I looked back at the queen. “Thank you,” I said. I knew I had been dismissed, but I still stood there. The queen looked at me oddly as if she noticed my hesitation. She glanced at Kazi, then back at me. Her eyes suddenly turned sharp again.
“On second thought,” said the queen, “it would be the height of foolishness to strike a bargain with a band of outlaws. I’m not sure I can really trust you, Jase Ballenger. You might revert to your old, lawless ways. What do you think, King Jaxon?”
He looked startled for a moment, then answered, “I completely agree.” He stepped close to his wife, shaking his head disapprovingly. “I don’t trust him. Look at that smirk of his. I don’t think it’s safe to let him go.”
Was this the trick they’d been planning all along? My blood raced. “What—”
“Though I could send a trusted representative along to keep an eye on you,” the queen suggested. “An ambassador of sorts. What do you think, Patrei? Do you think I should trust you?”
I stared at her, the air punched out of me, but then, the glimmer ag
ain—I saw the glimmer in her eyes, and it struck me. I understood what she was doing.
CHAPTER SIXTY-ONE
KAZI
The queen made me no promises. She had listened carefully to everything I told her, and I watched her expressions change as I spoke. Sometimes I saw anger, surprise, confusion, and sometimes I saw sadness, or maybe I was only seeing myself reflected in her eyes. I kept to the facts, only telling her things that pertained to the kingdoms and what I observed. I didn’t tell her about Jase and me together, nothing about the wilderness, because that was a story that would take me a lifetime to tell.
When I finished, she told me she would consider everything I said—including what I had boldly asked for—but she had to see the prisoner for herself. She had to speak to him, look him in the eye, get a sense of who he really was, and then she would decide, but she sped up the process, calling him to the receiving hall immediately.
I was right behind the queen in the passage as she walked to address Jase, but just before entering, I stopped and pressed myself up against the wall. I couldn’t go in. I couldn’t face him. I’d heard his angry shouts echoing down the hallway—his resentment and bitterness. There were some things I could try to make right for him, but some things would be forever broken.
“Kazimyrah,” the queen called, “is this the prisoner you told me about?”
I had no choice but to enter the room. I pushed away from the wall and created composure where there was none, molding my dread and regret into one step and then another, calling upon old tricks, fooling myself one more time that I could do this. Juggle Kazi. Pivot. But there was nothing left to juggle, no more directions to turn.
“Yes, Your Majesty. It’s him.”
I fixed my eyes on the far wall, listening to the charges, waiting. It felt like giant hands pressed down on my shoulders, like every one of my bones was about to crack under the strain. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could stand, but after only a few minutes, I knew. I heard it in her voice. It was firm and familiar, a voice I had first heard six years ago when I spit in her face. Bring her along to the Sanctum. Back then, I couldn’t hear the compassion in her voice. I was too frightened, too angry. But I heard it now, and I wondered if this was another one of those things you could only perceive from a distance.
I watched her closely as she listened to him tell the Ballenger history, gauging and interpreting her every move and blink. I knew she heard the pride in his voice, the determination, and the responsibility he bore. She was seeing all the same things in Jase that I saw, who he really was, and everything he could still be.
It was all going well, better than I could have hoped. Tor’s Watch was to be recognized for what it was, the first realm of the land. I took a chance and looked at Jase. He was leaving. He was going back. It was what I had wanted, what I hoped for, because Hell’s Mouth did need him. His family needed him. But then he looked at me, and my mind became a windstorm, memories whirling in a riotous tunnel, and I saw it all sweeping away, out of my reach.
Then the path suddenly veered terribly, and everything spun out of control, the storm exploding right in the middle of the receiving hall. My head pounded, trying to quickly retrace where it all went wrong.
I’m not sure I can really trust you, Jase Ballenger.
I don’t think it’s safe to let him go.
What do you think, Patrei? Do you think I should trust you?
I was frozen, afraid to move, my eyes locked on his, my breath trapped in my chest waiting for Jase’s reply. Say yes, Jase! Tell her! Tell her you’ll keep your word!
But instead he hesitated.
Tell her!
He looked back at the queen. “No,” he answered. “I don’t think you can trust me at all. I might slip back into my old habits.”
What was he saying? Had they all gone mad?
“That’s just what I thought,” the queen replied. “I’m afraid I’d need someone who was equal to your sly ways, someone clever enough to keep you in line. Someone already familiar with Tor’s Watch.” The queen looked up at me. “What about you, Kazimyrah? Would you be willing to take on this position? Would you be willing to go back with the Patrei?”
I looked at her, trying to grasp what was she saying. Go back? The room bloomed with stifling heat, the air sucked out in a sudden whoosh. Ambassador? She didn’t understand. “I’m afraid, Your Majesty, that would be impossible. I’ve left considerable ill feelings behind me in Tor’s Watch. I wouldn’t be a wise choice for a liaison.” I looked at Jase, my eyes stinging. “And I’m sure the Patrei wouldn’t want me to go back with him. Everyone there despises me by now.”
There was a long, fragile silence, then Jase shook his head. “Not everyone.”