“New rule, Zach,” I said. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him as I walked toward the door. “Kiss me because you want to, not because you have to.”
I paused at the door, hoping beyond hope that Zach would appear at my side or I’d feel the length of his body along my back, but when there was nothing but stale air, I hurriedly left the room without looking back. But not before the words I’d never been allowed to say out loud to Zach had slipped free.
“I love you, Zach.”
It was a struggle to get in the car without falling apart after that. I saved that moment for when I was a good mile from the motel and I was able to find a deserted access road to pull into. As I let the tears coast down my face, I once again asked myself the same question that had been plaguing me from the moment I’d borrowed my uncle’s car to go after the man who would always hold the biggest piece of my heart.
Why can’t you just fight for us, Zach?
Chapter 33
Zach
I was aware of Jake long before I saw him. It had always been that way, even when we’d been kids. People had always likened it to the sixth sense twins had, but I chalked it up to the fact that I’d spent most of my childhood with my big brother. And when I hadn’t been with him, I’d known where he was. My parents had thought it was cute but it had become this strange sense of self-preservation for me. I hadn’t had many friends when I’d been growing up, but Jake had been that one constant in my life who’d always been exactly what I’d needed. Friend, brother, parent, protector, earpiece… the list went on and on. When he’d been missing, it was like a part of me had been gone too. But in the past couple of years, I’d tuned out that connection.
So as I worked on the cabin being renovated, I wasn’t really sure what kind of response I’d get when Jake reached me. But simply put, I’d had no place else to go. After leaving the hospital, my intent had been to just go… to put Lucky and Jake in my rearview mirror and move on.
But there’d been no place to move on to.
And truth be told, if I’d really wanted to escape, I could have done a lot better than stopping at the first crappy motel I’d found a mere twenty miles from Haven.
The plan had been to drink myself into a deep sleep and then try to deal with things in the morning, but then Lucky had shown up and blown those plans to hell. He had a way of doing that.
Everything he’d said had been spot on. I hadn’t meant any of the shit I’d said to Jake about using Lucky for sex. I’d just wanted to escape my brother’s questions because I’d been too afraid I might actually answer them with the truth.
I’d thought I’d have the strength to pick up and go the next morning, but when the motel manager had come the next day to remind me it was past checkout time, I’d thrown him enough cash for another night. The next day I’d done the same thing. We were closing in on a week now, and I still had all my things in that disgusting little room surrounded by pizza boxes and empty liquor bottles.
No answers had been forthcoming, though. Just like there’d been no desire to get in my truck and head north or east or south. I’d picked up my phone dozens and dozens of times with the intent of reaching out to Lucky, but I’d never hit send on any of the texts I’d created.
My body had finally decided it was time for my head to stop feeling sorry for itself this morning, and after what had to be the longest shower in the history of the world, I’d gotten in my truck and driven the only direction my brain would let me.
West.
Back to Haven.
Well, Haven adjacent anyway.
“Here,” I heard Jake say, then he was tapping my shoulder with something. I glanced over and spied a coffee mug that said Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Fabulous.
“It’s not that weird tea crap Oz tried to make me drink the other morning, is it?” I asked as I carefully sniffed the top of the cup.
“Nah, it’s the good stuff. Two creams, no sugar, right?”
I nodded and took a sip of the coffee. I couldn’t help but remember the times Lucky had brought my coffee to the bedroom in the mornings during our last few days in Glacier.
“Did I wake you?” I asked as I held up the hammer I’d been using to nail down floorboards in Jake and Oz’s rental cabin.