“I don’t know, I just don’t want to see them…”
Erah drummed his fingers on the table and studied her face carefully. “You do know, Sophie. Why don’t you want to say it out loud?”
“I can’t say it out loud because I don’t know why. I just don’t feel like being with them, spending time with them…”
When Erah didn’t say anything, Sophie knew he was still waiting for a proper answer. If she didn’t try to give him one, he would probably refuse to let her out of his office. She really didn’t want to be there, and she was tired of everyone asking her how she felt, how she was dealing with it, and if she needed help. She didn’t need anyone’s help, that’s why she had been avoiding Kain and Alexi for the past few days. She had spent most of her time in her and Lamia’s room, reading old magazines and going through the course books she had already read one too many times. Since the meeting in Lilith’s office, Sophie had tried to find Anahit, and after she finally accepted she wouldn’t find the succubus unless she wanted to be found, she had tried to gain access to the huge library in Septentrio. Unsurprisingly, Tarini refused to help her. With nothing else to do, Sophie isolated herself more and more, reaching the point when she wouldn’t even get out of her room to eat. The only reason she hadn’t starved was that Lamia, her friend and roommate, seemed to be the only one who understood her and respected her choice. She would bring her food three times a day, along with the gossip which went around Lure Academy and was, most of the time, related to Sophie, Kain, Alexi, and the c
ase they had just closed. Everything had been going moderately well until Erah summoned her to his office. Per Lilith’s dispositions, Sophie was to go to therapy twice a week. This was their first session.
“Take your time. Don’t forget that I’m here to listen to you, Sophie. And help you… If I can.”
Sophie took a deep breath and released it slowly. There was no other way. He wouldn’t give up.
“I’m not sure… I think I don’t want to see them because I’m afraid.”
“Afraid of what?”
“Afraid that I might hurt them.”
There. It was out. The reason why she didn’t want to spend time with Kain and Alexi was that she knew they would try to help her, distract her from her dark memories of Casimir D’Argyle, and the only way they knew how to do that was through making love to her. Would she be able to control her powers then? Would she be able to keep her demon sigil in check? Could she even refer to the sigil on her stomach as a demon sigil anymore? She shook her head to clear her mind of all these unanswered questions, and looked into Erah’s dark eyes. He was waiting for her to go on.
“I don’t know how to control this new thing I’ve become… I feel like I’m different and I’m not sure how. I’d rather stay away from anyone who might get hurt if they come too close to me.”
Erah leaned back in his chair and folded his arms over his chest. Finally, they were getting somewhere.
“Why do you think you could hurt them? Kain and Alexi are two very capable cambions.”
“You don’t get it… What happened with the Count… I just can’t get it out of my head. I don’t know how I did it. One moment he’s in front of me, pulling me after him down the corridor, and the next moment he’s lying on the floor, lifeless. I don’t know how I did it, I can’t even remember most of what happened. You have no idea how scared I am that it will happen again and there will be nothing I’ll be able to do to stop it.”
She waited for Erah to say something, hoping he would let her know that he was satisfied for now and she could leave. When that didn’t happen, she sighed and turned her tired gaze back to the heavy curtains. She didn’t know when she started thinking out loud, but once the first couple of sentences were out, she couldn’t stop.
“I didn’t want to do it, I didn’t want to hurt him that badly. I was just protecting myself. I never thought I’d be able to… to do something like that to him. I mean, a month ago I was just an apprentice. I was actually afraid that if I attacked him, I would only manage to make him mad, and this is why I focused all of my strength in that one blow.”
“You did nothing wrong, Sophie.”
“But I did, and it blows my mind that no one else sees that! I killed a man.”
“You killed a demon. That was not a man, Sophie. That was an old, powerful demon who had been feasting on human souls for centuries!”
The blank stare Sophie gave him made it clear that she didn’t agree with his reasoning. He leaned towards her and placed his hands firmly on the desk.
“You have nothing to blame yourself for. Casimir D’Argyle doesn’t deserve your pity, and he didn’t deserve your mercy.”
“You really don’t get it,” she said, standing up and starting to pace around the office. “It doesn’t matter who or what he was, and I don’t care what he did. All that matters is what I did, and I can’t live with it. I can’t sleep because of the nightmares. Every night, I’m back in that cold, dark tunnel, leaning over the Count’s body, crying and shaking his shoulders, pleading with him to wake up.” Her voice cracked at the last words, and she took a couple of deep breaths before continuing. “I’m a murderer. The fact that I didn’t mean to do it doesn’t change anything. I can’t control my powers and it can happen again anytime. I can’t be around Alexi and Kain knowing that I might hurt them without realizing. I just… I just want to be alone. I just want Anahit to crawl back out from whatever hole she’s been hiding in and tell me the truth, then teach me how to make this work, show me how to get my life back.” She turned to Erah and fixed him with her big, brown eyes. “But she won’t do it, will she? What gives her the right to be so selfish and self-centered? I don’t expect her to act like a mother because I know you incubi and succubi don’t do that. All I want is for her to tell me what I need to know to get back on my feet, and then she can go fuck herself for all I care.”
Erah smiled at Sophie’s last words. They were getting somewhere, indeed. Even if she didn’t know it, Sophie was handling the situation pretty well. Erah had seen many cambions go through depression and post-traumatic stress disorder after accidentally hurting a demon more than they had initially intended to, and he could safely say that Sophie would soon find her way back to a normal life, as normal as a cambion’s life could be. As far as he could tell, she was much more affected by Anahit’s refusal to show herself and give her the explanations she needed. The thing he really had to work with her on was her fear of hurting her two partners.
“You are perfectly right about Anahit,” Erah said. “We were all baffled at how oddly she reacted, but you have to try and understand that Anahit is the second ranked succubus at Lure Academy, and the only ones who have a chance to persuade her to tell you and everyone else what’s on her mind are Lilith and Ke-sar.”
Sophie rolled her eyes. “And when will they do that, exactly? Ke-sar didn’t seem eager to talk to her himself, and Lilith was rather dismissive. I can’t sit around and wait for them to finally decide to do something they should have done three days ago, when we came back to Lure and brought all those demons with us. Actually, you know what? For all the things I, Alexi and Kain have gone through in Ukraine, the least the Pantheon could do is to give me some straight answers. I’m not asking for much. I don’t know who I am anymore, I don’t know how to put the puzzle back together because the most important piece is missing.”
Erah sighed and rubbed his temples. “I know it’s hard to understand, but Anahit… Anahit is important to us. I myself don’t claim to know how her mind works, but I know that she will answer your questions in her own time.”
Sophie huffed. “In her own time? What does that even mean? I don’t care if she’s the second ranked succubus, I don’t care if she’s my mother! In fact, I don’t consider her my mother. She means nothing to me! Can’t you see I’m the one who is being wrong here?!”
She started pacing faster, eying the door every five seconds. The room was getting stuffy and Erah’s calm attitude was starting to get on her nerves. She had always liked the incubus and appreciated the fact that he was at least trying to understand how humans and cambions thought, but right now she was getting the feeling that, after all, Erah was what he was: a demon who could pretend to understand her, even do his best, but nothing more. She couldn’t take this anymore, she wanted out of there.
Erah was losing her, and he couldn’t have that. “Sophie, you’re directing all your anger towards Anahit and losing sight of what really matters.”