Im ringing her doorbell right now, and it doesnt feel right. It feels as though Im asking permission to break through an invisible barrier that shouldnt even be here in the first place. I take a step away from the door and wait.
After several painfully long seconds, she opens the door and makes brief eye contact with me as she steps aside to let me in. I pictured her on the drive over with her hair a mess, makeup smudged underneath her eyes from all the crying, and sporting three-day-old pajamas. The typical heartbroken attire for a girl who just lost all trust in the man she loves.
I think I would rather she looked the way I pictured her than how she actually looks. Shes dressed in her typical jeans, and her hair is neatly pulled back. There isnt a smudge of makeup on her face or a tear in her eyes. She gives me a faint smile as she closes the front door.
I watch her closely, because Im not sure what to do. Of course, my first instinct is to pull her to me and kiss her, but my first instinct probably isnt the best. Instead, I wait until she goes into her living room. I follow her, wishing more than anything that she would turn toward me and throw her arms around me.
She does turn to face me before she takes a seat, but she doesnt throw her arms around me.
Well? she signs. How do we do this? Her expression is hesitant and pained, but at least shes confronting it. I know this is hard for her.
How about we quit acting like were not allowed to be ourselves? I sign. This has been the hardest three days of my life, and I cant go another second without touching you.
I dont give her a chance to respond before my arms are wrapped around her and Im pulling her against me. She doesnt resist. Her arms wrap tightly around me, and as soon as my cheek is pressed against the top of her head, I feel her begin to cry.
This is the Maggie I need. The vulnerable Maggie. The Maggie who still loves me, despite what Ive put her through.
I hug her and pull her to the couch, keeping her secured against me as I sit with her now on my lap. We continue to hold each other, neither of us knowing how to begin the conversation. I press a long kiss into her hair.
What I wouldnt give to just be able to whisper all my apologies into her ear. I want her as close to me as possible while I tell her how sorry I am, but I cant do that and sign everything I need to say at the same time. I hate these moments in life where Id give anything to be able to communicate the same way so many others take for granted.
She slowly lifts her face, and I reluctantly let her pull back. She keeps her palms pressed against my chest and looks me directly in the eye.
Are you in love with her? she asks.
She doesnt sign her question; she only speaks it. The fact that she doesnt sign it makes me think it was too hard for her even to ask. So hard that maybe she doesnt really want to know the answer, so she didnt really want me to understand her question.
I did understand it.
I grab both of her hands pressed against my chest, and I lift them, kissing each of her palms before releasing her hands to answer her.
Im in love with you, Maggie.
Her expression is tight and controlled. Thats not what I asked.
I look away from her, not wanting her to see the struggle in my eyes. I close them and remind myself that lying wont get us back to where we need to be. Maggies smart. She also deserves honesty, which isnt at all what Ive been giving her. I open my eyes and look at her. I dont answer her with a yes or a no. I shrug, because I honestly dont know if Im in love with Sydney. How could I be when Im in love with Maggie? It shouldnt be possible for the heart to love more than one person at once.
She diverts her eyes away and scoots off my lap. She stands and slowly walks the length of the living room and back. Shes thinking, so I give her a moment. I know my answer has hurt her, but I know a lie would have hurt her even more. She finally turns to me.
I can spend all night asking you really brutal questions, Ridge. I dont want to do that. Ive had a lot of time to think this through, and I have a lot I need to say to you.
If brutal questions will help you, then ask me brutal questions. Please. Weve been together five years, and I cant let this tear us apart.
She shakes her head, then takes a seat on the couch opposite me. I dont need to ask the questions, because I already know all the answers. I just need to talk to you now about where we go from here.
I lean forward, not liking where this is going. I dont like it at all. At least, allow me to explain myself. You cant come to a decision about what happens to us without hearing me out first.
She shakes her head again, and my heart clenches. I already know, Ridge. I know you. I know your heart. Ive read your conversations with Sydney. I already know what youre going to tell me. Youre going to tell me how much you love me. How you would do anything for me. Youre going to apologize for developing feelings for another girl, despite how hard you tried to prevent that from happening. Youre going to tell me you love me so much more than I know and how your relationship with me is so much more important to you than your feelings for Sydney. Youre going to tell me youll do anything to make it up to me and that I just need to give you a chance. Youre probably going to be brutally honest with me, also, and tell me that you do have feelings for Sydney but they dont compare to how you feel about me.
She stands and moves to sit next to me on the couch. There are traces of tears in her eyes, but she isnt crying anymore. She faces me and begins signing again.
And you know what, Ridge? I believe you. And I understand all of it. I do. Ive read your conversations. Its as if I was right there, sifting through it all while the two of you were attempting to fight whatever was developing between you. I keep telling myself to quit logging back into your account, but I cant stop. Ive read those conversations a million times. I deciphered every word, every sentence, every punctuation mark. I wanted to find the spot in your conversations that proved your disloyalty to me. I wanted to find the moment in your conversations where you became this despicable excuse for a man by admitting that what you felt for her was purely sexual. God, Ridge. I wanted to find that moment so bad, but I couldnt. I know you kissed her, but even the kiss seemed excusable after the two of you had that open discussion about it. Im your girlfriend, and even I began to excuse it.
Im not saying what you did is readily forgivable, by any means. You should have asked her to move out the second you felt compelled to kiss her. Hell, you shouldnt have ever asked her to move in if there was even the slightest possibility that you were attracted to her. What you did was wrong in every sense of the word, but whats so messed up is that I feel like I understand it. Maybe its because I know you too well, but the fact that youre falling in love with Sydney is obvious, and I cant just sit back and share your heart with her, Ridge. I cant do it.
No, no, no, no, no. I quickly pull her to me, wanting the comfort of her to subdue the panic building within me.
She can be heartbroken. She can even be pissed or terrified, but the one thing I wont let her be is okay. She cant just be okay with this.
Tears begin to sting my eyes as I hold her as if my embrace is somehow supposed to convince her of how I feel. Im shaking my head no, trying to get her not to take this conversation where Im afraid its headed.
I press my lips against hers in an attempt to make it all go away. I hold her face in the palms of my hands and try desperately to show her how I feel without having to pull apart from her again.
Her lips part, and I kiss her, something Ive done on a regular basis for more than five years but never with so much conviction or fear.
Her mouth tastes of tears, and Im not sure whose they are, because were both crying now. She pushes against my chest, wanting to speak to me, but I dont want her to. I dont want to watch her tell me how okay my feelings for Sydney are.
Theyre not okay. They shouldnt be okay at all.
She sits up and pushes me away from her, then wipes her tears. I lean my elbow into the couch and cover my mouth with my trembling hand.
Theres more. Theres so much more I need to tell you, and I need you to give me the opportunity to get it out, okay?
I simply nod, when all I want to do is tell her how hearing her out is the last thing my heart can take right now. She adjusts herself and pulls her legs onto the couch. She wraps her arms around them and rests her cheek on her knee, looking away from me. Shes still and quiet and contemplating.
Im a complete wreck as I sit here and wait.
She unwraps her hands from around her legs and slowly lifts her head to look me in the eye. Remember the day we met? she asks.
Theres a faint smile in her eyes, and my panic eases slightly at the pleasantness in her memory. I nod.
I noticed you first, before I noticed Warren. When Warren approached me, I was hoping he was approaching me for you. I remember making eye contact with you over his shoulder, because I wanted to smile at you so you would know that you caught my eye the same way I caught yours. But when I realized Warren wasnt approaching me for you, I was disappointed. There was something about you that tugged at me in a way that Warren didnt, but you didnt seem to have that same reaction to me. Warren was cute, so I agreed to go out with him, especially since I thought you werent into me that day.
I close my eyes and soak in her words for a moment. I never knew this. Im not sure at this point that I want to know this. After several quiet moments, I reluctantly open my eyes again and let her finish.
For the short time I dated Warren, you and I would have these brief conversations and moments of eye contact that always seemed to make you uncomfortable, and I knew it made you uncomfortable because you were developing feelings for me. But your loyalty to Warren was so strong that you wouldnt allow yourself to go there. I always admired that about you, because I knew the two of us would have worked so well. To be honest, I was secretly hoping you would betray his friendship and just kiss me or something, because you were all I thought about. Im not even sure I was with Warren for Warren. I think I was with him for you all along.
Then, a few weeks after Warren and I broke up, I began to think Id never see you again, because you never came for me like I hoped you would. The thought of that terrified me, so I showed up at your apartment one day. You werent there, but Brennan was. I think he knew why I was there, so he told me not to worry, that I just needed to give you time. He told me about the deal you and Warren made and that you really did have feelings for me but didnt feel right pursuing them yet. He even showed me the date you had circled on the calendar. Ill never forget how that made me feel, and from that point on, I counted down the days until you showed up at my front door.