Knowing she’s right, I stand and place Lexi in the pack-n-play I bought yesterday. I figured it would be easier if we had our own, less for Evan to take back and forth. I got a good deal on it at Target.
“You want to talk about it?” Mom asks.
“Talk about what?” Damn it, she did see him kiss me.
“McKinley, I’m your mother. I know when something is bothering you.”
“Your radar must be off. Everything’s fine,” I lie. Evan’s kiss still has me reeling.
“Fine, I’ll talk, you listen.” She turns sideways, pulling both legs up on the couch. Looks like this is going to be a long listening session.
“The chemistry between the two of you sucks the air out of the room. The way he looks at you, follows you with his eyes—I’ve watched it for months, but what I saw today,” she shakes her head. “That boy’s fighting what he feels for you,” she says matter-of-fact.
“Mom, he’s grateful for all the help I’ve given him. He had no clue how to prepare for Lex, and I felt bad for the guy,” I lie right through my teeth to her face. I’m a terrible liar.
“If that helps you deal with what’s happening, you can pretend all you want.”
“He’s Aaron’s best friend.”
“And yours too,” she fires back.
“Exactly. Listen, yes, he’s gorgeous and he’s a great guy, but there is nothing between us. He’s close to me now, leaning on me as he learns his way. That’s all this is. You’re mistaking appreciation for attraction.” I turn to look at Lexi sleeping soundly. I can feel Mom’s gaze on me.
“How did the pictures turn out?” Her question surprises me. It’s not like her to give up when she feels so strongly about something. Maybe she was just trying to feel me out, get me to confess. She really doesn’t think our chemistry sucks the air out of the room as she put it.
It does. It so does, but maybe, just maybe, she’s oblivious and I can keep living in the land of pretend.
Turning to face her, I find she’s smirking. Shit. No such luck. She’s giving me this, letting me tell myself there is nothing there. I need to be more careful.
“The pictures turned out so great. Lexi looks adorable. I sent them off for print. I bought a ton and blew a few of them up for Evan as well.”
“He’s going to be surprised. That boy has always been an Alabama fan. That’s a nice thing you did.”
I shrug. “Guys don’t think about things like that. I did it for Lexi just as much as Evan. She doesn’t have a mom to dress her up and make sure she gets her picture taken. A mom to make sure she will have those pictures and memories to look back on when she’s older. Evan’s learning his way. He’s not thinking about making sure he documents her milestones. He’s too focused on learning how to keep her alive—his words, not mine,” I chuckle.
“They’re both lucky to have you. I can’t wait to see the pictures.”
“Don’t worry, Grandma, I got you a few copies as well. I want them to be a surprise or else I would grab my laptop and show you.”
“I can handle that. So, you have anything in the studio today?”
“No, I kept it open. I knew Evan was going back to work today.” I stop there, afraid if I say more I’ll reveal what I’m trying so hard to deny.
Two months today. It’s hard for me to believe I’ve had her for eight whole weeks. It still seems like yesterday. She’s growing and changing every day, and she no longer sleeps all day long. Kinley and her mom are great about keeping her up during the day and our nights have gotten better. It’s hard as hell doing this on my own. Well, I’m not alone; Kinley has been there every step of the way, as have Aaron and their parents. My parents have been going crazy with wanting to see her. I’m going to have to make a trip to see them soon. Dad’s too weak to travel. I’ve been putting it off because I don’t think I can do it alone. I’ve been trying to find a way to ask Kinley to go with me. I hate to take her from the studio, but I need her.
Speaking of Kinley . . .
Me: Hey, I’ll be there to pick you girls up at three for Lexi’s appointment.
Kinley: Okay, but, Evan, you got this.
Me: Are you bailing on me, Mills?
Kinley: Never! But you got this daddy thing down.
Me: At home, but out, not so much.
What if we’re out and she needs something, or something happens that I can’t handle. What if the doctor asks a question I can’t answer about my own daughter? Kinley went with me on her first appointment. I asked her to go again on the second, and for this one, I didn’t ask, just told her the day and time and made sure she knew we, as in the three of us, needed to be there.