“What about side effects?” I asked.
“There have been reports of upset stomach, nausea, and in some cases mild headaches, but everyone reacts differently. If you were to suffer any side effects they should settle down after a few weeks of regular use.”
“I’m sorry to keep asking questions but-”
“That’s what I’m here for,” Dr. Wilson assured, interrupting Matt.
“Am I right in thinking even though we can’t have actual sex yet, oral or, um, otherwise… we can still do other stuff, right? I mean touching his, you know, stuff…is safe?”
The struggle as Matt tried to summon the appropriate words to use was evident on his face. Squeezing his hand tight, I actually felt a little sorry for him. Sure, sex is the most natural and instinctive thing in the world but discussing it out loud with a virtual stranger certainly wasn’t easy. It needed to be talked about in our situation, however, and I was so damn proud of him for having the courage to do it.
“If you’re referring to mutual masturbation then that poses no risk to you. I’m sure you know semen carries the virus but it can’t be transmitted through skin so touching it is perfectly safe. Going back to oral sex, providing you have no cuts or ulcers, the virus has a low chance of passing into the membranes of your mouth, but there is a chance nonetheless. That being said, any fluid expelled prior to full ejaculation is considered perfectly safe, given the fact the level of the virus it contains would be extremely low, coupled with, as I said, the membranes in your mouth being harder to penetrate.”
“I’m not sure I’d be comfortable with that,” I cut in. “Not without a condom.”
“These are things only you, as a couple, can decide. A mixed status relationship will always have obstacles but it’s not impossible. There is no reason you can’t enjoy a healthy and fulfilling relationship just like anyone else. It just needs a little more groundwork while you work out what works best between you. The most important thing is that you talk about it, you do whatever you feel comfortable with and you stay safe. It appears to me that you’ve made a pretty good start.”
“Thanks, Doc. This, um, hasn’t been the easiest visit I’ve had from you.” Matt stared at the coffee table, squirming slightly in his seat.
“I’m sure. But you were absolutely right to see me before you take this to the next level. Any more questions before I leave?”
“No, thanks. Although I’m sure I’ll think of some later.”
“You can call me at any time. I can probably get you an appointment with Kevin or Marie, our HIV counselors, as early as Thursday if you’d like?”
“Sounds great,” Matt agreed.
“Okay then,” Dr. Wilson said, picking up his briefcase and rising to his feet. “I’ll be in touch tomorrow. Oh, and I was so sorry to hear about your mother. Wonderful lady. My condolences.”
“Thank you. She was very fond of you.”
I could see why. I’d seen a lot of different doctors during the last six years, both for Corey and myself, and most of them had their head stuck so far up their ass you could see their hair in the back of their throat. Dr. Wilson, however, had managed to quash some of the many fears I’d had for so long in just under forty minutes and it wasn’t even my appointment.
His visit made me realize that I hadn’t fully accepted my diagnosis. I did still have unanswered questions and I did in fact need the counseling I’d convinced myself was a waste of time. By the time he left I felt lighter. Positive. I was looking forward to meeting his team at the clinic and finally making peace with myself.
And…I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather tackle this with than my best friend.
“How’d you feel?” I asked Matt as we made our way back inside after seeing the doctor out. I was in awe of him, not just because of how well he handled discussing things with Dr. Wilson, but because of who he was. Positive. Accepting. Loving. All the things I wished I could’ve been after I received the news.
He stopped next to the spiral staircase in the center of the room, leaning casually against the steel rail. “Optimistic. You?”
“Reassured. Hopeful.” Tucking a lock of hair behind his ear, Matt smiled. “I’m so proud of you,” I said, closing in on him and palming his cheek. “That couldn’t have been easy to talk about.”
“I’ve definitely had less awkward conversations with him, and that includes the time my left ball swelled to the size of a baby’s head after I trapped it in a door.”
“How the hell did you…never mind,” I trailed off, blinking away the image that invaded my head. “You did it. For me.”