My cheeks heat, because she asked a question like that in front of Bella, which makes me sound like I’m a nasty slob who doesn’t shower.
I didn’t even skip a shower when I was wallowing, damn it.
My phone buzzes, and I look down, expecting it to be Jax. But it’s Bora instead.
Nope. That is not disappointment I feel. Not at all.
Great. Now I’m even trying to lie to myself these days.
BORA: Scarre
d for life. Never going to watch Dad’s concerts again.
ME: Do I want to know?
“So I’ve been thinking,” Ruby drawls, glancing at me from the side. That look means she’s worried about what she’s going to say.
“Do I want to know?” I ask her, echoing the text I just sent Bora.
“About you and Jax and this situation.”
My eyes dart over to Bella, but apparently Ruby doesn’t notice I don’t want to talk about it in front of someone I don’t know because she continues.
“You’ve let everyone back in except for him, which makes me wonder if that’s… Um… Maybe a little unfair?”
I look down, trying to slow the rhythm of my heart.
“I know it’s not fair. It’s not even about the argument anymore,” I admit quietly.
“It’s about the fact you’re embarrassed over the snap?” she guesses.
“No. I’m not embarrassed. Well, not really. Maybe I was a bit dramatic with the entire thing, but… I didn’t even realize all the resentment that had been festering for years until Jax moved wrong and the house of cards collapsed. It was just a chain reaction after that, and honestly, it needed to happen.”
She nods like she agrees.
“Sometimes things need to be broken before they can be fixed,” she says quietly. “Doesn’t mean this thing with Jax should end. He was just the catalyst. He wasn’t the main issue.”
She’s hitting the nail right on the head, but she can’t possibly understand. Ruby endured Corbin Sterling and came out on the other side happier. I’m not her.
“It’s not fair that I can’t move forward with him, which is why he needs to move forward without me. I’m not strong enough to be with him because it took so little for him to break me, Ruby. What happens when everyone goes back to treating me like the Bo they love to walk over and talk down to? I’ll go back to allowing it, and Jax… Jax is the wildcard that could send me over the edge again.”
She’s staring at me like she’s processing my words.
“Then don’t let them walk over you. You’re a hell of a lot stronger than you think, Bo. And a hell of a lot stronger than anyone in your family gives you credit for. Tell them to fuck off when they’re pissing you off. Tell them to shut up when they can’t stop listening to themselves talking long enough to hear what you have to say. You and Jax deserve a lot more than this simply because you’re worried you’re not strong enough, when you are.”
She sighs as she leans against my closet doorway, crossing her arms over her chest as she studies me.
“Jax is good for you, but you need to learn how to have an argument. Trust me, arguments can be really damn fun when it comes to makeup sex.” She waggles her eyebrows, and I roll my eyes while snickering. “The problem is, you’ve never truly argued. So it’s not a surprise that you don’t know how to bounce back. Don’t be like your mother and give up on love after one thing doesn’t go the way you want it to, Bo. That’s giving up more than you’ll ever lose.”
Uneasiness creeps into my stomach as I think that over. I’ve argued… Well, maybe I’ve argued a little… I mean, I know I’ve disagreed with people before…
“There’s no such thing as a conflict-free relationship,” Ruby goes on. “But the conflict is what makes us stronger. Together. When you walk through hell, you appreciate all the good times a lot more. Trust me. If anyone knows, I do. You can think of a thousand reasons not to be with someone. Or you can cling to one reason to be with them. It’s worth it, Bo.”
“I don’t have to have a man,” I point out.
“No one does,” she agrees. “Life is just usually more fun when you have someone to spend it with.”
I blow out a breath, wishing I didn’t feel like the walls were starting to close in again. I don’t want to argue with her…