My throat closed again.
Wall.
He was like a wall.
Just like Jack had been the first night I met him.
But Cal wasn’t Jack. I didn’t want him to be. Because, wall or not, and similarities aside, there were still large differences. It pinged my chest every time a twist of something familiar came out from Cal. And he had no idea. He couldn’t know what my mind was doing to me, but he let me babble and be pissy with him anyway.
“Can you at least tell me what things you don’t want me to think about?” he asked, referring to my earlier statement.
His blue eyes were like an ocean at dawn, and I wanted to tell him exactly what I was thinking. That I hated how I felt inside. Hated that this hollowness followed me everywhere, and I couldn’t beat it. Hated that every time I looked at Cal or was in his presence, were the only times I felt remotely warm.
I didn’t want to think about any of it.
But him? “Mostly, I just don’t want you thinking I’m broken.”
His expression turned serious. “Kitten, you’re far from broken.” His words rolled off his tongue so genuinely, it actually made me believe him. “But, since I’m not allowed to think in your presence, I won’t tell you that while I generally disagree with your pal Harper, she’s on to something in trying to get you to move.”
“I’ve moved on,” I defended quickly.
“I didn’t say move on. That may never happen.”
His honesty hit like a slap in the face. He’d called out my lie, because no, I hadn’t totally moved on from Jack. And, truthfully, he’d just confirmed my greatest fear that I may never.
“Consider just moving in a different direction.” His voice was raspy, and I realized it was because, at some point, he’d gotten closer. My nose almost brushed his chest as I looked up into his eyes.
“And what direction might that be?” I asked, my own voice a little thick.
The sexiest grin a man could ever be blessed with split his face.
“One far away from here.”
I tried to breathe, but instead, his scent engulfed me and made my senses go haywire. That lust I’d been fighting? It was not playing nice right now. It wasn’t about just having sex, it was about connection. I missed being touched. Missed feeling skin against mine. Sex used to be an ugly, terrifying notion to me. But it had been repackaged as beautiful and intimate—and damn it, I missed it.
Minus the intimacy.
I didn’t want to get caught up in feelings again, because it hurt way too much when the curtain fell, the bliss was over, and all that was left was a soul-deep kind of freeze that cracked my bones.
No…no intimacy.
But touch?
My hands itched to do just that.
“You said you didn’t want to be here,” Cal rasped. “I can take you away. Say yes and I’ll do that.”
I swallowed hard. Did I want Cal to take me away? Yes. But saying it out loud made it more concrete, gave the feelings I’d chosen to ignore power. “I have to tell Harper I’m leaving first.”
“Okay,” he said and moved aside. I glanced around the house of people and couldn’t find her.
“Let me look for her, I’ll meet you by the front door. Wait for me there.”
“Yes ma’am,” Cal said with a smile. When he said it like that, I realized that I’d just given an order. Huh. Interesting. And not an entirely bad feeling. In fact, it was kind of surprising how much I liked the authoritative tone in my voice.
I wove through a bunch of people, looking for Harper. I peeked out the window—no one on the back porch either. I went upstairs, then turned down the hall and called out her name.
Nothing.