Gabriel swallowed. He had a feeling he wasn’t going to like this. “What do you mean?”
Jared’s lips pressed into a thin line. “No more kissing and excessive touching. I’m going out and I’m going to get laid.” Gently, he withdrew his arm from Gabriel’s loosened grip and walked out of the room, leaving Gabriel frozen in his place.
When the door slammed shut downstairs, Gabriel’s knees gave out. He sat heavily on Jared’s bed and stared blankly into nothing.
Okay. He needed to think rationally. Everything was fine. This was what they had agreed on, wasn’t it? This was what he’d suggested himself back in the States: that although he would try to make Jared happy, Jared would have to get sex elsewhere. That was what he had wanted—that was what he still wanted. He didn’t care who Jared fucked. It was none of his business. One-night stands that couldn’t steal Jared from him weren’t a threat; he didn’t give a shit about them.
Except his stomach felt like a hard ball of iron, clawing at his insides and trying to climb up his throat.
Gabriel pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. He took a deep breath, trying to fight the sickening feeling brewing in the pit of his stomach. His chest hurt and he didn’t understand why. What was wrong with him? He’d never cared much about Jared’s one-night stands. Jared loved him; that was the only thing that mattered. Wasn’t it?
His gaze fell on Jared’s shirt lying next to him on the bed.
Gabriel picked it up and stared at it for a long moment before bringing it to his nose. It smelled of hospital and Jared. He inhaled greedily again, a part of him cringing. If Jared knew…It was bad enough already that he had barely been able to look Jared in the eye after the other night—the night he did his best not to think about. Even thinking about it now brought a blush to his cheeks. It had probably been a fluke. He had just been horny that day. Maybe walking in on Jared just confused him too much. Maybe.
But it didn’t matter now, did it? Jared wanted them to go back to being just friends. And he was probably right. It was easier that way. Far less confusing. Less intimate and intense. This—their relationship—was in no way healthy or normal. They were stuck in the no-man’s-land between friends and lovers, platonic and romantic. Something had to give. It was only logical that Jared wanted sex. He couldn’t expect Jared to be a monk for the rest of his life. Gabe wasn’t that selfish. He couldn’t be that selfish.
He could do it.
He could.
It was for the best. No more kissing and excessive touching. Just friends. Jared would fuck someone, come home, and then everything would be all right and uncomplicated.
A lump lodged into his throat, refusing to move. It felt like something was gnawing at him from the inside, trying to claw its way out. His heart.
Chapter 21: Fooled
Jared sat at the bar, nursing a beer and trying to ignore the sappy love song playing on the jukebox. He could feel more than a few interested looks on him, but couldn’t bring himself to do what he’d come here for: pick someone up, get laid, and get rid of all the remaining delusions. Because apparently he still had some, even after all these years. It was pretty damn pathetic.
Someone took the stool beside him. “Long day?” a male voice murmured.
Jared turned his head.
“I’m Harry,” the guy said.
He was attractive, but not overly so, early twenties, light brown hair and green eyes. Close enough.
“Want to get out of here?” Jared asked.
Harry’s eyes widened a little before he licked his lips. “Your place or mine?”
“Yours,” Jared said, putting his beer down.
The drive to the guy’s place was short. Harry tried to make small talk, but Jared wasn’t in the mood to talk. He wasn’t really in the mood for anything, but it was neither here nor there. Some things needed to be done.
When they got to the guy’s place, Jared pushed him onto the bed and told him to strip.
“Bossy,” Harry said with a wink but he did what he was told.
Jared undressed, too. He couldn’t quite shake off the feeling of detachment, as though he was outside of his body, just watching everything happen.
“Wow, you’re easily the hottest guy I’ve ever seen,” Harry said, raking his gaze over Jared’s body and lingering on his dick. The look of pure appreciation in his eyes felt good for a change. Gabriel never looked at him that way. Gabriel would never look at him that way.
Gritting his teeth, Jared shook the thought off. It was pointless to think of him. Gabe could never give him this. For Gabriel, he was nothing but a close friend and pseudo-guardian, someone safe and harmless. For Gabriel, he would never be an object of desire.