“Her tablet? She’s only three!”
“It’s a special kiddy one,” Max clarifies. “She’s been asking about you.”
“She has?” The brightest, most genuine smile illuminates James’ face.
“She’s been making her birthday list. You’re down for a Paw Patrol Pup Pad.”
“I have no idea what that is.”
“Oh, she’ll tell you. She had me circle it in the toy catalogue so she could show you.”
“I can’t wait to see her,” James says, and there’s a sincerity in his smile that makes me believe him.
“What’s the food like?” I ask, keeping the conversation light…at least until his mother’s gone.
“Edible,” he replies with a smile. He’s still tugging at his sleeves and I wonder if Max notices, too. I doubt his mum does. She’s too self-absorbed to pay attention to what her own son is doing. “I’ll ask if I’m allowed to bring you some sushi in from the place you like tomorrow.”
“Ew. Do you like that stuff?” Julia asks with a shudder. It might well be the only thing we agree on.
“I’d love that,” James says. “Thank you.”
Awkward conversation and uncomfortable silences continue throughout visiting time. Julia is the cause of the tense atmosphere, though I’m sure she’s too conceited to know it. I also expect I’m alone in that thought. She’s their mother and they love her, but that doesn’t mean I have to.
“I’m sorry,” James mutters, unnecessarily, for what must be the twentieth time as he hugs his mum goodbye with one arm.
“Just cheer up and get out of here. We’ll discuss your position in the business when you’re home. It might be time to make Gerard an active partner.”
She looks at me briefly when she let’s go of James and I force a smile, hoping its insincerity shines bright. I hate you.
When Max and Julia leave, I linger behind for a minute to say goodbye. “It was good to see you smile today,” I tell him, clasping the top of his arm.
“It felt good.”
“Whatever you’re doing, keep going. I can’t wait to lie with you. Hold you…” Leaning in, I hover my lips next to his ear and whisper, “…without eye-patch guy watching us.”
James chuckles. “I want that, too.”
Smiling, I let go of his arm, my fingers mourning his warmth. “See you tomorrow?”
“You will.”
I turn to leave, stopping when his hand appears on my shoulder. “Thank you, Theodore.” Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out his iPod, handing it to me.
I raise an eyebrow, confused. “For what?”
“Staying.”
My lips curl and I drop my head to the side, resting my cheek on his hand. “Always.”
**********
The next day, I’m taking the bus into town to pick up James’ sushi when I receive a call from Max. “Hey,” I answer, my mood upbeat.
It’s quashed immediately. “The hospital just rang. James had a bit of a meltdown this morning. He can’t have visitors today.”
My heart slowly slithers into my stomach. “What kind of meltdown? Is he okay?”
“He got upset after his therapy session.” Max sighs. “Smashed up his room.”
Oh, James. What are you doing?
“The nurse I spoke to said it’s normal, that we should expect setbacks like this.”
But I wasn’t. He seemed so positive yesterday. A little quiet, perhaps, but more like himself.
“Right. Okay. Can I go tomorrow?”
“I don’t know. I’ll call in the morning and see how he is.”
“Okay. Thanks for letting me know.”
Disheartened, my hand falls into my lap after ending the call. I’m beyond gutted, knowing James is struggling and, once again, I’m not with him. All I have to offer is my arms, my love, and I’d do anything to give that to him right now.
There’s no point in continuing my journey, so I get off the bus at the next stop and wait for one that will take me back to my flat, where I plan to wait for Tess…and probably cry.
**********
It takes three days for James to be ready to see me again, and I spend those days listening to the song he chose for me over and over again. At first, it filled me with faith, now I just feel sad. Has he stopped believing the lyrics?
Keep going, James. Keep believing.
After the last time he refused to see me, I needed to distract myself somehow before I fell apart entirely, so yesterday I went into work, quickly wishing I hadn’t bothered. From the second I stepped onto the marketing floor I had Mike up my arse, threatening disciplinary action over my absence. Stacey corrected him after lunch, stating that I’d been approved for unpaid leave. I think she might have made that up, but I’m grateful regardless.
I expected Stacey to quiz me for details about James but, to her credit, she didn’t. Ed, on the other hand, pushed me for gossip at every available opportunity, so I avoided him by making myself look busy even when I wasn’t.
When I got home, I finally started reading through the manuscripts I rescued from the slush pile to take my mind off things. It worked for a while, and I put one that intrigued me to one side in the hope I can convince submissions to take another look. It consisted only of the first three chapters, but I want more, so there must be something worth investigating.
I went back in this morning. As much as I hated yesterday, it’s a necessary evil. The curiosity surrounding James’ absence won’t subside until things return to normal, whatever normal may be.
Now, I’m at the hospital, sushi in hand, waiting for visiting time to start. Max thought it best I come alone so James’ doesn’t feel overwhelmed and I appreciate that, knowing he wants to see him just as much as I do.
When I’m let inside along with a handful of other visitors, I find James sitting in a different spot today, by a window overlooking a garden area. Walking over to him, I raise an eyebrow and hand him the paper takeaway bag.
“So what happened?” I ask, feigning a scolding expression.
“I’m sor-”
“I didn’t ask you to apologise. I asked what happened.”
“You’re cute when you’re mad. Do you know that?” He smiles, but I don’t return it, as much as I want to.