Except he did want to protect her. He wasn’t sure he could live with himself if he didn’t. And he wanted to make love with her more than he’d ever wanted anything in his life. And that infuriated him, too.
Obsessed.
Who could he blame but her?
She lifted her chin and looked at him with astonishment for what he’d said. “I didn’t think anyone would understand.”
His tongue felt thick. “I do. You came here to start a new life. Maybe to forge some kind of new relationship with your brother. But even that’s been screwed up, because your old life followed you.”
Her eyes kept searching his, her expression so open, radiating such pain, it was like she’d taken a meat cleaver to his chest. But what she said took him by surprise.
“Do you have sisters or brothers?”
Noah shook his head. “No siblings. I think after my mother remarried, they tried. Although I could be wrong.”
“It’s lonely, isn’t it?”
He opened his mouth to say, probably rudely, What do you know? but realized she did. She’d had a brother and lost him. At the same time as she’d lost her father.
Who most people would say was no loss, but most people would say that about Noah’s father, too. And they’d be right, but somehow that didn’t help.
“Yeah.” He had to clear his throat. “It was.” Is. Even if that’s the way he wanted it.
Cait nodded, as if they’d said everything important, and reached for her fork. “It was nice of you to ask me to dinner tonight. You’re right. I was going stir-crazy.”
In self-defense, he started to eat, too.
He asked about her dissertation, and he wasn’t surprised when she admitted she’d managed only a few weekend hours on it.
“Of course, there’s no real deadline, and a little break from it might actually be good,” she said. “I can see it with a more objective eye. I’m not letting myself worry about it until I’m more settled into the job.”
She didn’t say, And until I don’t have to worry about somebody trying to kill me.
Eventually he got her talking about her brother and this new sister-in-law, and he told her what he remembered about Nell Smith aka Maddie Dubeau’s reappearance in Angel Butte.
“It was the biggest news we’ve had since I moved to town,” he said wryly. “Got bigger, too, once there were a couple attempts on her life, and your brother’s investigation opened such a can of worms.”
“The drug trafficking.”
He shook his head. “We already knew that was a problem in the area. Our police department has been part of the joint task force for a long time. What we didn’t know was that we had corruption in our own department.” He still had trouble believing it. “Our own goddamn police chief. And I always thought this town might as well be Mayberry.”
“Apple pie, Little League baseball, kids able to play after school with no one having to worry about pedophiles or drunk drivers, moms putting wholesome dinners on the table, dads walking in the door at five-thirty to kiss their wives and talk about their days?”
He looked at her ruefully. “You always knew better, didn’t you?”
“My life here was not that idyllic.” Her twisted smile made him ache. “The idyllic parts were all because of Colin. I guess I took him for granted.”
“You’re supposed to be able to take the people you love for granted.” He heard himself and was stunned. Did he believe that?
Maybe. What he couldn’t do was relate it to himself.
“I suppose so,” she said softly.
After that, conversation became easier. He did tell her a little bit about his mother and stepfather, the childhood that hadn’t been abusive and sounded okay from the outside, about his teenage ambition to make it to the NFL before a knee injury had put paid to it, him considering going to New York with an aim to be a Broadway star.
“A villain, of course,” she teased him.
“Naturally.” He smiled without regret at what had both been typically youthful dreams. “Went to the U of O and majored in business. I worked in a sporting goods store the last couple of years of high school, Boulder River Sports Company. Do you know it? Really smart guy started it. He’s only a few years older than I am. By the time I was a junior in college, I realized I wanted to be him.”