“Go on. Take your ma shopping. We’ll see if Joe drifts off at the show, and then maybe an ice cream after.” It was more words strung together than his dad usually managed, so Renzo nodded.
“Yes, sir. Sounds good.”
Part of him wanted to hug or kiss Canaan goodbye, but the other part of him wasn’t so sure about doing it in this crowded pizzeria with his family as audience, and he settled for squeezing Canaan’s arm and a long, meaningful look which Canaan returned until Renzo’s face heated, already thinking ahead to that night.
As he and his mother made their way to the shops, she glanced behind them at Canaan, Joe, and his dad going the other way, Canaan pushing Joe’s wheelchair and miracle of miracles, making his dad laugh at something.
“He really makes you happy, doesn’t he?” she asked, pausing by an empty bench. “You keep smiling, all morning. I can’t think when the last time was I saw you smile so much.”
“Yeah, he does.” A lot of the smiles had to do with the epic sex, but no way was he confessing that. And it wasn’t only the sex—Canaan made him happy in so many little ways. Like packing Renzo’s preferred shampoo so he wouldn’t have to use the hotel stuff. Or volunteering to help with Joe and treating Joe with the dignity he deserved, something other friends had fallen short on over the years.
“So it’s serious?” She sank down on the bench. “I haven’t seen you serious about anyone before.”
“It’s early days.” Renzo took a seat next to her, so he wasn’t looming over her. “But, yeah, I think maybe we could have something good.”
“Ah.” Her voice was smaller than usual, and Renzo’s stomach sank to somewhere around the divots in the sidewalk. “I always thought...”
“You always thought what?” he prompted when she trailed off to nothingness, looking ahead at the sunglass kiosk opposite them instead of at Renzo.
“Oh nothing. Just always figured...” She made a vague gesture.
“You’ve always been okay with me being bi,” Renzo reminded her, bitter taste gathering in his mouth.
“Of course.” She patted his knee. “But that doesn’t mean I didn’t... It’s silly really. Ignore me.”
“You always thought it would be a woman I brought home?” he finished for her.
“Maybe.” She looked away again. “But that doesn’t matter now. I’m happy for you, angel. I am. Don’t worry about me, really. I’ll get over my jealousy that Carmen’s going to have grandkid number five this year.”
Fuck. Renzo hated feeling like he was disappointing her. “You’ve got me. And I’m sorry—”
“Oh, don’t be sorry. Like I said. It’s silly.” She gave a self-conscious smile. “And like you said, it’s early days for you and Canaan. No need to get ahead of ourselves.”
“Yeah.” Renzo didn’t like the strong feeling he got that she’d be rooting for them to fizzle out, him find someone she liked more, someone who met the expectations she had for him. Expectations he’d always vaguely been aware of but was only then really realizing. Being with Canaan permanently might mean letting down one of the most important people in his life, and that sucked.
“Let’s go look in the clothing shop over there. Don’t let me get you down.”
Too late. He was already down and stayed that way even as she seemed to move on, brightening as they found a home store with Disney-inspired plates and decor. She let him buy her a “Be Our Guest” casserole dish for the potluck he’d probably only hear about. Fuck. He loved his job, loved this coast, loved Ca—
Wait. Maybe not that. It was way too soon to love Canaan, right? He was simply drunk on the best sex of his life. Like he’d told his mom, it was still super early. No need to go trying to figure out how this...thing between them might fit into his future plans.
But even as he lectured himself, he still felt like he did on a dive—weighed down, constrained by equipment, even breathing tougher than it needed to be. Being with Canaan was supposed to be fun and easy, and he wanted that back.
Loaded down with packages, he and his mom returned to the others, and Canaan had a big smile for him, genuine and unreserved pleasure at Renzo’s presence, and Renzo knew in his bones that he wasn’t giving this up. Not yet. Not so soon after finding it. Give me a little more time to figure shit out, he begged the universe.
Chapter Twenty
“We need to go out,” Canaan said into the phone as he and Renzo tried to hash out what they were doing with their Saturday night. In the week or so since Renzo’s family had visited, they hadn’t had a ton of time together, but what time they had had was mainly spent holed up in Canaan’s apartment. Not that he was complaining about all the sex, not at all. And he did like how willing Renzo always was to share a meal with Grandpa. But Canaan was an extrovert, and he was going a little stir crazy.