My cock was hard and begging for attention when I felt Alex’s body tense above mine. This is it, I thought, digging my ass into the mattress to give him access. But then he inhaled deeply into my neck, his breath setting my skin alight, before blowing out a tortured sigh and climbing off me completely.
“Did I do something wrong?” I asked, feeling like an inexperienced teenager as I propped myself up on my elbows. It was a question I never expected to have to ask someone. I was a damn good kisser and I knew it.
“I-I can’t do this,” he said, staring down at the floor. “Not with you.”
Whoa. Rejection. I think it would’ve hurt less if he’d kicked me in the balls.
“That’s the second time you’ve said that. Why not with me? What the fuck is wrong with me?” I sounded exactly like one of the many clingy chicks I’d had the misfortune of waking up next to, and I hated myself for it. I was Matt fucking Carter. I didn’t do desperate and I sure as shit didn’t beg.
Until now.
I stood up, forcing him to look at me by tugging on his arm. “Alex this isn’t a joke. I swear to you I really am feeling all these things for you. Feelings I don’t understand. Feelings that fucking terrify me. But they’re there. They’re real.”
“It’s not you-”
“Oh please,” I interrupted. “Don’t insult me by playing the ‘it’s not you it’s me’ card. I’ve played it enough times myself to know it means shit.”
Alex shrugged away from my touch. “But it’s the truth. I care about you too much to let you get attached to the idea of something that will never work. Something I can’t commit to.”
“Sorry, was I drunk when I proposed marriage to you? Because I sure as hell don’t remember.”
He shook his head, tutting at me. Fucking tutting! “Don’t do that.”
“Do what?” I glanced down myself and then around the room, exaggerating every move of my head. “Me standing here pissing you off now, too?”
“Do that. Start being an ass because you’re upset.”
“I’m not upset,” I spat. I just hoped the single tear stinging the corner of my eye as it threatened to tipple over didn’t betray me. What the fuck is wrong with me? I felt what can only be described as desperate, desperate for him to hold me again, to tell me I wasn’t going crazy. “Just don’t lie to me about commitment bullshit when I’ve never once asked you for any such fucking thing.”
Alex was absolutely right. I was an ass when I was upset. I couldn’t seem to help myself.
“I don’t do relationships.”
Seriously, that’s your excuse? “I’m not even asking for that much. Can’t we just see what happens?”
“I don’t do casual either.”
I laughed, turning away from him. If I didn’t laugh I would’ve punched something, most likely his face. “What a croc of shit. If you’re not interested just be fucking honest! I can take it. What I can’t take is you lying to me.”
“I’m not lying. I don’t want to fight with-”
“Oh, come on. Despite popular opinion I’m not a fucking idiot, Alex. I’ve seen you with countless guys. Hell, you’ve even had one of ‘em in my fucking house! So don’t start trying to convince me you’re some kind of born again fucking virgin.”
“You’ve seen me with a guy. Singular. I’ve only been with Ryan for the last three years.”
“So…” I took a moment to try and unravel his unnecessary lies and what the possible reason behind them could be. “You do do relationships?”
“No, no,” he protested, frustration lacing his voice. I shook my head, smiling mockingly, annoyed that he felt he had the right to be irritated with me. “It’s not like that between us.”
“You’re not making any fucking sense.” And who the hell is this Ryan anyway? If he was so important to Alex, why didn’t I know anything about him? “How come if you don’t do relationships and you don’t do casual, you can do whatever the fuck it is you do with Brian?”
If I hadn’t been so pissed I’d have been ashamed of myself for being that guy - the guy who purposely uses the wrong name because they’re jealous.
“Because he’s the same as me!” Alex yelled before turning sharply and slamming his fist into the wall behind him. Not hard enough to do any damage, but enough to make a dramatic impact.
“Ah, now I see what this is all about. He’s gay and I’m not. That it? I might not have known all my life like you, but that doesn’t make what’s going on in here…” I thumped on my chest, “Any less fucking real!”
“Goddammit, Matt!” he screamed with such force I shrank back a step. “You want the truth?”
I wasn’t sure I did anymore. The intense flash of pain in his eyes when he roared flooded my stomach with heavy panic.