“Callie, be rational. Luke loves you. I see it every damn day at work, from the way he stomps around in his nasty-ass mood to the way he doesn’t even see a sexy woman when she’s standing right in front of him. He doesn’t want Jolene. He wants you.”
“Avery, I’ve always said I would never be a woman who broke up a family. Well, I also don’t want to be a woman who stands in the way of a son having both parents. I want to give Luke and Jolene the chance to explore their relationship and see if they can work through all the misunderstandings they’ve had. If they don’t make it, and he and I are meant to be, we’ll find our way back.”
She rolls her eyes. “Oh, God, you always did believe in that bullshit, didn’t you? If you love someone, let them go… blah, blah, blah… You do know it’s rubbish, right? If you love them, you gotta hold them close.”
“Sometimes when you love, it’s so deep that all you want is for that person to be happy. Sean is the centre of Luke’s existence, Avery, and I’ll do anything to give him the happiness he has always wanted.” I stand and walk to the kitchen.
Avery follows. “So you’re definitely thinking of moving then?”
I look at her. “Yes, I’m definitely thinking about taking that job.”
As the words fall out of my mouth—the words I’ve avoided saying all day—I realise my decision was made long ago. And I didn’t even understand it for what it was at the time.
When I decided to prove Jolene’s innocence, I also made the choice to give Luke up. And not just for seven weeks.
41
Luke
My shirt clings to me as I run. The humidity this summer is almost unbearable, but I refuse to give my runs up. They’re one of the only things keeping my mind focused these days. There’s a whole hell of a lot of fucked-up shit swimming around in there—I need running like I need air at the moment.
It’s been three days since Mum broke the news of Jolene’s innocence to me. I fought her at first, didn’t want to hear it. The last three days have almost unravelled me completely. I thought the anger and resentment I felt towards my wife had already done that. It turns out the guilt I now feel is far worse.
I reach my house after nearly an hour of pounding the pavement. Sean is out with Paris for the day so I can take care of something I’m not sure I’ll actually be able to get through. However, it’s something I need to do.
I shower and dress fast. Fifteen minutes later, I’m heading towards my destination, unsure of where this will all end up.
Her eyes slay me.
So much pain and desperation that I’ve refused to see for so long.
“I wasn’t sure if you would come,” she says, unknowingly twisting the knife harder. Her voice holds no accusation, though. She has simply lost faith in the one person who should have been standing by her side the whole time.
I push out a long breath full of regret and guilt. My eyes plead with her to hear me out. “Jolene…” My voice cracks. Fuck. “I’m sorry.” Those two words don’t even come close to saying everything I want and need to say. We use them so easily most of the time, usually when we’re making a shallow apology asking for forgiveness. They don’t feel like enough today.
Her eyes close slowly and she exhales. When she opens them, tears slide down her face. “You believe me?” Again, no accusation.
I don’t rush my answer. Instead, I attempt to find words that truly express my feelings. In the end, I fail to come up with anything better than my simple, honest truth. “I do. I should never have stopped believing in you. And for that, I will never stop feeling guilty.”
“I didn’t think you would come,” she says, reiterating her earlier statement. Heaving sobs fill her, and her body shakes while her tears fall and she gulps for breath.
“How could I not?”
How could I leave the mother of my child alone in her hour of need?
Indeed.
How the fuck could I have done that?
We sit staring at each other, both unsure of what to say and of the path forward.
I’ve spent the last three days going over and over our marriage. Wondering when the hell I lost my soul. When did I become a man who could turn against the woman I once loved? I’ve found no good answer to these questions and so I continue to beat myself up over it. I don’t think that will stop anytime soon. I’m certain that every time I see Jolene, guilt and loathing will consume me. I’m certain that the rest of my life will be spent trying to right my wrong.
“Callie hasn’t been to see me. I thought she would,” she finally says.
“I haven’t seen her either.”
She frowns. “Why not?”