My heart was banging around in my chest, and I felt anger crawling up my neck. Resentment, above all else, threatened to suffocate me. “Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? Like I don’t know my own heart? I have loved that man since I was a kid, Jolie. A kid. And there hasn’t been a single moment I’ve stopped wanting him in all this time. How could you begrudge me a chance to build a life with him now that we’re both full grown and back in the same small town? How? After everything I’ve done for you and Tisha.”
I realized I was on the verge of crying like a baby. I tried so hard not to ever make her feel like I’d sacrificed anything in order to take care of her. I’d told her a million times she and Tish were worth it. But I deserved a chance to have someone to love me more than just friends. I deserved to feel the loving touches of a man who cared about me holding me when times were tough or when times were good. Plus, I’d told her from the get go that this was a temporary thing—only long enough to give her a chance to get on her feet.
“Is this why you dragged me back here to this godforsaken place?” she asked, standing up and moving to the sink to look out the window toward the driveway. I wondered at what point the food delivery guy was going to turn up and whether he would see World War Three happening when he did.
“What? You’re the one who begged me to move back here! I was perfectly happy staying in St. Paul, and you know it.”
“Yeah, I wanted to move back here because I thought I could finally have more time with you. Like we could finally make a go at being a real family, Seth. Your parents, your brother and his family, and you having the sheriff’s job… all of those things just felt like the perfect chance to finally give Tisha the life she deserved.”
Now she was pulling out the sniffles act, which only incensed me more.
“In case you forgot, I’m gay!” I snapped. “What on god’s green earth possessed you to envision we were going to be some kind of regular family?”
“Pfft. You’re hardly gay, Seth. Bisexual, maybe.”
I wondered if my eyes would bug completely out. “Wrong. I’m gay. Fully gay,” I corrected her.
“You’ve had sex with me more than once,” she reminded me with a raised eyebrow.
My stomach turned. “Yes. I have. And you and I both know those were stupid mistakes made by lonely-ass people.”
“I wasn’t lonely. I love you. I had sex with you because I wanted you. I still want you,” she said, her voice taking on a note of pleading I absolutely could not stand.
There were so many things I wanted to say, but I knew none of them were going to make this better. All the words had already been said even if she refused to hear them.
“I’m sorry, Jolie. I’m sorry I can’t give you the marriage you want. Our divorce will be final soon, and I hope after that, you find someone better than me. Someone who can take good care of you and love you the way you deserve. I love you, Jolie, but not like that. Never like that.”
I stood up and made my way to the door, pulling out my wallet and dropping a couple of twenties on the counter to cover dinner.
“I have to go.”
I didn’t look back. I strode out to my vehicle and drove to my new place on the lake. Even though I didn’t have legal rights to live there for a few more days, I already had the key and knew the place was empty. I spent the rest of the night on the wooden floor of the main room wrapped up in an old blanket I kept in the back of the SUV.
My nerves were raw and my emotions were all over the place. I was tired as hell from the jaunt to Amarillo and back, but the wooden floor beneath me made it hard to fall asleep. At one point, I even considered driving over to the Wilde ranch and begging mercy to sleep in the bunkhouse, but I didn’t want to wake them.
Tomorrow would come soon enough, and I could finally tell Otto everything.
And hope like hell he was crazy enough to forgive me.
Chapter 8
Otto
Seth
I still haven’t heard back from you and you won’t answer my phone calls. Even your parents won’t let me talk to you. What the hell is going on?
I know something happened. This isn’t you. You wouldn’t do this to me… to us. Talk to me, beautiful boy. If this is because I said being apart was hard, you have to know being shut off from you altogether is fifty thousand times worse.