“Hey, since we're in London and it's going to be a little while before I come back again, I was thinking that maybe I could get some shopping done. Would that be ok with you?”
“That's no problem at all. Did you want to do that before or after handling the watch?”
“Before, I think it's going to take much less time than the shopping.”
“Where did you want to go?” he asked.
A mall was my best bet. There was one close to the pawnbroker’s where I sold the watch. After parking, we headed inside. I usually liked being back in London since life on the estate got lonely but I couldn’t enjoy it this time. We walked through the mall, me trying to make myself look like I actually intended to spend some money. I directed him to a boutique that I had been to before. Their price range was one I used to be able to afford but not so much anymore. I chose it because it was smaller and less crowded than the high street shops. I was betting on him getting bored looking at the racks of blouses and dresses and asking to leave while I finished up.
I picked a random rack and started flicking through the clothes, painfully aware of Niall behind me. Two separate shop attendants came and asked us whether we needed any assistance and I had to turn them both away, unwilling to waste their time when I had no intention of helping either earn a commission today. Niall hovered at my shoulder, silent and patient. My god, was it infuriating. I needed him to get bored and leave. I pulled a random dress off the rack.