The next thing Aunt Gabbana did was to bring
in a wardrobe team, as Paula put it, since I was considered incapable of choosing what I was to wear in the time leading up to my wedding, and especially at the wedding itself. You must understand that I was not anybody in my own right—although of the privileged class, I was just a young girl about to be confined to wedlock. Wedlock: it had a dull metallic sound, like an iron door clicking shut.
The wardrobe team was in charge of what you might call the stage set: the costumes, the refreshments, the decor. None of them had a dominating personality, which was why they had been relegated to these relatively menial duties; so even though all Aunts had high status, Paula—who did have a dominating personality—was able to boss the wedding-brigade Aunts around, within limits.
The three of them came up to my bedroom, Paula accompanying them, where—having finished my footstool project—I was amusing myself as best as I could by playing Solitaire.
The deck I used was normal in Gilead, but in case this deck is not known to the outside world I will describe it. Naturally there were not any letters on the Ace, King, Queen, or Jack cards, nor were there any numbers on the number cards. The Aces were a large Eye looking out of a cloud. Kings wore Commander uniforms, Queens were Wives, and Jacks were Aunts. The face cards were the most powerful cards. Of the suits, Spades were Angels, Clubs were Guardians, Diamonds were Marthas, and Hearts were Handmaids. Each face card had a border of smaller figures: a Wife of Angels would have a blue Wife with a border of small black-clad Angels, and a Commander of Handmaids would have a border of tiny Handmaids.
Later, once I had access to the Ardua Hall library, I researched these cards. Far back in history, Hearts were once Chalices. Perhaps that is why the Handmaids were Hearts: they were precious containers.
The three wardrobe-team Aunts advanced into my room. Paula said, “Put your game away and stand up, please, Agnes,” in her sweetest voice—the voice of hers that I disliked the most because I knew how fraudulent it was. I did as I was told, and the three Aunts were introduced: Aunt Lorna, plump-faced and smiling; Aunt Sara Lee, stoop-shouldered and taciturn; and Aunt Betty, dithery and apologetic.
“They’re here for a fitting,” Paula said.
“What?” I said. Nobody ever alerted me about anything; they did not see the need for it.
“Don’t say What, say Pardon,” said Paula. “A fitting for the clothes you will be wearing to your Premarital Preparatory classes.”
Paula ordered me to take off my pink school uniform, which I was still wearing since I didn’t have any other kinds of clothes, apart from my white dress for church. I stood in the middle of the room in my slip. The air wasn’t cold, but I could feel the goose bumps rising on my skin, from being looked at and considered. Aunt Lorna took my measurements, and Aunt Betty wrote them down in a small notebook. I watched her carefully; I always watched the Aunts when they were writing secret messages to themselves.
Then I was told I could put my uniform back on, which I did.
There was a discussion about whether I would need new underclothing for the interim period. Aunt Lorna thought it would be nice, but Paula said it was unnecessary because the time in question would be short and what I had still fit me. Paula won.
Then the three Aunts went away. They came back several days later with two outfits, one for spring and summer and one for fall and winter. They were themed in green: spring green with white accents—pocket trims, collars—for spring and summer, and spring green with dark green accents for fall and winter. I’d seen girls my age wearing these dresses, and I knew what they meant: spring green was for fresh leaves, so the girl was ready for marriage. Econofamilies were not allowed such extravagances, however.
The clothes the Aunts brought had already been worn, but they weren’t worn out, since nobody wore the green clothing for long. They’d been altered to fit me. The skirts were five inches above the ankle, the sleeves came to the wrist, the waists were loose, the collars high. Each had a matching hat, with a brim and a ribbon. I hated these outfits, though moderately: if I had to have clothes, these were not the worst. I found some hope in the fact that all the seasons had been provided for: maybe I would make it all the way through fall and winter without having to get married.
My old pink and plum clothes were taken away to be cleaned and reused for younger girls. Gilead was at war; we did not like to throw things out.
27
Once I had the green wardrobe, I was enrolled in another school—Rubies Premarital Preparatory, a school for young women of good family who were studying to be married. Its motto was from the Bible: “Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies.”
This school was also run by the Aunts, but—despite the fact that they wore the same drab uniforms—these Aunts were somehow more stylish. They were supposed to teach us how to act as mistresses of high-ranking households. I say “act” in a dual sense: we were to be actresses on the stages of our future houses.
Shunammite and Becka from the Vidala School were in the same class with me: Vidala School pupils often went on to Rubies. Not much real time had passed since I’d last seen the two of them, but they seemed much older. Shunammite had coiled her dark braids around behind her head and plucked her eyebrows. You wouldn’t have called her beautiful, but she was as lively as she always had been. I note here that lively was a word the Wives used in a disapproving way: it meant brash.
Shunammite said she was looking forward to being married. In fact, she could talk of nothing else—what sorts of husbands were being vetted for her, what kind she would prefer, how she could hardly wait. She wanted a widower of about forty who hadn’t loved his first Wife all that much and had no children, and was high-ranking and handsome. She didn’t want some young jerk who’d never had sex before because that would be uncomfortable—what if he didn’t know where to put his thing? She’d always had a reckless mouth, but now it was more so. Possibly she’d picked up these new, coarser expressions from a Martha.
Becka was even thinner. Her green-brown eyes, always large in proportion to her face, were if anything even larger. She told me that she was glad to be in this class with me, but she was not glad to be in the class itself. She’d begged and begged her family not to marry her yet—she was too young, she wasn’t ready—but they’d received a very good offer: the eldest boy of a Son of Jacob and Commander who was well on his way to becoming a Commander himself. Her mother had told her not to be silly, she would never have an offer like this again, and if she didn’t take this one the offers would become worse and worse the older she became. If she reached eighteen unmarried, she’d be considered dried goods and would be out of the running for Commanders: she’d be lucky to get even a Guardian. Her father, Dr. Grove the dentist, said it was unusual for a Commander to consider a girl of her lower rank, and it would be an insult to refuse, and did she wish to ruin him?
“But I don’t want to!” she would wail to us when Aunt Lise was out of the room. “To have some man crawling all over you, like, like worms! I hate it!”
It occurred to me that she didn’t say she would hate it, she said she already hated it. What had happened to her? Something disgraceful that she couldn’t talk about? I remembered how upset she’d been by the story of the Concubine Cut into Twelve Pieces. But I didn’t want to ask her: another girl’s disgrace could rub off on you if you got too close to it.
“It won’t hurt that much,” said Shunammite, “and think of all the things you’ll have! Your own house, your own car and Guardians, and your own Marthas! And if you can’t have a baby you’ll be given Handmaids, as many as it takes!”
“I don’t care about cars and Marthas, or even Handmaids,” said Becka. “It’s the horrible feeling. The wet feeling.”
“Like what?” said Shunammite, laughing. “You mean their tongues? It’s no worse than dogs!”
“It’s much worse!” said Becka. “Dogs are friendly.”
I did
n’t say anything about what I myself felt about getting married. I couldn’t share the story of my dental appointment with Dr. Grove: he was still Becka’s father, and Becka was still my friend. In any case, my reaction had been more like disgust and loathing, and now seemed to me trivial in view of Becka’s genuine horror. She really did believe that marriage would obliterate her. She would be crushed, she would be nullified, she would be melted like snow until nothing remained of her.