‘I never asked anything of you, Tristan! I didn’t ask to be your wife, I didn’t ask to be taken to a country where I knew no one and left alone there for days on end while you went away…’ She gave a wild laugh. ‘God, I didn’t even ask where you went to! I asked for nothing and that’s exactly what I got!’
Still her fists flailed at him, raining blows on his chest and his arms that he had absorbed without flinching, but now he caught hold of her wrists and held them tightly. ‘What do you want?’ His voice was a low rasp, edged with despair. ‘What do you want, Lily?’
She went suddenly still. Their faces were inches apart and she could smell the citrus scent of his skin. It brought back a rush of memories that sent heat flooding downwards through her stomach. Heat and wetness and need.
I want everything we nearly had and didn’t.
I want the impossible.
I want you.
‘I just want some…consideration,’ she said hoarsely, ruthlessly stamping out the need and the longing, fighting to hang onto the anger of a moment ago. ‘I want to not have to listen to you standing up there theorising about what makes a successful marriage, when ours was nothing but misery and loneliness.’ Her voice cracked and she tried to hide it with an ironic, selfmocking laugh. ‘Stupid as it sounds now, I wanted all that stuff that you mentioned—the sharing and the talking, but most of all I wanted…our baby. I wanted our baby so much.’
The sob that escaped her was muffled by his mouth coming down on hers as he gathered her into his arms and pulled her into his body. Her tears ran over his fingers as he held her face in a kiss that went on and on, fuelled by despair and rage and sadness and guilt.
Guilt that after all that had happened, after the enormity of what she had lost, Lily found herself wanting to forget, just for a moment. To be the person she had been—full of love, instead of empty and angry and hollowed out by grief. Her hands tangled into his hair, gripping tightly, and their teeth clashed as she kissed him back with the ferocity of her anger. And then he was lifting her up, sweeping her into his arms and carrying her across the lawn, his breath coming in harsh, shaky gasps, his chest rising and falling as he held her against it.
She didn’t look up, didn’t tear her mouth from his for a moment, but she knew where they were going. Even before she felt his footsteps slow, or heard the clatter of his feet against the wooden boards of the walkway, she knew where he was taking her.
Her tattered heart cried out in the emptiness inside her as he carried her back to the place where it had all started.
Back to the tower.
It was as if time had caught, taken a wrong turning, looped back on itself.
Everything was as she remembered, exactly the same. The dying light coming through the arched windows, the apricot glow behind the trees, the sparse room with the bed at its centre, like a stage. Everything.
Except…
Themselves.
The slow, dreamy languor with which they had touched each other last year was gone now, replaced by a desperation that made their movements swift and clumsy. Tristan didn’t take her straight to the bed. Kicking the door shut, he let her slide from his arms and she slammed herself back against it, pulling him into her with a savagery that made him gasp. ‘Lily…’
She didn’t want gentle.
She couldn’t do tender.
Gentleness had died in her along with her baby. Tenderness had been ripped out of her by the surgeons afterwards. Now she wanted oblivion.
‘No,’ she said harshly, grasping handfuls of his shirt and bunching it into her fists. ‘No words. You don’t have to worry, Tristan, I don’t want love or tenderness or a happy ever after any more. Just make me forget, all right?’
Her voice was as jagged and cruel as broken glass, her movements swift and vicious. Her hips arched up towards his, grinding against the hardness of his arousal as her hands grappled with the buttons of his shirt until impatience got the better of her and she tore it open, exposing his bare chest to her fingernails, raking the flesh as he pushed up her skirt and tugged at her knickers, tearing the silk before entering her with a single powerful thrust that made her cry out in fierce triumph.
He drove into her with a relentlessness that made her dried and shrivelled heart sing, and with every hard push she felt the twin demons of anger and grief receding. Heat was spreading inside her, sending out bright tongues of flame to the furthest extremities of her body and building to a core of white brightness at a point in the cradle of her pelvis.
She closed her eyes, focusing on the light, and the movements of the muscles under his skin as she held onto his shoulders. He was carrying her, holding her and she was going to shatter…
She let go, crying out and throwing her head back so that it banged against the door, opening her eyes and looking at him through the fiery haze of sensation that claimed her.
And then she felt herself crashing down, spiralling back to earth.
Her heart stuttered and stopped and she felt the heat in her veins turn to ice. With a final shuddering thrust Tristan bent his head and hid his face in her hair, but not before she’d seen the expression of extreme suffering it bore.
They stood, motionless, still locked together as their breathing steadied. Staring into the melting remains of the day, Lily’s eyes stung with tears she couldn’t shed. Tristan’s head was heavy on her shoulder. Then he seemed to gather himself, straightening up as if it hurt him. Wordlessly he picked her up and carried her to the bed.
Ecstasy and despair, balanced on a knife edge, she thought numbly. After the pleasure, the pain.
Except for him there had been no pleasure.
Duty.
That was all.
Always Duty.
The moment he placed her down on the bed, Lily rolled away, lying with her back to him and tucking her knees up against her body. Tristan felt the ever-present guilt harden inside him, mixing uneasily with self-loathing.
How could he have been so crass?
He had wanted her so badly, but that was no excuse for behaving like an animal, taking her standing up against a wall, for God’s sake. When he had brought her here he had intended it to be like closing the circle. A new beginning. Instead he had only ended up hurting her even more.
Dios.
‘Lily, I’m sorry.’
She didn’t move. Only the barest nod of her head, rustling her hair against the pillow, showed that she had heard him. He sighed and raised himself up to sit on the edge of the bed, his back to her.
‘I didn’t mean for that to happen. I came after you to tell you that…’ He paused, remembering with a cold, sickening feeling what she’d said. I don’t want love or tenderness or a happy ever after any more… ‘I just came to tell you that the answer is yes. I’ll help you with the…the adoption.’
‘You don’t have to. I shouldn’t have asked.’ There was a note of resignation in her voice that turned him inside out.
He got up stiffly. ‘No. You should. It’s fine.’ He looked down at her for a moment, feeling the knife in his gut twist. ‘We’ll work out some way of…being together.’
For a long moment their eyes held and a fathomless sea of unspoken words swelled between them.
‘OK,’ Lily said very quietly. ‘Thank you.’
‘It’s the least I can do.’
He went over to the chair that stood against the wall and sat down.
‘What are you doing?’ she said in a small voice.
‘I’ll sleep here tonight.’
He hadn’t expected her to argue, but it still hurt that she didn’t. She lay down with a soft sigh and turned her back towards him, reminding him unbearably of the time in the hospital. In the soft grey light he watched her, until the delicate ridge of her spine, her creamy shoulder, the pale undersides of her narrow feet had faded into the gathering darkness.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
‘SO, MRS ROMERO… It’s all right if I call you Mrs Romero, is it? Only I don’t think your full name, or—er—your title would fit on the forms.’
‘No, no, of course. That’s fine.’ Lily caught the sharp, critical edge in Miss Squires’s voice, but forced herself to ignore it. She could call Lily whatever she damn well liked as long as it brought her closer to getting a child at the end of all this.
They were sitting in the Primrose Hill garden in the shade of the cherry tree. Laying the little French café table with a polka dotted cloth earlier Lily had hoped that Miss Squires would be won round by the rectangle of lawn that would be perfect for kicking a ball around, and the cherry tree that was crying out for a pram beneath it. But that was before she’d met Miss Squires. She looked as if it would take a lot more to win her round—a lifetime subscription to an ecological group and a fondness for knitting, for a start. Lily watched as she busily ticked boxes on the paper in front of her, trying not to let her heart sink.
‘Please forgive me for asking,’ said Miss Squires with a little laugh. ‘We don’t have a huge number of marquesas applying for adoption. Your husband would say the same about the title, would he—if he were here?’
‘Absolutely. My husband never uses his title. It’s really an irrelevance.’
Miss Squires’s thin brows shot up beyond the rim of her glasses and she quickly wrote something on the paper. ‘So, where exactly is he, Mrs Romero? It is usual for us to see both partners at a home assessment meeting, you know.’