“What do you mean, ‘why?’ Because we want to be together. We shouldn’t have broken up in the first place. They were only rumors. I was just being jealous and stupid.”
Jesus. She thought it was her fault? How could she be so smart and so stupid at once? “Yeah, I was gonna tell you that.”
Exasperated, she put her hands on my chest and shoved me backward, and I smiled at her feistiness.
“Kidding, kidding. You know I’d never think that about you.”
“No, I don’t.” She stuck her hands on her hips. “You say that stuff to me all the time.”
“That’s only because your reactions are fun. I love making you mad.” That was true, but right now it also felt safe. Her body was looking way too good to me right now, and my shorts were way too tight in the crotch.
“This is what you had to tell me before leaving? How you really feel about me?”
Oh, Jesus. I put my hands back in my pockets and tried to adjust myself. “How I really feel about you. You don’t want to know that.” I’d sort of meant it as a joke, since I was dealing with an uncooperative erection at the moment, but Natalie’s face was serious.
“Yes, I do. Tell me.”
Oh, fuck. What was the right thing to say here? The thing that wouldn’t ruin our friendship forever?
I decided to go with a truth, if not the truth. “I think Dan is the fucking luckiest bastard on this planet, and he better fucking realize what he has and treat you right.”
“That’s what you think about Dan.” Her eyes dared me to answer differently. “What do you think about me?”
Thunder growled above us, and the rain would start any minute. The air was hot and heavy with it.
&nbs
p; Fuck it. I’m just going to be honest.
“I think you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met. I think no one will ever be good enough for you, least of all me, but all I want to do right now is kiss you. Well, that’s not all I want to do. But it’s a start.”
She gasped and went perfectly still. And then the most amazing thing happened. She swayed forward, lifting her lips toward me as if she actually wanted me to do it. My hands clenched and my stomach muscles contracted. God, if it were any other girl, I’d have grabbed her and pulled her down on top of me in the grass already, impending thunderstorm or not. But it wasn’t any other girl—it was Natalie, and I knew she’d regret this. I had to do the right thing.
“But I can’t.” I tore my eyes away from that waiting mouth.
“Huh? I mean, no. You can’t.” Flustered, she backed away from me, her hands knotted in front of her.
Thunder rumbled again; the storm was getting close. “You should get inside,” I told her. The longer we stood out here like this, the less I cared about doing the right thing.
“OK.” But she didn’t go. She threw herself at me, her arms wrapping around my waist, her cheek pressed against my chest. Oh fuck, she feels good. I put my arms around her and held her tight, trying desperately not to think about her breasts crushed against me. This was the closest we’d been physically in years, maybe ever. Did it mean she wanted me that way? Was she really going to cheat on her boyfriend?
A little sob and then another escaped her, giving me the answer.
No, she wasn’t. And it was better this way.
It made goodbye easier, it made our friendship easier, it made my life easier.
“Hey.” I gave her shoulders a little shake. “Enough. You’ll get snot on me.”
She laughed and stepped back, wiping at her nose. “You deserve it for saying that stuff to me.”
“You’re probably right. But you asked how I felt.”
“Yeah, I guess I did.” She sniffed and shook her head, like she couldn’t believe what was happening.
Lightning illuminated her pretty face, making my chest ache again. Had I just fucked up my one and only chance with her?
“Email me, OK?” Her voice was quiet. “Let me know how school is.”