Castien’s nostrils flared. “You cannot be serious.”
“I’m very serious, Master,” Eridan said softly.
Castien stared at him.
The silence stretched, tense and thick.
“You would lose a significant amount of your knowledge, everything I have ever taught you.”
Eridan nodded. “I know. It’s fine.” As long as I don’t remember you. He didn’t say it aloud, but he knew Castien knew what he meant. He could sense it from the way Castien’s telepathic presence tensed and pulsed around him, restless.
“This is ridiculous, Eridan,” he bit out. “Just because you are embarrassed by your imprinting—”
“I’m not embarrassed,” Eridan said quietly and finally admitted something he’d been denying even in the privacy of his thoughts. “It hurts, Master.”
Castien went very still.
Eridan gave a humorless little laugh. “You may not have those pesky feelings, but I do. You know me, you know that my emotions rule me. I can’t…” He swallowed. “I’m not at all sure blocking off my throwback instincts will do anything. It’s not just my hindbrain. It’s—”
“Don’t,” Castien said, his expression slightly pinched.
“No, I need to say this.” Eridan smiled brightly, as if his eyes weren’t burning and his throat wasn’t uncomfortably tight. “I will have to inconvenience you with my icky emotions just this once. I…” He looked around the luxurious room. “I finally have a family. A brother who loves me. I want to be happy. I want to be genuinely happy instead of needing a man who doesn’t give a shit about me. I don’t want to need you.” He looked Castien in the eye. “I don’t want to love you.”
Castien’s jaw tightened.
Eridan chuckled. “Don’t pretend you didn’t know, Master. You know everything. You use other people’s emotions to manipulate them, so I’d never believe that you have somehow missed that your own apprentice is stupidly in love with you.”
When Castien said nothing, Eridan took it as confirmation.
He nodded to himself, his chest aching. Or perhaps it was his foolish heart.
“Do it,” he said through the lump in his throat. “Don’t worry, I recorded a message for my brother, so he would know that you just did as I requested. He won’t blame you.”
Castien looked away, his jaw working. Despite the raised shields on both ends of their bond, Eridan could sense some dark, unpleasant emotion, something ugly and poisonous. No, that feeling said, but Castien remained silent.
“Please,” Eridan said, looking at his profile. “If you ever cared for me even a little. Grant me this one kindness. I want to move on with my life.”
The darkness in their bond went away. In its stead, there was another emotion, heavy and grim.
Castien closed his eyes for a moment before saying, “Very well.”
Eridan’s vision swam as he finally lost his battle against the tears. There had been a part of him, an irrational, foolish part that had hoped Castien would tell him that he loved him back. Stupid. So fucking stupid. At least soon he would no longer remember how stupid he was.
The thought failed to bring him comfort.
He stared greedily at his Master’s face through his blurring vision, as if trying to imprint it into his memory. No matter what his rational side said, there was a part of him that didn’t want to let go. That part of him wanted to cling to his Master, kiss him until there was no air left in his lungs, and beg him to take him home.
No. This was for the best. This toxic unrequited love would only hold him back, prevent him from enjoying his life to its fullest. He wanted to learn what it felt like to love and to be loved back. He wanted to have children with the person he loved. He wanted to feel like he was someone’s world, not beg for crumbs of affection. He wanted to love a man and grow old with him, feeling loved and cherished.
If his memories of his Master were erased, the thought of that man being someone other than Castien would stop making him nauseated. He would simply forget. He would simply not know. He would simply not know what it felt like to crave this man inside him in every possible way, what it felt like to live for his approval and attention.
And when Castien eventually officiated his wedding to another man, Eridan’s heart wouldn’t hurt—he wouldn’t even know that the Grandmaster of the High Hronthar had been his first, hopeless love.
It would be all right.
Everything would be all right, even though right now he felt like throwing up.
This was the right decision.
It was.
“It will be better if you are unconscious for the procedure,” Castien said, his voice slightly clipped. “I’ll have to remove the mind traps in your mind first.”
Eridan nodded.
Castien gestured to the couch, and Eridan moved toward it and lay down.
His Master knelt beside him, and then there was a hand on his telepathic point, making him tremble uncontrollably with need.