Pulling my T-shirt over my head, I said, “Go back to sleep.”
“Winter—” she started, but I cut her off.
“Birdie, I’m tired and I’ve had too much to drink to do this again now. Go back to sleep.”
Pulling her knees up against her chest, she wrapped her arms around her legs. “I haven’t been asleep. I’ve spent all night wondering where you were and whether you were okay or whether you were out there getting yourself into trouble again.”
I sat on the bed and removed my boots. When they were off, I rested my elbows on my knees and dropped my head, wishing like fuck she was asleep. Wishing we didn’t have to talk right now.
Birdie placed her hand on my back. “Winter, please.” Her voice cracked. “Don’t shut me out.”
“Fuck, I’m not trying to shut you out.” I pushed up off the bed and faced her as I reached for my belt. The pain on her face hit me in the gut. We were both fucking hurting here. “What I’m trying to do is not say something I’ll regret later.”
“Maybe you should say it,” she said softly. “Maybe it’s what you need. I’m not going anywhere, regardless of what you say.”
“Aren’t you?”
My question came out a harsh demand that Birdie took without argument, and when she said, “I deserve that, and no, I’m not leaving. Not this time,” I felt like a bastard. This wasn’t a fight I wanted, and I wasn’t saying stuff to her because I thought she deserved it. Fuck, I loved her; I didn’t seek to destroy with my words. But somehow, I had to get myself out from under all this anger and hurt without doing just that.
I stripped down to my boxer briefs and got into bed. “We’ll talk when we wake up.”
She didn’t lie back down. Instead, she left the bed and walked to the bathroom. I tracked her movements, unable to take my eyes off her. The intense anger I’d felt when I returned to the hotel earlier had shifted to the kind I could ride rather than unleash. I’d been that furious with her before, I’d struggled to look at her, but now I could. And I couldn’t help but see everything I wanted with her. A life together. Growing old with her. A family if we could make that happen. But still, getting into all this now would be a mistake, so I stayed where I was.
Ten minutes passed without her returning to the bed and my natural instinct to take care of her kicked in. I made my way to the closed door between us and knocked. “Birdie.”
Her muffled voice sounded but I couldn’t make out what she said. “Open the door,” I said.
“Go back to bed, Winter. I’m going to have a shower.”
I knew by the way she stuttered and the faint sound of sniffles that she was crying. Raking my fingers through my hair, I warred with myself over whether to leave her alone or push her to open this door. In the end, my father’s example of how to handle conflict in a relationship led the way and I said more forcefully, “I might be angry about everything you’ve told me, Angel, and I might not want to talk about it right now, but I need to know you’re okay. Let me in so I can see that for myself.” I knew her own pain over losing our baby and the ability to fall pregnant naturally must have been hitting her hard.
It took her another minute or so but she finally opened the door. I ran my gaze over her red, blotchy face and tear-filled eyes as she said, “I’m okay.”
Fuck, how did we get here? She was far from okay, and I was far from being able to help her. I wanted to reach out, pull her into my arms, and tell her we would get through this, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that. My arms were heavy weights by my side, controlled by the shit going on in my head. How the hell that shit had more control than my love for her, I didn’t know. But the truth of the matter was it did. I allowed it to.
We stood watching each other in silence until she quietly closed the door, putting that barrier between us again. When I heard the shower turn on, I sat on the edge of the bed and blew out a long breath. “Fuck,” I muttered, wondering how long it would be until I was able to let these feelings go and begin working through everything with Birdie. I fucking hoped it was soon, because where we were now felt like shit, and we had far too much history to be going backwards. I hadn’t thought I’d ever allow anything to come between us like this.
Turned out I was wrong.
23
BIRDIE
The first thing I saw when I woke just after 8:00 a.m. was Winter’s back disappearing into the bathroom and the door closing behind him. The sound of the shower running a moment later let me know he didn’t intend to come back to bed.
Sitting up, I wiped the tears that leaked from my eyes as I let that sink in. In all the fights we’d had, not once had Winter pulled away from me like he was now. Leaving the bed without touching me wasn’t something he’d ever done. Just like sleeping on his side of the bed, facing away from me wasn’t something I’d had to live through either. Even at his angriest with me, he’d kept me close. This chill between us made me doubt we’d survive this.
Pushing the bed covers off, I went in search of painkillers to help ease the headache I’d woken with. Lack of sleep never did me any favours. Neither did a lack of routine. I was used to going to bed early and getting up for a run before 5:00 a.m. Two days without any of that and I was paying the price.
I rummaged in my handbag and located some Advil. After washing two pills down with water, I made a coffee and was taking my first sip when the bathroom door opened and Winter appeared in the doorway. The towel wrapped around his waist was all he wore.
My body instinctively reacted to his; it always did, regardless of whatever issues sat between us. I knew his reacted the same to mine, and today was no different. His eyes ran over my body, his nostrils flared, and when his eyes met mine, the heat in them was unmistakable. But instead of coming to me, he cut across the room to his bag. I watched in silence as the towel dropped from his waist and he dressed.
Every second of this silence between us slowly killed me.
I drank some more coffee, willing it to help alleviate my headache, before saying, “Are you going out?” He’d said we’d talk this morning, but it didn’t look like he was about to engage in conversation.
Turning as he finished sliding his T-shirt into place, he nodded. “Yeah, I need to spend some time at Dad’s place today. We need to get it ready to rent.”