“No. He got delayed. I’m not sure when he’ll be home now.” I was disappointed when he broke the news to me last night. Four weeks of him being mostly in Brisbane, with just a few super short visits home, has been too long. Especially since we’ve still not talked about the things we need to. When he does come home, we’re all about sex, and while I love that, it’s not helping us get to the root cause of our problems.
She glances at something to her side before looking back at me, frazzled. “I gotta go, babe. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” She slows down for a moment to add, “I’m sorry Winter’s not coming home today. Hang in there. Hopefully all this shit will be over soon.”
“I love you, Lil. Don’t kill those kids!”
With one last widening of her eyes, she ends the call and I finish applying my make-up. I’ve got a meeting with our Instagram influencer this morning to go over our next three month’s worth of promotion, and then a meeting with the accountant. After that, I’m taking the day off and going to the movies by myself; something I’ve started doing while Winter’s been away. It’s become one of my favourite weekly activities. I’m surprised to have discovered how much I enjoy doing some things on my own.
A text comes through.
* * *
Maddox: You got any spare time this afternoon?
Me: Maybe.
Maddox: Like, at 3pm?
Me: You want me to pick you up from school?
Maddox: I want you to tell me what to buy to wear on this date.
Me: It’s finally happening????!!!!
Maddox: Let’s not make this more than what it is.
Me: Right. As you were. I’m free.
Maddox: Sweet.
* * *
And now I’m not going to the movies, but I’m even more excited about what I will be doing.
My morning drags on. Mostly because I’m keen to get to the part of the day where I spend time with Maddox. As I leave the accountant’s building, I turn my face to the sky and soak in the sunshine. Summer is my favourite time of year. The last seven summers have gone by in a blur of IVF treatments, IVF stress, financial stress, and all-round heaviness. It’s funny how while I was trying so desperately to make something happen that I really wanted, I let go of so many other good things.
Last night, while I spent time in the nursery, I realised how much resentment I’ve been carrying inside. Not just resentment that our fertility treatments didn’t work, but also bitterness about what I’ve missed out on over the years. The kicker realisation was that I was the only one to blame for that. A hard truth, for sure, but today I decided not to spend time stewing over that, too. Life can so easily become a playground for beating ourselves up over every little thing if we let it. I know I’ve spent far too many hours in that playground. No more, though. Now, I choose the fun park to play in, the park that’s filled with joy, and acceptance, and curiosity. I want to get curious about life again; I want to explore all my options and see where they take me.
I drive to Maddox’s school and pick him up, not mentioning the girl I see him walking with. I’ve sharpened my ability to hold questions back over the time I’ve known him. It might be my greatest accomplishment this year. Even Winter is benefitting from my new skills.
Maddox slides into the front seat of my car. “You’re extra queeny today.”
I smile. I got my hair done yesterday; this is his way of telling me I look nice. I’ve figured this much out about his language over the last few weeks.
“So, when’s the date?”
He gives me the bored look of his I often cop. I’ve worked out it doesn’t always mean he’s bored. Sometimes, it means I’ve hit on a topic he doesn’t want to discuss. I’m guessing that’s where he’s at now. Especially when he doesn’t answer me.
“Okay, so I’ll take that as soon.”
“Why are girls so fucking dramatic about shit?” He throws the question out with some frustration, making me wonder what’s happened.
“You’re gonna have to give me some details before I can answer that.”
He puts his feet on the dash before quickly remembering I don’t allow that. “Sorry,” he says as he removes them. Then he shares his thoughts with me, making my whole damn day. “Right, so I’m taking Kristy to the movies this Saturday, and now her friend is all over me about how I was the reason Kristy broke up with her ex, and the reason why he’s out drinking and screwing every bitch he meets. Like, what the fuck business is it of hers what Kristy and I are doing? And why does she bring this shit to me? I didn’t do anything to make Kristy break up with the guy.”
“Firstly, we don’t call girls bitches. It’s offensive and uncalled for.” I look at him, waiting for his nod of understanding.
“Sorry, yeah.”