My father’s gaze whips to mine, wide and shocked, and if I thought he’d understand, maybe I would explain. I’d tell him how serious their actions were, how even Xavier got caught up in this, despite having nothing to do with it, and how completely fucked that is. I’d tell him that I’m over it, and that the Devils harm more than they help. What’s that line? With friends like these, who needs enemies?
That’s how I feel about the Devils right now.
But he wouldn’t understand—wouldn’t even bother trying to. This diminishes me. This makes me weak. This makes me powerless and yadda yadda, blah blah.
Moments later, I’m excused. I walk out of the office, passing Emory on the way out. He’s a junior and losing the Devils is going to hurt—he undoubtedly would have been coronated their next leader. He looks at me hopefully, but I clench my jaw and walk on. My father catches up to me outside the front door.
“Stop and turn around,” he demands when he sees that I have no interest in listening.
I slowly turn on my heel, levelling him with a bored look. “I have a lot of shit to do today, so if this is going to be your regular oral history on the magnitude of my fuck-ups, can you just skip to the part where you get in your car and speed off?”
“I don’t know what’s going on with you, Hamilton,” he strides forward, eyebrows pulled low in anger, “but this streak of defiance has been going on for months, and I won’t tolerate it anymore. I told you weeks ago to stay away from that girl—that just being near her would cause you trouble.”
“Sure, it was her,” I look away, eyes scanning the hall to make sure we’re alone. “It wasn’t the Devils. They never cause problems. We’re a fucking bastion of best behavior.” I say, laughing humorlessly. “When are you going to open your damn eyes?”
“Oh, my eyes are open.” He steps closer. “I know you went to see your sister at Thanksgiving. I can only imagine what kind of garbage she’s filling your head with. Is that what made you think you could throw it all away? I’ve half a mind to pull you out of this school and send you to Sparrowood Academy for the rest of the goddamned year.”
“Do whatever you want, Dad. I don’t give a shit anymore.” Even though it hurts, I shrug. “I’m done with the Devils, I’m done trying to be a leader, and most of all, I’m done trying to satisfy you. I could drop out, for all I care.”
His jaw drops and his eyes widen, and I think for a minute he may lash out. But he seems to recover, simply shaking his head. “I don’t know what’s come over you, son. But whatever it is, you’d better work it out before you ruin everything.”
I gape at him, flinging my arms out wide, gesturing broadly. “Everything is already ruined.”
He argues, “Nothing has happened here today that can’t be fixed.”
The worst thing is that,
as it relates directly to his goals, he’s completely right. None of this will make a mark on him, and if he has it his way, none of this will leave a mark on me. Oh, it’ll have to be creative, for sure. Maybe this time he could donate a new gym, a new library, a new science wing, tennis courts, lacrosse field. It doesn’t matter. He’ll throw money at it until everything is perfectly smooth.
The thought of it makes me want to scream. It makes me want to go get that metal barrel, throw my entire life into it, and just burn it the fuck down.
“I think—” I pause, wondering if I really want to do this. But honestly, what the hell do I have to lose? “I think I’m learning that there’s more to this world than your legacy and this...” I struggle, thinking, “...this constant clawing rat race for prestige. Blood doesn’t make you a family, Dad. If it did, you never would have cut Hollis out.”
His nostrils flare as he surges forward. “Family is about loyalty!”
But I stop him. “Yeah, and I’m learning that loyalty is about more than just what someone can do for you. I know you might not want to hear it, but I don’t want to be loyal to you. Not the way you want me to be, at least.”
His eyes bore into mine. “I’ve never done anything but guide you on the path to success. I don’t care whether or not you want to be loyal. You will be.”
“No, I won’t.” I shrug again, stepping back. “I know you think you’re just helping me—maybe you’ve really convinced yourself of that. But we don’t share the same beliefs, Dad. Right now, I don’t deserve to lead the Devils or the swim team. I accept that, even if you don’t.”
“Deserve?” He scoffs, giving me a snide look. “This isn’t something you deserve, it’s something you’re entitled to.”
It’s then that I realize I won’t get through to him. I can see it on his face. He still thinks he has me, that he can still control and reason with me on the merit of our last name. He hasn’t heard a single word I’ve said.
“Father.” I put my hand on his shoulder and look him in the eye. “I love you, but right now, I don’t respect you. Maybe that bothers you, maybe it doesn’t. Either way, I don’t want to be you. I want to be someone who can look at himself in the mirror every day, and that’s not a path you’re equipped to guide me to.”
With that, I turn and walk away, because it really doesn’t matter what he thinks. It only matters what one person thinks, and she already hates me. The only way forward is to come to terms with that, even if I’m not sure I can.
28
Gwen
“Are you sure this is what you want to do?”
“Yes, sir.” I stand before Coach, my stomach a twist of anxiety. This isn’t about what I want to do. Nothing could ever be so easy as that. This is what I have to do. I can’t stay at Preston Prep another second. Every moment I remain on this campus, it takes another little part of me, chipping away, bit by bit. Maybe there isn’t much of me left, but whatever is there? I’m taking it away from this place.
“You’re aware that Hamilton has been removed from his position as captain by the administration, right?” He frowns at me, eyes searching. “This leaves me with no leadership on the team.”