“LT always likes to keep plans close to his chest. That and we need to protect you. There has to be a contingency plan. There’s always multiple contingency plans. Truth be told, you were way more at risk than anyone was really comfortable with.”
“Yeah.” Spencer’s reply was little more than air, and Bacon knew what that soft sound really meant.
“Do you want to talk about what happened?” He forced himself to gentle his tone. “We’ve got all the time in the world for it now. I’m sure you’re probably thinking there were other options, that I didn’t have to shoot.” Bacon studied Spencer as much as the darkness allowed. Like Bacon, he’d removed the night-vision goggles, but he wasn’t looking at Bacon, instead intent on his rowing.
“You did what you had to.” Spencer’s voice was terse.
“Yup. But it’s okay for you to be freaked out, angry even. It was probably the first time you saw something like that.”
“I just...couldn’t you have waited for them to be a threat?”
“This isn’t some movie where we can all debate how wrong someone was to shoot first. I followed my orders and training. Letting them get closer, discover us, maybe even shoot at us would have been a royal clusterfuck. Best case scenario would have been them taking us hostage, and I was under strict orders to not let that happen.”
“I guess you’re right.” Spencer sounded far from convinced.
“Would you have felt better if they wounded you first? Because I wasn’t going to let that happen. No chance.”
“But...” Spencer sighed, a heavy sound of resignation, and Bacon had a feeling he’d be punching something if they were on land. As it was, the oars hit the water more forcibly for a few strokes before Spencer spoke again. “We didn’t even check on them. Shouldn’t we have... I don’t know, done something?”
“We did do something.” Remembering back to his first few missions and how utterly lost and overwhelmed he’d felt, Bacon could be patient with Spencer. “We followed orders. I couldn’t guarantee there wouldn’t be more guys coming within seconds. There was no time to waste.”
“Don’t you... I mean, you’re all worried about me and how I’m coping, but what about you?”
“Me?” Bacon took a breath because this was probably where his tentative friendship or whatever with Spencer died. “You wanna know how I’ll sleep tonight? How many times I’ve been in similar situations and whether it weighs on me?”
“Yeah. I want to know what you need. Maybe I’m not the one who needs to be talking.”
“Thanks for the concern, but I’m okay. Truly. The first couple of times I was out in the field, I didn’t sleep the best after, and I really wrestled with my feelings, but these days I don’t have any issues with sleeping. Or guilt. Which I know makes me seem callous or unfeeling, but I’ve made my peace with what I do to keep my team safe. My country too for that matter.”
“I hate that you had to do that for me. I feel... I don’t know, unworthy of that, somehow.” Spencer was still shivering so Bacon moved so he was right beside Spencer.
“Stop rowing for a minute. Let’s see if we can warm you up.” He rubbed Spencer’s arms, moving slowly because he knew his touch might not be the most welcome. “And you are worthy. But if it makes you feel better, I would have done the same for anyone standing next to me.”
“And that doesn’t bug you? Having to do that?”
Bacon groaned as he continued trying to rub some warmth into Spencer’s icy hands. “This is why I don’t have relationships. People think boning a navy SEAL sounds so sexy until they learn what it is I really do, and then they’re either weirdly fascinated by my kill count or completely put off by it. Few people want a cold-blooded sniper as a long-term partner. Hell, even my non-military friends don’t like knowing details.”
“I’m not going to lie. It does change how I see you.” Despite his words, Spencer wasn’t pulling away from Bacon, instead leaning into his touch. “You did something I’m pretty sure I couldn’t do if the situation were reversed and that’s...sobering. But I’m not thinking you’re some sort of monster or something if that’s what you’re worried about.”
Bacon released a breath because he had been worried about exactly that. “When I signed up for SEAL training, the only thought in my head was proving my old man wrong. I had so much anger from Jamie’s death, but I didn’t really want to hurt anyone. I was an emo punk kid from Kansas, not a killer. Even with all the hours they had me out on the shooting range that first year, I still wasn’t sure I could do it.”
“I bet.” Spencer’s voice was soft and reassuring.