“I’m a very complicated man, Theodore.”
I’ve known this since the first time we met but hearing it aloud almost destroys me. That alone baffles me. How has this happened? This connection. This pull. This need I feel for him. It’s more than attraction. It’s a craving. An addiction. I feel like he could be the best thing that ever happened to me, or the most damaging. No in between.
“But I want to,” I say, the words cracking on my lips. “I want to understand you. Know you.”
“You don’t,” he replies without hesitation, without emotion or expression.
“You said you’d try.”
“And I will. I am. That doesn’t mean I think I should.”
Just when I think I’m breaking through he unravels it all with just one sentence.
“You don’t trust me.” It’s an accusation as opposed to a question.
“It’s not about trust,” he counters, squeezing his eyes closed. I can’t tell if he’s frustrated or in some kind of emotional pain. “Dammit, Theodore!”
Whoa. He’s angry. My neck jerks back in response. “I’m sorry,” I say, but I don’t know if I mean it. Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed him, but maybe he shouldn’t have reacted like a dick.
“No.” James shakes his head, his annoyance dissolving into a sigh. “Don’t apologise. Not to me. I shouldn’t have snapped, and now I’ve ruined what’s been a perfect day with you.”
Taking his face in my hands, I kiss him. I kiss him because he needs it. I kiss him because I need it. I kiss him because it feels right.
“The day isn’t over yet,” I whisper against his lips.
He presses his cheek to mine and smiles, his trendy stubble scratching my skin, and once again everything is right with the world.
For now.
“Take me to your place.”
I don’t know why but his suggestion fills me with nerves. “Um…”
“I want to see where you live. Who you are. It’s only fair. You’ve been to my apartment, and stained my couch.”
Holy freaking shit. If my cheeks burn any hotter they will surely explode. “My flat isn’t…well, I doubt it’s up to your standard.”
“I’m not a snob, Theodore.” He sounds a little offended.
“And Tess is probably there, too.”
James raises an eyebrow. “I know how to converse.”
I feel oddly comforted by his sarcasm. It’s easier to understand than when he’s being cryptic.
“I’d like to meet your friend.”
He would? James has never struck me as a people person.
“You look surprised.”
“No. It’s just, you’re not the most sociable person I’ve ever met.”
“She’s important to you, and you’re important to me. I want to meet her.”
I swear James Holden is the only person I know who can flip between being a conceited prick to perfectly charming, several times, during a single conversation.
“Okay then,” I agree, unsure of my decision.
“Your car or mine?”
“Yours.” Not only is my car a rust bucket on wheels, the passenger footwell is currently filled with McDonald’s wrappers and rubbish. “I’ll pick mine up tomorrow.”
Knowing they lock the park gates at night, James waits for me in his car while I move mine to the roadside of a neighbouring street. I make my way back to him, feeling inexplicably nauseous, and pray the whole way that Tess doesn’t humiliate me.
I don’t speak while we take the stairs up to my floor. James is what can only be described as fucking loaded and I can’t help feeling embarrassed, not good enough. Twisting my key in the lock, I half-hope Tess isn’t here, but I know she will be, and I’m right.
“I bought mince so you could-” She cuts herself off when she turns around and sees me, us. “Well fuck a duck.”
I roll my eyes before shooting her a death glare. “This is Tess,” I say to James.
Stepping forward, he offers a hand to shake. “Nice to meet you, Tess.”
Please play nice.
“And you, David.”
Bitch!
“Um, my name is James,” he corrects, pursing his eyebrows in confusion.
Tess shrugs. “You’ll always be David to me.”
James looks to me for clarification but I ignore him. I’ll tell him later. Maybe. Unless Tess gets there first. Right now, she’s too busy ramming her nose into his neck.
“What are you doing?” James asks. He must regret coming here already. I sure as hell do.
“She’s sniffing you. For a lesbian, she sure has a fascination with how men smell.” My explanation sounds ridiculous, and that’s because it is.
“A man’s aftershave says a lot about them,” she says, as if her weird behaviour makes complete sense. “Armani,” she decides.
I’ve never tried to guess. I just know he smells delicious.
“You have a good nose,” James says. “And what does that say about me?”
“That you’re not cheap. You’re driven, controlling, intelligent and cocky.”
James smiles, shaking his head a little. “And you got all that from my aftershave?”
No. She got all that from me. I’m planning her murder as we speak.
“What were you saying about mince?” I ask Tess, diverting her attention away from James. He doesn’t seem bothered, but I am.
“I fancied shepherd’s pie, so I bought the ingredients for you.”
Tess is more than capable of cooking, she just chooses not to.
“Do you like shepherd’s pie?” I ask James. Crap I’m nervous. I haven’t even got a sofa for him to sit on while he eats. He must think I’m a tramp.
“I do. I had it last night in fact.”
Damn.
“Well you haven’t had Theo’s,” Tess interrupts. “It’s amazing.”
I smile awkwardly while Tess plonks herself down on the living room floor in front of the forty-two inch smart TV. It’s probably the most expensive thing in the whole flat and I only have it because my brother upgraded and usually gives me first refusal on his cast offs.
“You’re not helping?”
She doesn’t look back as she starts flicking through the channels. “David can help you.”
I want to kill her.
Much to my surprise, James pushes his sleeves up to his elbows. “What can I do?”
I’ve never imagined him cooking, which on reflection seems stupid. He lives alone and, given the fact he’s alive, clearly eats. But still, I feel like I can check off another box on the Getting to Know James Holden list.