“This time four years ago, I thought I was gonna be a father…” his voice drifted off.
The pain was clear in his voice now. “What happened?” I asked softly.
“Turned out it wasn’t mine after all. I was the fool who stuck around to see if it was mine, even after the bitch told me it probably wasn’t.” Hatred sliced through the pain in his voice as he spat his words out.
“Was this a woman you were dating?”
“We’d been together for two years. I thought it was more than just dating…I mean, fuck, when you share a house together, furniture together and a fucking bank account together, tell me you’d classify that as more than just dating.” He stopped talking and waited for me to give him my thoughts.
I nodded. “Yes, I would classify that as a relationship which is a lot more than just dating.”
“Thank you. So, one day, I see her out to lunch with this other guy…kissing and flirting, and when I confront her, she admits that she’s been seeing him, too, for over a year. A fucking year.” He paused, gathered himself and then continued. “Hedging her fucking bets, she told me. Said she’d been burnt before and wanted to make sure she chose the right guy this time, so she dated both of us.”
My anger rose. I could hardly believe women like this existed. “Wait…was she living with him, too? And had a bank account with him, too?”
He shook his head. “No, I was the only motherfucking idiot who gave her that.”
He’s still mad, and not just at the woman.
He’s so mad at himself.
“So, did you kick her out when you discovered all this?” I wasn’t sure where the baby was going to fit into all this.
“No, before I had the chance to do that, she left and took all my stuff with her. I came home after work one Friday and the house was empty. Cleared out our joint bank account, too.”
Oh. My. Goodness.
“People actually do that?” The words fell out of my mouth before I could stop them. Of course people did that…he’d just told me they did. But, damn, I struggled to comprehend how anyone could do that to another human being.
“Yeah, Sophia, people do that shit.” His voice was hard and so full of hurt.
“Where does the baby fit in?”
He nodded, eyes glazed over, as if he was remembering his devastation. “I tracked her down the next day and she told me she’d chosen the other guy and was having a baby with him. I asked her how she knew it was his and not mine. She said she wasn’t one hundred percent but believed it to be his. She refused to take a paternity test, and being the dickhead I was, I stuck around that shithole town until she gave birth and I could see for myself whose child it was.”
My heart cracked a little for him. And for his loss – not only of the child, but also the loss of his belief in love thanks to that woman. I could wring her neck for what she had done to this man.
Staring at me, he said, “Clearly the child wasn’t mine, and here I am four years later, childless and still pissed off.” He shoved his fingers through his hair again. “Fuck!”
I moved closer to him and touched his cheek. “You obviously wanted the child to be yours?”
“I did, even though the relationship with the mother was fucked up. I had always wanted children.”
“You don’t want them anymore?”
“Fuck if I know. The thought of bringing children into this world and subjecting them to the hurt that people will inflict on them…that doesn’t make me want to have children.”
“I understand that…God, do I understand that, but, Griff, there’s so much love to be had, too.”
He didn’t reply to that straight away. Rather, he let it settle for a moment. And then he shared another piece of himself with me, and it broke my heart. “My grandfather used to beat the shit out of my father when he was a kid. And then my father beat my brother and me when we were kids. He did take to my mother occasionally, too, but mostly he focused his anger on us. I grew up surrounded by violence, and violence lives in me, Sophia. I’m not sure I know how to love enough to have a child.” Eyes full of anguish and torment stared at me as he bared that piece of his soul.
I wasn’t sure what he needed to hear from me in this moment, so I just went with the words in my heart. “I’ve seen a little piece of your violent side, but I’ve s
een far more of your caring side, too, and let me tell you, the care and kindness you’ve shown me so far is more than anyone in my life has ever shown me. You might have a gruff way of expressing yourself, and it’s clear you hold yourself back from most people, but none of that means you’re incapable of giving love. You have love to give…I mean, look at the way you love Josie. Love isn’t grand gestures and fancy declarations; it’s getting your hands dirty, and being there, and opening yourself up for the people you love…and letting them give all of that back to you. It’s about being honest and handling their hearts with the amount of care you want yours handled with.” I pressed my finger into his chest. “And you do all of that. I hardly know you, but even I can see that you do all of that and more.”
He sucked in a breath. “How the fuck…” He didn’t finish his sentence, seemingly lost in his thoughts.
“How the fuck, what?” I asked, dragging his attention back to me.