"That bastard won't have a damn cent when I'm done with him," she says through her cackles. "I made him. I can ruin him!"
She laughs harder, and I look up to Dane, possibly seeking his help. I'm not sure if I want his help or his protection, to be honest. The Mad Hatter has pulled a body switch with Eleanor.
"Mom, what happened? What'd he do?" Tria asks softly, still afraid to get too close.
I start to worry that Eleanor is going to hyperventilate when her giggles become almost painful. If you've ever witnessed someone laughing, you kind of can't help but laugh, too, even if you don't know what's so damn funny. So I laugh, as does Dane.
Tria works really hard not to, but she can't help it. Eleanor is infecting us with her hysteria. I'm starting to worry there is biological warfare going on, and someone has released laughing gas into the house.
"The stupid asshole. He's cheated on me... for years, and the... bastard had... the audacity to apologize," she says through her theatrical heaves of laughter.
O...kay...
"He cheated on you again?" I ask, my laughter slowly fading.
Tears are streaming down her face as she loses her breath from the ungodly outburst she's having. Not one of those tears seems to be mourning for the loss of her marriage. She's just laughing so hard that it's forcing tears out. Unbelievable.
"Again," she heaves, cackling. "Oh, sweet Rain, he cheats on me with someone new every year. But the bastard knows better than to do that shit in my bed. He has his own fucking room."
Okay... this is so weird. And Eleanor said fucking. Who is this crazy lady wearing my stepmother's skin?
"So he screwed a girl in your bed?"
I really don't know how to broach this.
"And now I have crabs!" she says through even louder hysterical laughter.
Wow... So did not see that coming, and I wish I had bleach for my brain.
Dane coughs and turns away to hide his laughter, taking quick strides and abandoning me as he makes his escape. I can almost picture him running far away from here. What a great way to start our relationship—or what I think is a start.
My stepmother announcing her crab infestation is not a morning time conversation. I need liquor to endure this.
Involuntary laughter attacked me after epic sex with the guy of my dreams, and poor Eleanor is cursed with the inability to stop laughing after catching crabs... Maybe they're on to something with the whole nature versus nurture thing.
"He fucked her in my bed, and the bitch left her crabs on my sheets. The son of a bitch didn't even have the maid change my sheets. I haven't had sex in ten years, and now I have crabs!"
She wheezes when her hysterical laughter steals her breath, and Tria and I both squirm uncomfortably. Damn you, Dane Sterling, for leaving me.
I finally go to sit down, even though I choose the other couch—far away from the woman who is now doubled over, clutching her side as her body shakes. Tria wisely stays away from her, too, and sits down beside me.
The woman I've rarely seen break is a mere hull of herself as she sips scotch this early in the morning.
"Want one?" she asks, swirling her glass of amber liquid.
Great. Now the Mad Hatter wishes to have a tea party.
"Um, Eleanor, should we go to the drugstore or something?" I ask as Tria sits there, not really helping me out very much.
"No," she says while swatting away the question. "Melanie is on her way with all I'll need. I just told her to give me a while to take out the trash."
Aunt Melanie is coming over? Good. She'll make sure Eleanor is taken care of.
"Is that really why this happened? Or is it because of what I told you?" Tria asks.
Since we've been here, she's been quiet. Now that I'm paying attention, I see regret in her eyes.
Eleanor's laughter completely ceases as she straightens her back and rolls her shoulders.