“Why did you follow me?”
“Are you really asking me that?”
“You disappear without a word after getting a phone call, running out of the house like it was coming down on top of you and you think I shouldn’t be worried?” His apparent concern was puzzling and annoying at the same time because of how frazzled I was feeling.
“It's not me,” I said, catching myself before I took my negative feelings out on him. “It's my mother. She’s sick right now.”
He sighed, pulling me into a hug. “God, I was so worried,” he said. I bristled.
“That’s not a good thing,” I said.
“No, but now I know what’s happening. Why didn’t you say anything? I was so worried, babe.”
My eyes filled up. I hated that my response to worry, frustration, and sadness was the same. I was frazzled and it had been a while, a long, long while since I had someone to rely on. Since I had had someone worried for me instead of the other way around.
“Babe.” He cupped my face and wiped the tear that had spilled out. I loved him. How long had I been refusing to own up to that? Had I ever stopped or had I just let my caution get in the way of seeing that I had been stuck on this guy for the last seven years. I cried, letting him embrace me. It was everything that I had been feeling since the phone call spilling out mixed with the gratitude I had that he was there for me.
I didn’t have to be strong all on my own. I told him everything. I started at the very beginning, before my mother and I had to move in together. Her feeling off all of a sudden and then eventually getting her diagnosis after multiple doctor visits found nothing wrong. I told him about how the money had been tight from the start but the noose had been getting tighter and tighter. So tight that I had done something I wouldn’t ordinarily do; submitted myself to becoming a surrogate.
It was incredibly cathartic to let it all out. I even stopped myself when I was telling Maggie about the stuff going on in my life, not wanting to worry or upset her too much. I had been so strong for so long, I longed for the release. Charlie listened intently, letting me cry, wrapping me in his arms. I knew we must have looked crazy all hugged up like that in the hospital waiting room but I didn’t care. I felt free suddenly. Nothing had actually changed. We were still in the hospital and there was a chance the doctor would be back with bad news but I finally felt light.
“I’m so sorry this happened to you. Neither you nor your mother deserves this.”
I sniffed. “Yeah, well we just try and take it a day at a time now.”
“You're strong and you're going to get through it.”
“It's not like I have an option,” I said.
“You're doing the carrying for you and your mother, but you don’t have to anymore. I’m here, babe. Whatever you want, whatever you need, I want you to rely on me.”
“Yeah, yeah, your money can fix all my problems. That’s why I signed the surrogacy contract.”
“Treatment costs are no longer going to be an issue but that isn't what I meant. You’ve been taking such good care of your mother that you haven't been paying any attention to yourself. You don’t have to do that anymore. I’m going to take care of you, Brenna.”
I cried again. His words physically lifted the weight off my shoulders. I was so overwhelmed in so many ways, I didn’t know what to do, so I just cried some more. It felt so good knowing he was there, I didn’t feel embarrassed ugly-crying in public. I didn’t have to be afraid anymore. He was there.
It scared me though. If he was back… then he could leave again.
25
Charles
I watched Brenna as she pulled a dress over her head.
“I don't like that dress,” I said.
Brenna looked at me through the mirror.
“No?”
I shook my head.
“You should take it off. Even better, you should go back to bed.”
She laughed softly, looking at her reflection and smoothing the dress over her hips and thighs. It was dark grey, just below knee-length. She gathered her hair in a bun at the back of her head.
“Could you zip me up please?” she asked. I walked into the closet and zipped her dress up for her. It was a very nice piece, in fact. It was hard to believe she had gotten it for just twenty dollars on an online store. I didn’t dislike it at all. I just didn't want her to go to work.