Now? He was just Matt. A regular guy. My friend.
That being said, I’d be lying if I said there weren’t moments when I wondered what the hell was I doing there. Just standing in Matt’s gigantic kitchen, palms resting on the mahogany island, the extravagance would sometimes smack me square in the face. Money and luxury surrounded Matt wherever he went and in everything he did, which by default meant it often surrounded me too.
I never allowed myself to think of this fortunate lifestyle as my own, of course. I still dug deep into my pockets to find enough loose change to buy a carton of milk, yet it did scare me how used to it all I was becoming. Not least because of how comfortable I felt driving around in a Jag that probably cost more than my apartment. I’d done nothing to earn any of it, so I refused to believe I belonged in this world.
I forced myself to forget my qualms when Matt walked listlessly into the room. Right now I was here for my friend, not the superstar. I could hardly imagine how hard the day would be for him. I loved my parents, of course, but they lived in Wisconsin and we had a more Christmas and birthdays kind of relationship – not nearly as close as Matt was to his mom.
“How’re you holding up?” I asked, placing a hand on his shoulder. He shrugged gently beneath my touch and when I looked him in the eyes I saw the precarious tears teetering on the edge.
A simple touch no longer seemed enough so I shifted closer until my body was aligned with his. It felt like the most natural thing in the world to encase his tall body in my arms and squeeze him so tightly I could feel his racing heart beat against my own.
“Thank you,” Matt muttered, gripping firmly onto the back of my suit jacket. “I couldn’t have gotten through this without you. I don’t know how you’ve put up with my whiney ass all week.”
“Because I love you.” Matt’s back stiffened in my arms before he backed away completely, clearing his throat. “You’re my best friend,” I added, because his reaction made me feel like I’d made him uncomfortable. The air became thick with awkwardness and I turned away from him, sticking my head in the fridge and pretending to look for the bottle of orange juice that was right in front of my face.
After a long, silent conversation with myself I decided I was reading way too much into things. Matt knew I loved him. I’d told him before, I was sure. I’d always been open about my feelings, it’s just the kind of guy I was, and it’d never bothered him before this morning.
Drop it. He’s grieving for Christ’s sake. I mentally scolded myself and it worked. I was being ridiculous, and selfish given the significance of the day. Even so, I felt a shower of relief rain down on me when Sawyer and Jake arrived, absorbing some of the tension that I may or may not have been imagining.
“Neil’s outside trying to get rid of some of the photographers,” Sawyer announced after giving Matt a solid hug. “I’ve hired extra security, too. They’re on their way. When they get here we’ll leave for the church.”
“Is it really that bad?” Matt asked, fiddling with his cufflinks. Putting the imaginary atmosphere between us aside, I stepped in and fastened them for him.
“It’s a fucking circus out there,” Sawyer explained, disgust dripping from his voice. “Fucking parasites.”
“The press don’t bother me,” Matt said, shrugging. “It’s what we signed up for.”
He made a valid point, but I still thought they should let him live such a difficult and emotional day in private. Sure, he owed his success to the public and the media, and he thanked them for that every time he left the house. I’d never known Matt turn away a fan requesting an autograph or a photographer wanting a quick exclusive. They made him who he was today and he knew that better than anyone, which is how I couldn’t fathom why the jackholes wouldn’t show him the same courtesy and let him grieve in peace.
Like Sawyer said, a full team of security guards arrived after twenty minutes or so. The scene was surreal as we made our way out to the waiting cars. At one point it felt like I was an extra in a Men in Black movie, just waiting for Will Smith to jump out on me at any moment. As a general rule, Matt lapped up the attention he’d receive when out in public. He truly was born to be famous. He shone in a crowd, reveled in the sound of his name being chanted. Not today, of course. Today he walked briskly with his head down, taking cover behind one of the bodyguards who had more muscles than the ocean.