Aware of the force field Carter usually erects when he needs to defend himself, I don’t really expect much of a reaction to my words. I’m surprised when he looks down and I see something like disappointment in his eyes. “You got rid of me that fast, huh? Just the other night you were saying you loved me.”
There’s enough hurt in his words that I drop some of my own defenses. Even if he is the one who put us in this situation, I feel bad for him. I don’t hate Carter, I just can’t be in a relationship with him if I know it will drive me crazy. Now that I know he went over to her house and I saw what happened, I could never trust Carter with Erika again, not even as friends. I know he was willing to cut her out of group hangs, but she’s a cheerleader and he’s on the football team. What about away games? I refuse to babysit him, and I don’t want a version of Carter I would have to babysit. When I started falling for him, I fell for what he sold me—an imperfect person, absolutely, but one I would never have to worry about cheating.
I don’t know what to say. I want to take the sting out of my words and make him feel better, but I don’t want to give him false hope either.
“I still care about you,” I offer, carefully. “I just can’t be with you. Whether you intended to or not, you damaged my ability to trust you. Knowing you’re unscrupulous with other people is one thing, but you’re right, in order for me to accept all your baggage, I needed to be the exception. I needed to be the one you treated like a teammate, like I was in on the joke you’re playing on the world, not the one you’re lying to and plotting against. That’s a dealbreaker for me, Carter. I liked feeling that you respected me and had my back. I would’ve had yours, too. But I didn’t sign up for this. I didn’t sign up to be like every other inconsequential girl you didn’t care about. And if that’s all I am, that’s fine. I can’t dictate how you feel about me. I’m not sayin’ I am special, but if I’m just like all the others, then I’m not interested. You can’t make me interested again, because I never wanted that in the first place.”
Carter’s hot gaze burns into me. “You are not just another girl to me, Zoey. Can’t you see that? In a world full of phony bullshit, you’re the only thing that’s real. I do respect you immensely. What happened with her was before we officially got together. I know that’s a technicality, I know it still fucking sucks, and I’m sorry for that. But this is not something you and I break up over. I don’t care about Erika. She’s dead to me. I’ll never be alone with her again, you have my word on that. I care about you, I care about us, I care about the future I can see us having, and I’m not about to let you chuck it all out the fucking window when we’re just getting started. If you couldn’t handle me, that would be one thing, but not over this. Not over her.”
I know there’s little point arguing with Carter. I’ve volleyed back and forth in a battle of wills with him before, but I’m tired, I’m sad, and I’m done. I don’t want to play these games with him anymore. I don’t want to defend my worldview and explore his. I just want him to leave and let me get back to my life.
Since I know he already expects that the only reason I’m doing this is because he hurt me with the Erika thing, I offer him the rest of the story. “You’re too much of a distraction, Carter. I get so wrapped up in you and everything else gets moved to the backburner, and it never stops. It never slows down. It’s not like it’s just a bumpy road getting to the relationship and then things calm down. There’s a dark secret lurking around every corner. There is so much I still don’t know about you, and… after this Erika thing, I am just at capacity. I don’t have enough interest left to keep going through things with you. I’m sorry if that sounds hard-hearted, but you know what? Less than a week ago you put your whims ahead of me. I have to put my future ahead of you. I have to keep my grades up so I can graduate at the top of our class, get that scholarship, and get the hell out of this town. That’s my only chance, and I really believe that if I stay with you, I’ll blow it. I know you like the idea of a future with me, but we were together for like 5 minutes, Carter. It probably wouldn’t end up workin’ out between us, and then where does that leave me? Drowning in an ocean of regret because I allowed my high school boyfriend to distract me with his endless drama and my focus slipped. I can’t have that. I won’t.”