I don't get overcome by emotion easily but seeing that fucks me up more than I'd care to admit. Swallowing my anger at the world, I approach the window. It's closer to night than evening now. I knock on the window gently. I can't see inside the room, because the shitty, threadbare curtains are drawn. But a moment later, they fly open, and there she is.
Willa looks... different. She's not much taller, but her face bears the brunt of the changes she's gone through this year. She looks older. Tired.
When she sees me, she crosses her arms and glares. It almost makes me chuckle, but I stop myself, motioning for her to open the window. She shakes her head no.
I put my hands in a prayer position and mouth pleases at her. Willa rolls her eyes, then finally opens the window. The look of hope in her eyes doesn't escape me, though. The kid is happy to see me, even if she won't admit it.
"How have you been?" I ask softly.
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
The sight of this little kid spewing curse words at me is kind of adorable, but I force myself to wince and shrug. "I'm sorry, Willa."
"You abandoned me."
"I didn't have a choice."
"That doesn't make it better," she hisses.
"I'm sorry."
"You better be," she mutters, rolling her eyes.
I know she's making light of the situation, but the pain behind that watchful gaze doesn't escape me. I've betrayed Willa. Left her here to deal with her family on her own, after promising to take care of her. I deserve to be on the receiving end of her anger. I did this to her.
"I'm back now," I get out.
"For how long? Are you going to tell me when you leave again?" She sighs, waving her hand. She looks oddly grown up. "Never mind. It's too late, anyway."
"I promise you, it's not," I say roughly, my voice hoarse and breaking over the words. It's fucking painful to see a kid this disillusioned with the world. "I'm going to take care of you from now on. Do you need anything?"
"Yeah," she mutters. "I need you here a year ago."
"I'm sorry, Willa." I really do mean it and my conscience has a vicious bite, reminding me once again of how much I fucked up the kid's life. Giving her false hope, then disappearing. What kind of monster am I? I never should've done what Hodge wanted. Willa was counting on me. "I won't disappear again. I'll tell you everything."
"So tell me." She crosses her arms, staring me down with the wisdom of someone ten times her age. "Where did you go?"
"I had to leave for work, I didn't have a choice," I grit out. "I... owed someone. And they were using something to blackmail me."
She nods, not offering any further commentary on my admission. "Then why are you back?"
I think about my answer. What am I supposed to tell her? That I took the first chance I got to get away from Hodge, come back here to be with my woman? Yes. I'll tell her the truth. Willa deserves it.
"There's a girl," I mutter. "Her name is Dove."
"That’s a nice name. Is she beautiful?"
I look up into Willa's eyes, noticing for the first time how matted her once light blonde hair is. She looks... neglected, for lack of a better word.
"She's very beautiful," I smile weakly.
"Would she like me?"
In that one question the kid asks, there's a promise for so much fucking heartbreak it twists my stomach into knots. She wants Dove to like her. As if it will make a difference. Willa's doomed to this life, just like I'm doomed to mine.
"Yes, I think she would," I smile weakly. I'm tired. Tired from all the lies. "Maybe one day you can meet her."
Willa nods thoughtfully and I dig in my pocket, bringing out a phone and a charger and passing them to her. "Here, I got you this."
"A phone?"
"I assumed you didn't have one," I mutter, showing her how to charge it. "It's pretty easy. Keep it hidden. Call me if you need me. Whenever."
"You're not going to be walking by my house anymore?"
"I will if you call me," I grin darkly. "And this way, we can stay in touch even if I have to leave again. Is that ok?"
"Yeah," she mutters, quickly putting the phone and charger out of sight then scampering back to the window. "How long are you staying for?"
"A few weeks, probably," I mutter. "I'll come see you a few times, as much as I can."
"What about Dove?" she asks. My woman's name feels strange in this setting, but I kind of like being honest with this adorable kid. I see something in Willa, something that makes me want to take care of her.
"What about her?"
"Will she be happy you're back?"