The hours of the day echo, empty and hollow. I find a way to keep myself occupied. There’s nobody I want to talk to, nowhere I want to go. Nothing holds my attention. Drinking’s not really in my character and I can’t work out whether that’s a good or a bad thing.
My married life so far has been a short rollercoaster ride, but it feels like it’s derailed into a swamp and gotten stuck. Now I’m just waiting for it to sink and for the mud to close over my head.
It’s all so unlike me, I’m really afraid.
I just can’t face the thought of it all going back to how it was before John’s appendicitis.
When the door opens in the middle of the afternoon, I think he must have left something behind. He breezes in to kiss me. Holds me tight and brushes my hair back as he looks into my eyes.
I’m sure now that he has stopped by to pick something up. He’s actually home early. My stomach tightens in a knot. Something must be terribly wrong.
He says, “I’m going upstairs to change. Won’t be long.”
He heads up the stairs and I call after him to ask, “Is something wrong, John?”
His voice trails away as he says, “Yes. Terribly.” I hear him start to run the shower as he calls down, “There’s something I need to do, Kiera. I should have done it when we first met. That was all wrong. I know now.”
I wait on the patio for him, ashen. Probably, I should have run up the stairs after him, but I’m too afraid. I pour us two large Scotches, but I sink mine before he gets back and I have to pour myself another one.
When he finally gets back downstairs, freshly showered and dressed smartly, the topic of conversation is not what I was expecting.
“Mary said she was concerned about you,” he tells me. “She said I should buy you your own car. Set you up with accounts in all the up-market stores and spas.”
Mary.
“Oh. So did you?”
“I picked out a car for you, but I want to make sure you like it first. But I don’t think Mary’s right. She means well, but she gets a lot of things wrong.”
“Oh?”
“There’s a more serious problem between us. I felt it as soon as I stepped out of the door this morning. It followed me around all day, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. When I was sick and you took care of me, it showed me something important. Something I had missed. It’s like it was in the corner of my vision all the time. And there was something I needed to learn from it.”
“You’re making me nervous, John.”
He stretches out his arms, but I’m too nervous to go to him. He’s smiling and I’m wondering what I really know of this man. I saw him close to death, but he didn’t know it. Then I brought him back to health, but he struggled all the way. I’ve read all kinds of things into the quiet depths that I see in his eyes. But have I been living with a fantasy? Have I told myself a fairy tale? Who is he?
“John,” my voice shakes. “Tell me.”
His head tilts, like he’s seeing me from a different angle. My heart fills my chest, swelling and tightening, and it pounds hard. “My work is important to me. But I was forgetting why.”
He reaches out again, but I’m still shuddering, too anxious for what’s going to come next.
“I do it for the family. So I can keep the family safe, so we can prosper and grow, so I can provide for the family.” His eyes gleam. “But I’ve been missing what’s most important.”
He tilts his head the other way. I’ve never seen a soft, gentle smile like that on his face before. What’s going on?
“What I’ve been missing is what I need to focus on now.”
My heart is in my mouth, and he says, “You need a vacation, a trip to Hawaii. After what you’ve been through, you definitely deserve it. You’ve earned it.”
“John…”
“No argument. You’re going to Hawaii. The O’Malley private plane is fueled up and valeted. I’ve rented a fabulous villa on a clifftop by Kalihiwai Beach on Kauai.”
“Please. Don’t push me away, John. If it has to go back to how things were, that would be hard. Horrible. But it would still be better than losing you. I’m in love with you now, John. Please don’t send me away.”
He holds on to my hand. “The most important part of the family for me now is you. Us. We’re the family that I need to focus on. You’re going to Hawaii, Kiera. It doesn’t matter what you say. And I’m going to give you the honeymoon you dreamed of. The honeymoon that you deserve.”