It wasn’t everything, but it was most things. It felt like everything because I still had no clue what I was doing even after all this time.
“Specifically, I’m in charge of location scouting, casting, marketing and communications, and also the website. The one thing I don’t get to do much of as VP is work behind the camera.”
A hand shot up in the crowd. The arm was covered in bright red fabric and hard to miss.
“A question? Go ahead.”
The student didn’t bother standing and simply shouted out, “Do you have a studio in the city?” The person beside him snickered.
“We do, but it’s rarely used.” I would never give out the location. That’s all the actresses needed was weird, random dudes showing up thinking they could get with a porn star. “Only when we shoot a full-length feature. Otherwise, we shoot at private homes and hotels in the city and surrounding areas.”
Another hand shot up, this time from a girl in the back. “You’re really young. How old are you?” She twirled her long, brown hair around her finger with a coy smile.
“I’m twenty-four.” A sinking feeling washed over me. It wasn’t going to take much for these students to figure out I was a fraud and that they were more qualified than I was, simply because they were enrolled in school and I had dropped out.
The girl hadn’t bothered to put up her hand again, she just stood and asked, “So did you go to school?”
I shook my head. “I did enroll in film school—here, actually—but I quit after one semester, when I was given the opportunity to direct full time for White Lace.”
“So what are we supposed to learn from you if you didn’t go to school?” A kid in the front row blurted.
I had to stop my jaw from hitting the floor. He had just posed the question I’d been asking myself for the last few weeks. It was a valid question, and I still didn’t know the answer.
What the fuck was I doing here?
I found Grace again in the crowd and she’d sat up straight in her seat. Our eyes locked and immediately I knew how to proceed. With one look she had invigorated me. With one look, she had reminded me of all the responses we’d practiced. When we weren’t fooling around, of course.
“I have years
of on-the-job experience and those years have allowed me to perfect my vision. My trademark, you could say.”
I looked back at Grace and she nodded, relaxing back into her seat. I’d managed to deflect my first controversial question. Pride swelled in my chest and just as I opened my mouth to continue, that’s when it happened.
My mind went completely blank.
Fuck me.
Fuck this.
Fuck everything.
I couldn’t describe my vision, because I didn’t know how. There were no words in the current dictionary that could even come close to describing how bad I was tanking right now.
“I guess you could say…” I heard someone snicker in the crowd. “…I like close-ups?” The words came out in a high-pitched sound as if I were asking them if my answer was correct.
I looked over at Cory, who had slunk lower in his seat. Although he continued to make eye contact with me, urging me on silently. The kid was embarrassed, and I didn’t blame him.
“Live space,” I blurted into the microphone. “I don’t like a lot of live space. If any of you have seen my work, then…” I stopped talking immediately, remembering that this was actually a college, with rules and ethics. I looked over at Professor Hughes.
She nodded, then said, “They’re all over eighteen.”
Thank Christ. Why hadn’t I thought to ask that question before I started?
Because you have no idea what you’re doing.
“Right, so…if you’ve watched any of my scenes, then you’d notice that I like to keep things close, I make use of as much of the live space as possible.”
I looked over at Cory again, who nodded at me with a smile.