“Fuck,” I mutter. Because what else is there to say?
WHEN WE get back to Ginger’s, she’s in the shop and waves us upstairs to her apartment. I feel like I should say something more to Rex, but how do you soothe a pain someone’s lived with for so long as opposed to just irritating it again?
I sit on the couch and I’m vaguely aware when Rex sits next to me and slides his hand into mine.
Is Colin dating that guy? Maybe I read things wrong. Maybe they’re just friends. Or…. I shake my head.
“So, do you know the man who was with your brother?” Rex asks, like he plucked the thought right out of my head.
“No.” After a while, I continue. “I just—I can’t understand how he… could be with a man. He thinks I’m disgusting. Or, even if he just hates being gay even though he is, who would want to be with him if he hates them? And that man—I mean, not to stereotype, but he looked pretty, um, powerful? Like, it’s not as if Colin could just close his eyes and pretend he was with a girl, you know?”
“Well, you never know what people are into,” Rex says.
I know he’s right. Christ, I’ve never known it better than today because never in a million years would I have imagined seeing Colin being held by another man.
I feel the kind of confusion that’s seeped into my bones. The kind of confusion that makes me question everything. That makes me wonder if maybe Colin never hated me at all? Or maybe he hated me even more than I ever imagined, just for different reasons. I can’t think about it right now because if I do I’ll go crazy. I can’t think about any of it.
“Rex, I….”
“What, baby?” he asks, immediately turning to me.
“I know this sounds trashy or pathetic or whatever, but I just really want to get wasted. I can’t—” I shake my head. “I can’t deal with any of this right now and maybe if we were home I… but we’re here and I just… I just can’t.”
“I understand,” Rex says, though he looks apprehensive. “Well, I’ll look out for you, of course. What do you want….”
“Just whiskey,” I reassure him.
He nods, clearly relieved.
“Jesus, what did you think I wanted?”
He looks embarrassed and ducks his head.
“I don’t know. Just… you’ve said things before that made me think maybe you used to—” He searches for the words. “Escape in more extreme ways.”
“Yeah, I used to dabble, I guess, but I don’t do that shit anymore.”
“Good,” he says, and his hand tightens on mine.
“I just—I don’t want you to think I’m a loser who drinks all the time. I don’t, really. I just… sometimes it helps.”
“I can help too, you know.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” he says, cupping my face and running rough thumbs over my mouth. “Maybe this isn’t the time or the place, but I’m here.”
I look into his beautiful face. His expressive mouth that always tastes like home. His whiskey-colored eyes, which, if we were alone together, would be the only drink I’d need. I throw a leg over his lap and straddle him the way I did the night we first met. Only this time, he doesn’t pull away. He holds me tight, even though I’m sweaty and dusty and bloody and disgusting. Even though I’m a mess. He holds me tight and looks into my eyes as I kiss him. I twine my fingers into his thick hair and kiss him with everything I have. Not trying to turn him on, just wanting to crawl inside his warmth, his comfort, and hibernate until it’s safe to come out.
Unfortunately, Ginger didn’t get the memo because that’s when the door opens.
“Whoopsie,” she says as we pull apart. Then her face turns stormy. “Daniel Mulligan, are you getting blood on my couch? Take a shower, you dirtball!” Then she turns to Rex and smiles sweetly. “Why don’t you help him out? I’ll take care of dinner.”
“Whiskey, Ginge,” I ask her nicely.
“I know,” she says.
In the bathroom, Rex strips me out of my dirty clothes, murmuring disapprovingly at the bruises he uncovers. He pushes me under the hot water before taking off his suit. There’s a knock at the door as Rex steps into the shower with me.
“PS,” Ginger says, “You’ve got exactly eleven minutes before that water turns ice cold.” Shit, I forgot that.
“Better be quick, then,” I say, and drop to my knees in front of Rex, nuzzling into his crotch, just wanting to feel close to him. He starts to harden immediately and his hand strokes my hair, but he pulls backward.
“Daniel, no, you don’t have to—”
I pull his hips back toward me and lick down his length, from root to tip.
“I want to,” I say. I just want to do something for him. Something right, for a change.