He stared at her with eyes which were filled with a sudden, dawning comprehension. ‘I once told you that I had a problem with delegation,’ he mused slowly. ‘And now it seems that this is a skill which I must embrace more wholeheartedly.’ He sighed. ‘No, I do not confide affairs of state to you, it is true,’ he agreed. ‘But do you not know that knowledge can be a dangerous weapon, Jenna? That if you were aware of all the ramifications of what goes on in Quador I would be putting you at risk?’
‘How?’
His black eyes were very sombre. ‘Do you not know, my sweet, that there are still factions in the country who would wish to overthrow your Sheikh? When you asked if you could accompany me to the Eastern region the other day, I said no. I didn’t say why—that there were very real dangers at play at that time.’
‘Then why didn’t you just tell me that?’
‘Would you not have worried about me?’
‘Of course I would!’
‘Well, then.’
‘It isn’t just about the not confiding, Rashid—you never…’
She had her pride, but pride itself could be dangerous if it prevented you from discovering the truth, and she had to know. She had to.
‘I never what?’ he prompted softly, for her mouth had taken on a tremulous shape that made him want to kiss it.
‘You never tell me how you feel.’
‘About what?’
‘About me!’ she burst out. ‘You never tell me that you love me, which can only lead me to assume that you don’t! And if you don’t love me, then it’s obvious that you will stray eventually.’
His mouth hardened. ‘What right do I have to speak of love to you?’ he questioned bitterly. ‘When I took your innocence so brutally and then forced you into marrying me?’
‘You didn’t rape me, Rashid,’ she pointed out.
‘But I might as well have done!’ he raged. ‘I showed no restraint! No control! I have never behaved like that in my life before!’
‘And neither have I! We both got carried away in the heat of the moment—it wasn’t anybody’s fault!’
‘But I was the experienced one,’ he asserted harshly. ‘I should have stopped in time. And I couldn’t,’ he finished harshly. ‘I just couldn’t.’
‘So what? Is it such a major crime that just for once in your life you failed to live up to your own exacting standards?’ she demanded. ‘If you really want to know—I feel quite powerful that I should have been the one to make you lose control like that. If it’s forgiveness you want, then I’ve forgiven you, Rashid—if only you could forgive yourself.’
He stared at her for a long moment. ‘But I still forced you to marry me, didn’t I, Jenna?’ he said slowly. ‘When the idea was clearly so abhorrent to you.’
‘And don’t you know why?’
He shook his head. ‘Because your feelings for me had died?’
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‘They never died, Rashid,’ she said, and a small, rueful smile broke through. ‘Even though I tried like anything to kill them off.’
He reached out a fingertip and smoothed it down the smooth surface of her cheek. ‘And why would you do that?’
‘Because I kept reading about all your lovers in the newspapers,’ she admitted brokenly. ‘And I was as jealous as hell of them.’
He gave up trying to keep her at arm’s length and pulled her into his arms, staring deep into her amber eyes. All along he had tried to protect her, but he saw now that by doing so he had only succeeded in making her insecure.
‘There have been lovers, yes,’ he said quietly, and he saw her flinch. ‘But not nearly so many as the newspapers reported.’
She flinched. One would be too many! ‘Why any?’ she whispered. ‘Why not just me?’
He shook his head and tried to explain. ‘Jenna, my father’s marriage was not one I intended to replicate—but I am a pragmatist, and a realist. I knew that when I married you I intended to be utterly faithful, but I was unable to offer you my fidelity until then. We couldn’t marry before you left—I had only recently come into the Sheikhdom, and I needed to give myself wholeheartedly to my country.’