"I have to go," I mutter, pulling away from him. I try to hide my disappointment when he allows my hand to slip out of his. "I'm sorry, Sam. I'll try to get better, I promise."
"You better," he mutters. "Because I need you here, kid. Who else is going to lecture me without you around?"
I manage a weak chuckle.
We wave each other off, and I leave him with a bright smile on my face despite the tears.
I'll always have Sam. Of that, I'm sure.
***
Raphael has been texting me all day, and I've been sending back half-assed replies. I can't bring myself to commit to liking him. It's too much. Too much to handle when my mind is still reeling from the first man I fell in love with.
But my self-preservation instincts are kicking in, and I send a text to Robin, asking him if he wants to come over. He's quick to respond, as if sensing something's wrong. He offers to bring over some food, and I agree. I need to make him think I'm at least partially okay. Besides, I don't even remember the last time I ate, and my stomach hurts. I'll have to put something in myself if I want to survive. But do I?
I shake myself to get the thought out. I never let myself go to the darkest of places. It's too hard to get back out of them.
Robin arrives with a lasagna dish thirty minutes later. I let him in. I can tell he knows something's off from the moment he appears on my doorstep. I heat up the lasagna in the oven and we settle in front of the TV. We eat straight out of the dish, for which I'm grateful, because at least he won't see the leftovers on my plate.
"Did you hurt yourself again, Dove?" My eyes snap to my brother's. I would deny it any other day, but something's making me unable to shake my head.
"Why do you ask?"
"Just a feeling." He knows me so well.
"I... I had to," I mutter.
"Dove." I refuse to look at him, picking at the burnt cheese on the dish. "Dove, I thought you weren't doing that anymore."
I hadn't, not for months. I thought I was getting better, but I reached my breaking point today. I couldn't help it. I had to hurt myself. I deserved it. But all of this is too much to put into words for my brother, so instead I just chew on my bottom lip, hoping he'll drop the subject.
"I'm just trying to help you."
"I know," I whisper. There are so many other things I want to say. Like that he won't be able to save me – no one will. That I'm not worthy of his help. That he should spend his precious time on someone who he can actually make better. That there's no hope for me. Instead of saying any of that, my mouth remains firmly closed, my eyes locked on the TV screen but not seeing anything.
"I want you to get better. Don't you want to get better?"
"I don't think I can," I manage.
"Of course you can." He squeezes my hand gently and I try not to wince, because it's the arm I hurt today. "I believe in you, Dove."
"I don't," I manage to chuckle. "You're the only one who has such blind faith in me."
"Because I know you can do it." I shake my head. "Please, Dove. You have to try. For me. For that friend of yours, Sam. For Raphael."
My eyes snap to his. "What about Raphael?"
"Don't you like him?" I nod. "Well, how do you think he'd feel if he knew about this? The self-harm?"
"He knows," I mutter. "He saw the scars." He thought they were beautiful.
"You need to get better for every one of us who needs you here," Robin tells me. "Because we do need you. You're the brightest part of my day, Dove, and I know you can get better."
"Thanks." I wipe my eyes even though the tears never fell, then busy myself by clearing the coffee table. I stop, picking over my words. "Robin, if it's not too much trouble... Could you spend the night?"
"Of course," he replies.
"You're not seeing Elise tonight?"
"You're my priority, Dove."
"Thanks," I smile weakly.
I don't want to be an obligation for my brother. Hate the thought of him giving up things so he can spend time with me. And yet I find myself grateful for his sacrifice.
If he wouldn't stay with me tonight, I know I would hurt myself again.
Chapter 14
Nox
Getting into Dove's apartment is getting almost too easy. It makes me worried about someone else breaking in, taking advantage while she sleeps soundly. She isn't being careful enough. I make a mental note to tell Sam about it, convince him to bring it up with my little bird, since I can't.