“Mathcore. What the hell even is that?” Xavier snorts. “Still better than the ragtime jug band phase, though.”
I look around the space—it’s gotten sort of excessively gross over the past couple years—and kick an empty beer can into the corner. “It does, though.” At his inquisitive glance, I elaborate, “Get harder, coming back.”
“Well, it’s probably different for you, you don’t even like it at home,” Xavier says, kicking back against the side of the window. “Did you know I have two dogs?”
I raise an eyebrow. “No.”
“Piper and Melon,” he says, turning his gaze to the empty courtyard below. “Black labs. I barely get to see them anymore.”
I roll my eyes. “If this is supposed to be a guilt trip, then I’m disappointed. You can do better than missing your dogs. Aren’t you leaving behind three hot tubs and a yacht?”
Xavier catches my smile and laughs. “No, not a guilt trip. Let’s face it, my parents would have found a reason to ship me off eventually, with or without your dad sending you here.”
I’m momentarily caught off guard. “Yeah, but you’ve been pinning that shit on me for months.”
“Well, I was pissed at you because of all that stuff with Skylar.” He shrugs nonchalantly. “But I’m a Devil. I’m not allowed to be mad at you for that. So, I just found something I could be mad about.”
“Wait.” I blink at him, stunned. “Really?”
He nods. “Yeah, I’m not going to pretend I’m a pillar of maturity or anything. It’s weird, isn’t it? All the dumb shit we hide to save face with all these jackasses.” He looks me dead in the eye. “Kind of like how you’ve been fucking Gwen.”
I go utterly still, an aborted exhale dropping like a brick in my chest. He’s looking at me like he’s daring me to lie, and I probably should. I should at least try. But a bigger part of me wants to say ‘fuck it’, and just go to one of those windows and tell the whole goddamned campus that, yes, she’s mine.
I want to tell them that it’s not just about the sex. What I feel for her goes way beyond that, now. This girl… she’s in my head all the time. When was the last time I had to tell myself that things would get better? That I’d just need to make it to the next achievement, the next grade, the next label, and then it would get better?
It already is better.
Being with her—being challenged by her, seen by her, liked by her—makes it better. It makes me better.
Last night, at the play, she’d looked so hurt, and the last thing I want is to hurt her more. That’s what fuels the instinct of shutting down when we’re around others. It’s a shield of protection. For her. For me. For us.
But I know one thing for certain; I never want this to stop.
It’s a big move for me, but after talking to Hollis, I’m ready to take it. I’m going to have to let the Devils know, but I have to go about it carefully. Strategically. Once they find out, so will my father, and from there my life shifts dramatically. For both me and Gwendolyn. I need more time to get it right, to lay out a plan.
So, I can’t tell the Devils.
But maybe I can tell a friend.
“You’re wrong,” I tell Xavier, something unwinding in my chest. “It’s more than fucking.”
Xavier watches me for a long moment, hands flexing around his phone. “Don’t fucking do this, Hamilton.” He drops from the window’s ledge, stone-faced as he turns to me. “We’ve put those people through enough of our bullshit. And more than a little of that was at your command. Now, what? What happens after the shine wears off of this exciting conquest of yours, huh? What are you going to do to her then? How ugly is it going to be?”
“She isn’t a conquest,” I insist.
“Bullshit, dude. I know you.” He gives me a long look, an edge of disgust curling against his mouth. “She was the one girl at this school you couldn’t have. It’s so typical of you, I don’t know how we all didn’t see it coming a mile away.”
“You’re wrong,” I say, shrugging, and I’m not even mad, because Xavier has my number. That’s exactly how all this shit started. But it’s sure as hell not how it’s going to end.
He looks at me in disbelief. “How am I wrong?”
“If people found out we were together,” I explain, “do you know what I risk? My family, probably. My dad would shit a brick. I wouldn’t be the leader of the Devils anymore, that’s for damn sure. My trust fund, my eligibility for college, all of it.”
Xavier rolls his eyes. “Is this where you tell me that you’re still doing it, even though you could lose everything? Because dude, I know you. The bigger the risk, the more you enjoy it.”
“No, I was going to say,” I narrow my eyes. “That despite all that, the thing that scares me the most about this getting out is what it’d do to her. Losing all that shit would suck, my entire life would be turned upside down. But I could take it.” I look out the arched window, toward her dorm, just in time to catch her figure disappearing through the door of the building. “But I couldn’t take it if something happened to her—especially because of me.”
Xavier is silent, watching me closely.