Sitting.
Waiting.
Fucking numb.
I’d only just searched for her in the last month, never imagining I’d actually find her.
Them.
Their toys were scattered all through the yard, there was even a fucking basketball hoop in the driveway. A white picket fence circled their home with a bright red door. This house was straight out of a Home and Gardens magazine. The grass was perfectly cut, flowers and plants accentuated the property flawlessly. There was a white swing on the porch with pillows and a blanket. This house was everything you would want to raise a family in.
When an Audi SUV pulled into the driveway, the next thing I knew, I was getting out of my car, watching as they exited their vehicle too. The woman stepped out last, heading straight toward the back-passenger seats where she opened the door to reveal a car seat. She unstrapped a baby and pulled it into her arms as two other kids flew out and hauled ass toward their father, who was walking out the front door.
A boy.
Two girls.
Three children.
Happy.
Laughing.
Loved.
I was powerless, unable to stop myself from witnessing the reality of a family I wasn’t good enough for. I couldn’t help but notice that the man was an older version of me. He was sporting a beard with gray hair intermixed, and it was also around the temples of his head. Though, it was his piercing blue eyes that caught my attention the most—they mirrored my own. It was almost like I was looking into a mirror of what my appearance would be in thirty years.
I didn’t expect to see him or meet him. I was only prepared for her. After all these years, I always assumed she was the one who gave me up. Now to learn that it was both of them triggered feelings I didn’t know I felt until that very moment.
Sadness.
Confusion.
Abandonment.
The emotions were endless, piling up one right after the other.
Taking a deep, reassuring breath, I inhaled through my nose and exhaled out of my mouth, trying to shake off the bullshit they evoked. From then on everything sort of played out in slow motion.
The man greeted, “Hey, honey,” kissing her on the lips.
She responded, “Hey,” smiling lovingly at him. “Can you help me with this little guy?”
He smiled and grabbed their son from her arms, throwing him up in the air, making the baby squeal in delight. I felt as if my body was giving out on me—the emotions were ruthlessly taking ahold of me.
Why didn’t they want me? What was wrong with me? Why was I so easy to give up? Why not them?
Maybe they were too young and thought I’d ruin their future. We might have looked the same, but I would never abandon my kid to the fucking system of all places.
One thought led to the next, making me sick to my stomach. I never considered them still being together and having a family. I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. But the longer I stood there, the further my resentment and anger grew.
It wasn’t until the woman’s gaze found mine through the yard that I truly wanted to scream, “Why didn’t you want me?”
She didn’t move.
She didn’t speak.
She didn’t show me anything.
Nothing of what I’d hoped I’d see.
Seconds, minutes, hours could have flown by, and not once did I look away, openly showing her my agony and dismay. She knew who I was, that much I could see. Except, she didn’t give a flying fuck. She was the woman who’d brought me into this world, and at that moment, it was obvious that it was all she’d ever be. I wasn’t her son. I was just an accident and mistake she gotten rid of. She must have read my mind, because she simply turned and left. Everyone followed her into their home, and I continued to stand there and consider my options. I could knock on their door, make a big, ugly scene. Confront them, ask them everything, but in the end it wouldn’t matter.
It wouldn’t change one damn thing.
Instead of getting answers, I locked up my emotions like they never existed to begin with. Getting in my car, I left. Wanting to get lost and not be found. My mind was a jumbled mess of what the fucks. My head was pounding so hard I could barely see straight. It felt like a hammer was beating in my skull.
I drove around aimlessly, drinking away my sorrows before I snapped out of whatever stupor I was in. The last thing I needed was to get a DUI. By the time I’d made it back to my house, it was well into the night. Past midnight. The whiskey was long gone, and all I had left was my misery.
Christian wasn’t home, which meant he was at his girlfriend’s, or should I say fiancée now. Seeing as he’d asked her to marry him a couple months ago, spending more time at her place ever since. I was glad he’d found someone to spend the rest of his life with. That future wasn’t in the cards for me, not when I couldn’t be with the one I wanted the most.