She gasped with each delicious thrust he made—her fingers sliding over his sweat-sheened skin as he took her higher and higher, until she didn’t think she could bear it any more. And suddenly she was falling. Falling in slow motion through a splinter of stars, vaguely aware of Kadir’s body tensing and hearing his guttural cry as he jerked inside her, before gradually growing still.
For a while they just lay there, Caitlin staring at one of the intricate lanterns which dangled from the ceiling as a great swell of emotion rose up inside her. And stupidly, she wanted to cry. To let out the tears which were building behind her eyelids, no matter how hard she tried to blink them away. Which wasn’t supposed to happen. Sex was supposed to provide release and remind her what she’d been missing—not leave her racked with regret and a deep ache at the thought of what she could never have.
‘Why are you crying?’
To her consternation, Kadir’s question made her aware that a tear had dripped onto the velvet divan and she turned her face away from him. She wanted to deny the accusation but then he would rightly accuse her of lying, so instead she dashed an angry fist against her wet cheek. ‘It doesn’t matter.’
‘Was it really so awful?’ he persisted softly.
She gave a short laugh. ‘Oh, come on. You must know it was anything but.’
‘Then I am at a loss to understand.’ He stroked his finger between her breasts. ‘How do men usually respond when you react like this?’
She thought about glossing over the remark, rather than opening it up for debate. But his wife had lied to him, hadn’t she? And there was no reason for her to do the same. ‘They don’t respond in any way at all,’ she said quietly. ‘Because there hasn’t been any other lover than you. I was a virgin the night I slept with you, in case you hadn’t noticed. In fact, I’d never been intimate with any man before you, Kadir—and I haven’t been intimate with any man since.’
There was total silence. A pause so long that time felt suspended. And when he spoke his voice sounded heavy. As if each word had been carved from some dark and unforgiving rock. ‘Me neither.’
Bewildered now, Caitlin turned to look at him, but his eyes were closed, his dark lashes fringed against his olive skin, his hair startlingly black against the green velvet divan. ‘Run that past me again,’ she whispered.
He opened his eyes and she found herself caught in the ebony gleam of his gaze.
‘Your first experience,’ he said flatly. ‘Well, it was mine, too. Nobody before and nobody since.’
She shook her head. ‘I don’t think I’ve understood that properly.’
‘You have.’
‘You’re saying...are you saying I’m the only woman you’ve ever had sex with?’
Another pause. ‘That’s exactly what I’m saying.’
She hated the way the possibility of that made her feel. As if she were somehow special. As if something had marked her out and made her seem different. But that was a crazy hope without any foundation—and even giving it houseroom was dangerous. And besides, it didn’t make sense. None of it did.
‘I don’t understand,’ she whispered. ‘How is it even possible? I mean, you’re so...’
‘So?’
In the dim light, she could feel herself blush but she was still so caught up in the thrill of that moment that she said something she probably shouldn’t have done. ‘So amazing,’ she whispered. ‘So how on earth can you have been a virgin?’
Kadir looked down at her flushed pink face and wondered why he had told her, but deep down he knew why. He owed it to her to tell her the truth, even though it was not the kind of admission most men would be happy making. Yet from the outset he had been comfortable with his sexuality and his decision to channel it as he saw fit. With his ability to discard the expectations usually associated with a virile and highly desirable man. Yet, having told her part of the story, surely it would be impossible to leave the rest of the matter unexplained. Did he really want to masquerade as something he wasn’t?
‘I wanted to be the greatest king there ever was,’ he began, and as he saw her lips purse together he shook his head. ‘No, not for the sake of my ego, Caitlin, but for the sake of my people, who had suffered greatly by the time I came to the throne. My for
ebears had served Xulhabi well—my father less so. Under his watch, this country had been subject to constant invasion and land grabs and, economically, we were lagging behind many of the other desert states.’
‘Why? Did he...did he take his eye off the ball or something?’ She gave an embarrassed shrug. ‘I’m sorry. I don’t know how this kingship thing works.’
‘In a way, that’s exactly what he did,’ he conceded. ‘But the rot set in when he married.’
‘Isn’t that a little...harsh?’
‘Harsh, but true.’ He flickered her a look. ‘You may recall me telling you he married my mother for love?’
‘Which you don’t believe exists?’
‘Oh, I believe it exists, all right,’ he said slowly, his voice growing hard. ‘Just not for me. Maybe the example I was shown by my parents was enough to warp my opinion for ever.’
‘Tell me about them,’ she said quietly, brushing a handful of hair away from her cheek.