I was lost to him, this kind and quirky human with the big eyes and crazy hair. He could crook his little finger, and I would come running. Anytime, anywhere.
Was it really possible to fall for someone this quickly? To catch an accidental glimpse into someone’s heart and suddenly recognize it as the home you didn’t know you were searching for?
It seemed impossible.
It took me a while to stop shuddering, but I made sure not to squash Truman under my dead weight. I lay to the side of him on the bed and noticed his fingers drawing lazy shapes on my arm.
His voice was soft but steady. “That made me feel powerful.”
I turned to meet his eyes. He looked sated and happy. Calm. Confident. “You are powerful. You had me completely… you have me completely at your mercy. Don’t you know that?”
We watched each other for a moment before he moved his hand up to cup my cheek. “But do I have you?”
He bit his lip again, radiating insecurity.
If only he knew.
18
Truman
I didn’t stop at that. “Does this mean something to you the way it does to me? Does it… can it mean we’re together?”
It was one of the bravest things I’d ever done, asking Sam to define our relationship.
Sam’s intense gaze, which was often intimidating, was as affectionate and loving as I’ve ever seen it. Granted, I hadn’t known him for very long, but I could tell he cared about me.
And I was having more feelings than I could ever admit, no matter how brave I felt. Sam was the first person who made me feel like… me. He made me feel like I was exactly who I was meant to be and that maybe that person was amazing.
I’d spent plenty of time having sex with myself. In fact, I loved the freedom to express myself sexually when I knew there was no one around to judge me. In a way, my solo sex life was like my little secret. I could be as experimental or edgy as I wanted without having to worry about what anyone else thought.
I’d never expected to be able to share it with anyone. It was another reason I’d resisted getting physical with Barney.
But Sam didn’t make me feel dirty or strange for wanting sex the way I wanted it. And I knew without even asking that he would be up for whatever experimenting I wanted to do with him in the future.
If there was a future. I was terrified of his answer.
“I would love it to mean we’re together, Truman,” Sam said softly. “I want to tell everyone in town that Truman Sweet is my boyfriend.” He rolled toward me and lay on his side, reaching out and brushing the curls out of my face. “I’ve been trying to find the right time to tell you I’m moving here, to Aster Valley, but I…”
As his voice trailed off, my stomach began to knot. Did that mean he’d ultimately decided not to? “But you?”
“But I didn’t want to pressure you. We’ve known each other a hot second. I don’t ever want you to feel obligated or pushed. I want whatever you’re willing to give. Nothing more.”
My heart almost shoved its way out of my chest to dance happily on the bed between us and then smack kisses all over Sam’s body.
“I’m willing to give you head,” I said with a straight face, trying so hard not to throw myself bodily at his person and beg for him to glue me there like some kind of strange appendage.
It took him a minute to get that I was joking, and then his reaction was hysterical.
“Did you… did you just make a sex joke?” Sam’s voice almost reached a Trumanesque squeaking pitch.
“Did you just hit puberty?” I teased.
“Oh my god,” he said with a laugh, rolling over to squash me after all. “I can’t believe who’s suddenly mister jokester.”
I was so happy, I felt almost manic.
“Now that I know the key to making Sam Rigby beg, I feel like the king of the world,” I admitted with a smirk.
He reached around to pinch my ass. “Insubordinate punk. I didn’t beg.”
I laughed. “Are you kidding? You had a constant stream of chatter going under your breath. Things about how my body felt, how you were going to have to build a sex dungeon and name it after me, and how you would beg me to get back inside of my body if you had to.”
Sam stared at me in disbelief, but his cheeks turned pink. Clearly part of him believed the truth I spoke. His words had empowered me. They’d made me feel high and free.
It was amazing what having sex with a man who respected and appreciated me felt like. I was full of mixed emotions. Gratitude for Sam’s patient, steadfast regard. Resentment at all the years I’d thought I hadn’t deserved someone like him. Joy at finally learning how it felt to have a man inside me, thrusting into me and shifting around until my body sang in just the right way.