The past carried so much weight, I didn’t know what to do with it. Because it didn’t matter. Our paths had been set. Played out how they were supposed to. And now I sat with Jack’s memory and Cal’s body both equally invading my space, and I couldn’t, wouldn’t, reach out for either.
If there was one thing I’d learned, it was that I had some kind of control, and I refused to be weak. Refused to hope, or feel, for something deeper than surface, because when it was gone, it hurt. It hurt so bad that I could still feel a ripped piece of flesh from bones, leaving me half a person.
Cal may not think I was broken, but I was suffering from a direct hit and damage that may never fully heal.
“I should get home,” I whispered, feeling as though I was on the brink of messing with fate once again.
Chapter 3
“I think this is a great start,” Erica Keys said, looking at my thesis proposal. She was in her mid-to-late thirties and a wonderful thesis advisor. She was also a wonderful human being. I respected her because she’d fought hard to get into the position she was in. Earning a full professorship at her age was no small feat. She also seemed to genuinely care about her students and their success.
Our meetings were later in the evening, and after a full day of classes, I’d walked into her office and she insisted we go to the campus coffee shop.
“Thank you again for inviting me out,” I said. Though the café was only on the other side of the parking lot from the college, it was a nice change in scenery.
“You looked like you could use some caffeine,” she said.
That was the truth. Between this newest bout of insomnia and school, I felt permanently exhausted.
“One hazelnut latte?” the waiter said with a steaming cup of heavenly smelling java.
“That’s me,” I answered, and he put the large cup in front of me, the foam gently swaying side to side, making the heart-shaped design dance.
“And a chai tea,” he put that in front of Erica before walking off.
“He’s cute,” she said, wiggling her eyebrows at me.
“I um…what?”
She hid her grin by taking a quick drink of her tea. “The waiter is cute, and he was looking at you. Are you single? If so, you should go for him.”
A flare of awkwardness skated up my back. Not because of Erica. Though she was my thesis advisor, she was young and treated me like an equal and a friend. Which I really liked. It was the “are you single?” question that tied up my tongue. Mostly because my tongue had been tied a couple days ago with a firefighter’s.
“I’m not really in the market to date,” I answered. Though, technically, I was single. “Are you in cahoots with Harper?” I asked jokingly.
“Who’s Harper?”
“She’s my friend. She’s been saying similar things. Trying to get me out, to date, things like that.”
“Well, you should listen to her,” Erica said, and tilted her head toward the counter. “Because waiter boy is still staring at you.”
I glanced over and, oh boy, he smiled and gave one of those chin lift things. My cheeks heated instantly.
Erica was obviously loving this.
“Not my type,” I said quickly, and cupped my mug in both palms.
“Well, you should still find something to do besides school. Go out and have fun once in a while.”
“I do.”
Erica gave me a disbelieving look. “Lana, I’m your advisor, I’ve seen your class schedule. Are you trying to take every class Golden has to offer in one term, or is taking forty-thousand credits and working on your thesis fun for you?”
“Hey now,” I defended. “It’s only thirty thousand credits and yes, it’s quite fun.”
“Uh-huh, well it’s healthy to have a social life. You know that thing that takes place outside of school.”
“Oh, I see now, this coffee date was all a set up.”