Carver stood up and walked to the window. Darkness was beginning to take over the sky and in a few minutes they would need to go down to dinner. There wasn’t a chance that Daphney would be walking outside, and yet, his eyes searched for her as they seemed to do every second since meeting the woman. “It doesn’t matter if I like her or not. She and I cannot be.”
“Because of your different stations in society?” It was difficult to convey all of his worries without revealing the true nature of his and Daphney’s relationship, so Carver shrugged.
The problem was not Daphney’s station in life. The problem was Daphney herself and the insurmountable walls she had constructed around herself. Then again, she had opened up to him that afternoon. Hang it, he had to tell Robert at least a little bit of the truth. He couldn’t navigate it all on his own anymore. “When I first asked her to stay here, she made me promise not to fall in love with her.” He chuckled sardonically at the memory. “Said she had no desire to be romantically involved with me.”
“And you believed her?” Robert surprised him with the question.
“Any doubts I had were banished when I had to grease her palm handsomely to get her to stay. Two thousand pounds, in fact.”
Robert just chuckled and pulled a golden snuff box out of his pocket. He held it in one hand and opened it with a lazy flick of his thumb. He took a pinch of snuff and smirked, enjoying a secret that only he was privy to. “Perhaps. But I’ve seen the way she looks at you when you’re not watching.” He shut his snu
ff box and slipped it back into his pocket as he stood. “And if you think she’s only hanging around here for the money, you’re more daft that I expected. You are the only one holding yourself back from that woman, Kensworth.”
Carver looked away, out the window again. He could feel Robert’s examining gaze and resisted turning around. After a silent minute Robert finally said, “Oh, I see it now.”
“See what?”
“You already know, don’t you? You already suspect that Daphney is growing just as attached to you as you are to her…and that upsets you because you think you’re not ready for it.”
His cravat felt too tight again. He tugged at it with his finger but it didn't help. “That’s ridiculous.” He paced away from Robert. For some reason, he couldn’t stand still. He needed to keep moving like he always did.
But Robert stayed where he was. “Did I tell you what I did when Mary informed me she was with child again?”
The sudden and odd change in topic grabbed Carver’s attention. He sighed and narrowed his eyes skeptically. Apparently, Mary and Robert shared the same conversational tactic. “No, you didn’t.”
“I just said, No. And then I turned around and left the house for the entire day.” Carver almost couldn’t believe that his saintly brother-in-law had ever done something so unthoughtful.
Reading the disbelieving expression on his face, Robert said, “Really. I swear I did.” Robert walked to the dying fire and leaned his elbow on the mantel.
“I can’t picture you doing anything so insensitive.”
“No, because you didn’t see me in my darkest days of grief.” That familiar sting of guilt pinched at him. Once again, he had not been there when someone he loved had needed him. He wasn’t there the day Claire had come to see him…the day she died. And he hadn’t been there for Mary and Robert when they lost their child. “The truth is, when Mary told me that we were going to have another child…I was angry. And so I said no and left because in my head, if I acknowledged that we were having another child, it meant the one we lost was truly gone. And I wasn’t ready yet to do that.”
Carver pushed out a breath. “And your point is that I’m angry—because if I let myself love Daphney, I’ll be finally admitting that Claire is not coming back.”
Robert smiled and started walking to the door. “Do you think everything revolves around you?” He turned back around in the threshold of the door, twisting his smile into something more conspicuous. “Can a man not simply share a heartfelt story with his brother?”
“A man, perhaps—but not you, Robert.”
“Whatever conclusion you take is up to you.”
Carver smiled. “Parables are your favorite parts of the holy book, aren’t they?”
Robert chuckled. “They are the most interesting to read, don’t you think?”
But Carver’s mind wouldn't release what they had been talking about before. “I know she’s gone, Robert.”
“Do you?”
Again he had to look away from Robert’s narrowed eyes, away from the truth, and away from the answer glaring at him. He took in a deep breath. “Are you happy now, Robert? With the new pregnancy, I mean?” He couldn’t bring himself to look at him while he asked the question.
“Yes. But I would be lying if I said that Mary and I don’t still have moments of sadness, or fear that this child will face the same fate,” said Robert. “We don’t try to hide it from each other anymore. Talking about it together has gone a long way to helping us both feel better.” Was there another option? Talking about it wasn’t something he particularly wanted to do. Especially if that meant talking about it with Daphney.
After Robert left, all Carver could do was move back to his chair by the dwindling fire and stare at the embers as they faded. If Claire could see him now, she would have undoubtedly laughed at him and said that he was being unbearably tragic. She had a way of always finding the humor in things, and he needed that outlook right now. He leaned back and pictured her sitting across from him, her eyes sparkling with amusement, her cheeks dimpling in a glowing smile.
He ached with loss and darkness and an overwhelming need to hold her again, and then something else. Something new. A different, smaller emotion that sat quietly just below all of the others and, somehow, cast a new light on his pain. It was changing him. And he knew it was because of Daphney.
Being with her those past few days had eased some of his hurt. Her wit and unique view of the world made him feel like laughing again. Like he wasn’t so lonely—and never had to be again, if he didn’t want to be. And when he was with Daphney, he almost felt…like himself again.