I nod, knowing he’s right. “That’s not what I’m upset about.”
Ozzy frowns. “What’s wrong? Do you know something else?”
I take a deep breath. “I talked to Rose right before school started. She came by the pool when she knew I would be alone.” I swallow back bile. “I hadn’t really spoken to her in years, and to say I was surprised to see her, alone, is an understatement.”
The enormity of what I’m saying isn’t lost on any of these guys. They knew how big the rift between us was.
“What did she want?” Finn asks quietly.
“She told me she was sorry about the prank and for pushing me away. She said she’d fallen for Juliette like a drug. That being around her was exciting and different and that she realized now that like all amazing drugs, it was just a gateway to something stronger and more consuming.”
“She apologized?” Finn’s as surprised as I was.
I nod. “There’s something else.” I look away, the guilt too much to bear. “She told me she was in some kind of trouble, and that she needed my help.”
“What kind of help?”
“I don’t know.” I bend, wrapping my arm around my stomach. The dam bursts and tears start to fall. “I told her to get out of there. To leave me alone.”
“You what?” Finn whispers.
“I thought it was another one of her pranks. Just a trick to get me to go along with whatever she and Juliette had planned.” I wipe my face. “And it felt good to reject her.”
I look into the shadowed faces of the three boys I’ve known the longest and feel deep, regrettable shame.
“When she went missing, it didn’t even cross my mind. Like the rest of you, I thought all of this was probably just more drama. She’d been shoving her perfect life, with the perfect family and perfect boyfriend,” my eyes flick to Finn, whose expression is unreadable, “for years, and I figured this was just another moment for her to get the best of all us. It’s not until all this other stuff came out that it started to click. The drugs, the secrets, the fake accounts. Maybe she really was in trouble.” I swallow. “Big trouble, and I’d turned her away.”
I can’t stand for them to see me revealed like this, for being petty and bitter, after years of pretending to take the higher ground. I got one chance to truly be the bigger person, and I’m no better than Alice.
I walk off, down the dark trail, using just my phone flashlight to guide me. I need to tell the police what I know—what I’ve been hiding. I need to apologize to Alice. I need to stop pretending like I can have a relationship with Finn, or Ozzy or Ezra.
I’m halfway down the trail when footsteps crash through the fallen leaves. A hand on my elbow pulls me to a stop.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “So fucking sorry.”
I turn around and the first thing I see is Finn’s broad shoulders in his purple and gold jacket. “Rose was hard to be kind to. I’d stopped listening to her, Kenley. Completely stopped. She could have tipped me off that something was wrong, and I wasn’t even paying attention.”
“That’s not the same thing.”
“Isn’t it? I was her boyfriend—emphasis on the word friend. I should have been there for her or at least noticed some of this shit was going on.” He tugs at his hair. “I had no fucking idea about any of this. I was distracted.”
“Who would ever assume she’d be involved in something like that? I knew she liked to push limits but…you being distracted had nothing to do with it.”
Finn looks down at me, eyes dark, jaw tight. The intensity makes me nervous, and I take a step back. His hand reaches out and his fingers curl in my jacket, tugging me back.
“Do you want to know what was distracting me?” His gaze flicks between my eyes and my mouth.
I swallow. “If you want to tell me.”
“It was the girl next door. The girl behind the pulled shade. The girl so close I could almost reach out and touch her, but I’d screwed up so badly it was never going to happen.”
“What?” I say, barely a whisper.
“I was going to ask you to homecoming Freshman year. I told Juliette that the day they vandalized your house. She’d confided in me that Rose had a crush on me and wanted me to ask her to Rich Crawford’s party. I told her I wasn’t interested—that I had it bad for another girl, and I was just waiting for my shot. That’s when they acted, betraying you, and looping me into it.”
My head spins. “I don’t know what you’re saying.”
He laughs and curls those fingers tighter. “I’m saying that just like Rose, I got sucked into whatever game she and Juliette were playing, but in the last six months things had been different. We weren’t as close.” His eyes shift downward. “We stopped having sex and unless we were in public, we weren’t affectionate at all.”