I step into the gym hot tub—the other players are either back in their rooms or in the dining hall, carb-loading, or off at one of the other activities set up by the program. The gym is quiet—most everyone tired of working out. I’ve been tense for days—weeks—and as much as working out helps, nothing is taking my mind off Starlee.
I’m glad I got to see her face when she saw the field for the first time. It’s an amazing sight. Red and beautiful. I owe her more than the weak apology I gave her by the side of the road. I owe her everything and I have no idea how to say it—if she’ll ever listen to me again. Dexter told me I was being stupid. I shouldn’t have pushed him off. God, I tried to fight him.
I sink under the bubbles, submerging my head, wanting the rush of thoughts and pain to subside.
Drying off, I change into sweats and slip on my shoes. The gym is not far from the hotel. The dormitories are still filled with students—it’s just spring break. The program set us up in the hotel nearby and besides practice, we have access to academic assistance where we sign up for classes, work on our schedules, and set up a path for success. It was a huge relief when the counselor I met made it clear she’s well aware of my dyslexia and the school is going to assist me with that. Everything’s lining up like I hoped.
Well, everything but one.
I sling my bag over my shoulder and head across campus, passing the athletic center and the stadium. Walking past the dormitories and the edge of fraternity row, I settle into the feeling that this will be my home in just a few months. I feel good here, comfortable, even though it’s so different from Lee Vines.
I wait for the light to change at the intersection that separates the campus from the town. Cars zip by, lights glaring as they go. I push my hands into my hoodie, my body finall
y cooling off from the day of hard work. The light changes and I’m about to step off the sidewalk when a car stops abruptly in front of me, inches from taking me out. I throw up my hands in reaction.
“Watch where you’re going!” I shout, blood boiling. One thing’s for certain—I’m not used to traffic like this.
The door opens and I hear my name, “Jake?”
My heart stutters. “Starlee?”
She steps out of the backseat and the car pulls away from the curb, leaving Starlee standing in front of me.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, completely confused. “Where’s your mom and Mrs. Nye? Is everything okay?”
“No,” she says. I see the red ring around her eyes. “Well, they’re okay. I just…I have to ask you something.”
“Anything.” I desperately want to reach for her.
“Am I a burden to you? Any of you? Is that why you pushed me away?”
I frown. “A burden?”
“A mistake. Did I crash into your life and screw it up?” Her voice is strong. “Tell me the truth.”
I look around me, gaining my bearings. Lights from restaurants and bars brighten the road across the street. Students mill around, heading to and from the dorm. Lee Vines closes at dusk. Not this place. It’s filled with life and vibrancy. I spot a bench under a cluster of palm trees. Without hesitation, I take Starlee’s hand and lead her over, then sit next to her.
“The truth is that it’s hard for me to explain what you mean to me. A burden? Never. A force that I don’t always understand? Definitely. My life was so small before you came into it, Star. I kept on a tough face trying to pretend like not being able to read wasn’t a big deal—no one else seemed to think it was. I acted like not having a family didn’t bother me. That being abandoned was fine. I had football. I had this face,” I smile, knowing it’s cocky but there’s truth. “No one, not even Sierra or the guys, see the real me the way you do. You speak to me like I’m smart. Like I have something to offer.”
“You do have something to offer.” Her hand squeezes mine.
“And that’s why you’re not a burden on me, but…”
“But what?” Her face pales.
“But I like you so much,” I swallow, ready to bear it all, “love you so much. And those old insecurities bang into me like a battering ram. That voice. My mother’s voice calling me stupid. The kids at school making fun of me. Girls, like Christina, just wanting something from me. Something easy, but not the mess underneath. And there you were, beautiful, kind, amazing. I don’t know. I got it into my head that I wasn’t worthy of you and that I needed to prove myself to you by being successful, so much so that I pushed you away. Then, once all the pieces clicked together, the ones you helped me put together…I didn’t know how to take it all back. Proving how stupid I actually am.”
“Stop calling yourself stupid,” she says, touching my cheek. “And do you know how proud I am of you? For all of it—everything you just said? You never took the easy way out, Jake. You fought every step of the way.”
I exhale, just glad she didn’t leave after that revelation. “Besides your help, I only got to where I am by shutting everything out and focusing on my goals. Unfortunately, at the end, I did that to you, too.”
“I wish you’d told me what was going on. I thought you didn’t want me anymore.”
Ouch. That’s hard to hear and the complete opposite of the truth. “It’s hard to admit a weakness, Starlee, but you’re definitely mine. All those days of hiking and running around? That was me trying to sweat you out of my system. I knew good and well that once we had sex, there would be no going back. The last three months have been nothing but studying, training, and very cold showers.”
Her cheeks turn red at my admission. I run my hand behind her neck, pulling her to me as I lean forward. Her lips taste like sunshine when I kiss them I know in that instant I was a damned fool for letting her go, and as much as I want to sneak her back to my hotel room, I don’t.
“You ready to tell me what happened with your mom?” I ask, knowing her showing up with these questions isn’t just about me.