“Hold your horses, hotshot,” Doc warned. “Tell us what you know first. What’s going on?”
So I told them everything I knew about both fires, including Beth’s sleepover with the kids that night, which left John alone at home with no alibi.
“I think you should tell this to your rep rather than calling Chief Paige directly,” Grandpa suggested. “Or better yet… wait. No, never mind.”
“What were you going to say?”
He rolled his eyes. “I was going to suggest telling the sheriff until I realized you’d be implicating his own brother. That’s a nonstarter.”
“He’s going to hate me regardless,” I said, knowing the truth of it.
“No, he won’t. More than anything, he’s a believer in the law, Otto. He’d want the guilty party held responsible for the crimes,” Doc said gently. “If John did this, it’s not your fault. Seth can’t blame you for someone else’s actions.”
“No, but none of this would have happened if I’d just stayed in the navy instead of taking the coward’s way out.”
Silence descended over the room until Grandpa lost his ever-loving shit and his voice boomed throughout the house.
“Bullshit!”
Doc and I jumped and turned to stare at him. Grandpa was red-faced and fuming. Doc reached out a hand carefully to place on Grandpa’s shoulder. “Sweetheart?”
“No, Liam. This is bullshit and you know it. Nothing angers me more than hearing one of our children insult themselves. Otto, you are the farthest thing from a coward there is. When you didn’t make it through SEAL training, you accepted a posting on a damned submarine despite having experienced claustrophobia as a little boy.”
“I thought I was over it. That wasn’t brave,” I interjected. “It was stupid. I still can’t believe I passed the test.”
“Not only did you serve on a sub for years, Otto, but you also stayed in way longer than you intended in order to look out for people like your brother.”
I opened my mouth to argue when Grandpa lifted a hand to shut me up.
“I know that’s why you did it, Otto. Saint told us after your crew rescued that SEAL team, things changed between the two of you. You seemed more concerned about his missions and his safety. That’s when you re-enlisted for the next tour too. You chose service over personal comfort, Otto. And when a fire fucked up your naval career, you still chose to serve your community as a firefighter.”
“I stayed in to avoid facing real life,” I mumbled, second-guessing every decision I’d ever made. “And because it’s all I’m trained for.”
“That’s not true and you know it,” Doc said with a kind smile. “You’re highly trained as a medic and could have easily chosen to be an EMT instead.”
Exhaustion washed over me as the full implications of what was happening in my life hit me all at once.
“Can we talk about how brave I am later? Right now I just want to go hide under my covers,” I admitted with a thin smile.
“Fine. Call your rep. Tell them about the real estate thing and then grab a nap. We can go for a ride after dinner if you’re up for it.”
I stood up and stretched. “Can’t. Walker said he’d meet me at the dock for some fishing. I need to tell him about what happened on the Poseyville.”
They both stared at me with worried expressions, but it was Doc who spoke. “Shit, Otto. He still doesn’t know? Why’d you keep that from him all this time?”
I blew out a breath.
“Like I tried to tell you… I’m a goddamned coward.”
I made my way to the cabin and climbed into bed without calling my union rep. The last thing I needed to do was make a rash decision, and implicating John Walker in these fires wasn’t something I would take lightly.
It wasn’t like me at all to nap in the middle of the day unless I’d been fucked into a nice stupor, but I was feeling emotionally wiped out and more than a little stunned at the day’s revelations. Sleep claimed me right away, and I barely woke up in time to change clothes, gather up supplies, and get to the fishing dock to meet Walker.
When I walked through the trees toward the clearing at the edge of the lake, I spotted the familiar green ball cap Seth had stolen from me before sucking me off in the men’s room one summer after a pickup basketball game in the park. We were sixteen and had been officially dating for about four months. After that, every time I asked for my hat back, he’d get a knowing grin on his face and ask, “You mean the BJ hat? It only changes heads when someone gives head.”
And so it had gone. If he was wearing it when I went down on him, I stole it back and vice versa. Seeing it on his head reminded me of the last time we’d swapped it. I hadn’t been wearing it at the time, but he’d taken it anyway. The night before his family moved to Minnesota, we’d snuck out and met in the bunkhouse at Grandpa and Doc’s place. We’d spent the entire night memorizing each other’s bodies and making each other come as many times as humanly possible until finally passing out from exhaustion in the wee hours of the morning.