“Yes.” My admission is filled with bitter guilt.
Cassian spins me around, causing me to gasp in surprise. When I glance up at him, I find anger swirling with desire in his eyes. The look of a man who’s about to devour his prey is painted on his handsome face. I want to close my eyes and not see the attack. But instead of cowering, I look him dead in the eye and wait.
“Get on your knees,” Cassian orders in a voice dripping with lust and desire. There’s no debating what’s about to happen, so I obey, lowering myself to my knees. I look up to see the bulge that’s so clearly prominent in his tight, black jeans.
I can’t help but squirm at the sight, and a chuckle from Cassian tells me he’s seen my weakness. He knows how much I want him, how many years I’ve craved this. His hand tangles in my wet curls, and he tugs my head back as he leans forward, so we’re eye to eye.
“Don’t think this is because I want you,” he grits through clenched teeth. “You’re here because I abhor men like Paulo, but I never claimed to be better.”
“You said you wanted to be the hero,” I force out the words he spoke earlier. “My hero.” At my admission, he releases me quickly, stepping away as he runs his other hand through the barely-there crop of dark hair.
“I shouldn’t have done that,” he says, but he doesn’t look at me. “You’re fragile. You’re—”
“I’m not broken, Cassian,” I grind out confidently through clenched teeth as I push to my feet. “I may have a weakness for a high, but I’m not broken.” I want to taunt this man, to push him to his limit and see him lose control. For years he kept himself restrained around me. But I’m tired of him treating me like I’m made of glass.
“Then why do I feel like I’m about to shatter your world?” he asks as he turns to face me. His expression is pained, his eyes still dancing with desire, and his lips, they’re curled at the corners.
“Because you have the power to do that,” I admit. It’s not like he didn’t know how I felt about him. I told him enough times over the years. Granted, we haven’t seen each other for a while, but he knew. He still knows. I never hid anything from him. Of everyone in my life, Cassian is the only person who knows every sordid detail about me.
He turns to face me fully. This time, there’s a seriousness etched on his handsome face that makes me nervous. But then he asks, “Then why do you allow me that power?”
22
Cassian
I don’t know why I ask her that, but I have to know. She’s always given me the power to possibly break her heart, and perhaps, without knowing, I did. She never once said anything about it, she never told me I hurt her, but deep down, I can’t help but wonder if I inadvertently did when I told her we couldn’t be anything more because she wasn’t eighteen.
I was always cautious about our friendship. Even though there was flirting, obvious desire, we never acted on it. Her eyes are wide as she focuses on me. Her earlier need for drugs seems to have mellowed out, for now. But tonight, when she’s in bed alone, she’ll crave it. I know. I’ve seen it happen with others.
“I didn’t think you would be the one to break my heart,” she finally responds, and I realize her words are guarded. There’s an admission so clear in her answer, and my own chest tightens at the thought of me hurting her.
“We never spoke about feelings, emotions,” I tell her honestly. Over the years, she never hid how she felt; that much was clear, but she never once openly voiced her feelings for me. She hit on me when she was drunk or high, but I always put it down to the shit she put in her bloodstream.
“We didn’t.” She nods slowly. “But there was never an indication that I didn’t want you. I’ve always been yours, Cassian. You owned me before I even knew what that meant.”
Shaking my head, I offer a small smile. “You were too young to even know what those kinds of emotions were.” I reach for her face, my hand cupping her cheek, and she nuzzles into my touch as if I were her anchor to this world, rooting her to the here and now.
“Perhaps. But I also knew that my heart was stronger when I was with you; I felt at ease in my own shoes when I walked beside you, more than any other time in my life. And I breathed easier when you were around. The only person who understood me was you.”