Perhaps I need to choose my battles with Braden as well.
…
“It’s so strange,” I tell Rosa the next day at our session. “It’s clear as day now, but for the longest time I didn’t remember catching my mom in bed with that guy.”
“Childhood memory repression isn’t unusual,” Rosa says. “Especially something so unpleasant. Then you have the added issue of the concussion, which can cause retrograde amnesia.”
“It didn’t, though. I remember chasing the praying mantis, and I remember getting lost.”
“But did you remember being at Myrna’s that day?”
“No, not until my mother told me.”
“See? You don’t recall everything from childhood. No one does.”
“But finding my mom in bed with a farm hand… That I should remember.”
“You do. Now. Like I said, it was unpleasant for you at the time, and children often repress unpleasant memories as a defense mechanism. My guess is you didn’t repress it at the time, but it faded away after your parents got back together and everything went on smoothly. The young mind is very resilient, Skye. I’ll say it again. What you’re describing doesn’t sound unusual to me at all.”
“It’s not like me, though. I prefer to be in charge of everything, especially my own mind.”
She smiles. “You were seven.”
I sigh. I know. I was seven. Just a kid. But still…
“Let’s see if we can’t pull some of this together,” Rosa says. “Do you feel responsible for your parents’ breakup?”
“Of course not. Why would I?”
She nods. “What if I told you that I think, on some level, you do?”
“I’d say you’re wrong.”
“Let’s go back to you and Braden for a moment. When you asked him to bind your neck—to choke you—and he refused, he said he was concerned that you were becoming dependent on his punishment. In effect, he thought it was no longer a part of the sexual experience for you, and that it was becoming too real.”
“I disagreed then, and I still disagree.”
Rosa makes a few notes and then meets my gaze. “What if I told you that I think he may have a point?”
“Then I still disagree with you. I enjoy kinky sex. So does he.”
“But he’s in charge, right?”
“You told me last time that I’m in charge.”
“You are, in some respects. But so is he. He can refuse to do something you want. That’s his right, but you’re resisting him.”
“That’s not it. He won’t tell me why he won’t do it. Why it’s his hard limit.”
“Should that matter? You’re resisting him. You’re not letting him have the control in the bedroom, which you said you gave up.”
“Well…technically we weren’t in the bedroom. We were at the club.”
Rosa shakes her head slightly. “Skye, you know very well what I mean.”
I draw in a deep breath. She’s right. She knows it, and so do I. I can’t help a soft laugh. “My mother told me I fought her on everything when I was a kid. Not just important stuff, but silly stuff, too, like wearing a pair of socks that was dirty, or arguing over breakfast cereal. What the hell is wrong with me?”
She smiles. “Nothing’s wrong with you. You’re strong willed. There’s nothing wrong with that. If you were vindictive and irritable, if you blamed others for your stubborn behavior, you might have a touch of obstinate defiance disorder, but I don’t see that in you.”
“I guess I just didn’t realize I’ve been this way my entire life.”
“Our personalities are formed by the time we’re five years old,” Rosa says. “You’re a fighter. That’s not a bad thing. It’s why you’re successful.”
I pause for a moment, thinking. Is that why I’m successful? I’m a good photographer, and I studied the discipline in college and became even better. I took the job with Addison so I could take pictures, and that job, plus my relationship with Braden, inadvertently resulted in my own budding influencing career.
Does that equal success?
Is it because of me after all?
Not because of Addie and Braden?
“You look like you’re thinking,” Rosa says. “Your forehead is all wrinkly.”
I nod. “Yeah. I am. I’m wondering…”
“Wondering what?”
“I guess I’m wondering if I truly am the reason for my success. I guess I’m not even sure I am successful.”
“Of course you are. You’re a talented photographer and an up-and-coming influencer. Sounds like success to me.”
“I always figured no one would care what I thought if I weren’t Braden’s girlfriend.”
“I won’t lie to you. That probably helped. But if you were Braden’s girlfriend but couldn’t write good copy or take a good photo, would you still be where you are?”
“I… I honestly don’t know.”
“You do know. You just don’t want to admit it, Skye.” She pauses. “Let’s attack this from a different angle. Braden is concerned about you getting too much pleasure from punishment. What if he doesn’t actually mean pleasure?”
“Braden always says what he means.”