“It’s expected that you’ll get tired. You’re not used to being home all day,” I tell her soothingly.
Riley glares at me. “That’s not helpful at all.” Her face immediately falls. “I’m sorry. I’m taking out my frustrations on you.”
I smile at her. “There’s nothing you can say or do that can make me mad at you. Nothing.”
She stares at me and then bursts into tears. I hurry to her side and drape an arm around her. “It’s going to be fine. I promise.”
When she stops crying, I return to my chair. “I wish I cried as neatly as you do. I hate that I ugly cry.”
She laughs. “Only you would compare how we cry. I’m sorry; I don’t even recognize myself anymore.”
I know that it’s hormones playing havoc on Riley’s mind, but it’s still worrying. She’s right in that she’s definitely not the cool and calm Riley I know. It’s also tough that her family is not around. It would have helped if she had the distraction of her mother, brother, and sister-in-law.
“Have you told your mother about this?” I ask her.
A look of horror comes over her features. “Can you imagine how worried she would be, with Eva on bed rest as well?”
“Yeah, I see what you mean.” What terrible luck that two women of the same family would both be on bed rest.
“But Leo’s mom is coming tomorrow. She insisted,” Riley says.
My worry instantly goes down a notch. Riley raves about how awesome her mother-in-law is. “That’s good news.”
She smiles. “Yeah, it is. The days will definitely be shorter.”
“I have some exciting news. Thomas and I are going for the first ultrasound today. We’ll get to see our baby.” Tears well up in my eyes as I speak. It’s one thing to know that you are carrying a baby in your belly and another to actually see him or her.
“Has it been eight weeks already?” Riley says.
I nod, too overcome by emotion to speak.
“It’s going to be so special. I remember when we saw our baby for the first time.” She giggles. “Leo burst into tears. I’ve never let him forget it.”
I giggle too. I can’t imagine the macho Leo bursting into tears. One thing I know, though, Thomas won’t be following suit. For one, we are not in love like Riley and Leo are. That kind of overwhelming emotion is brought about by knowing that you are having a baby with the person you love.
We indulge in baby talk for several minutes, and then at 1 PM, the front door opens, and a minute later, Leo strides into the room carrying a box of pizza.
“Hello, ladies,” he says and goes to kiss his wife and then gives me a quick hug.
“Hi,” I say and watch hungrily as he opens the box of pizza and displays it for us.
“Hungry, ladies?” Leo says.
“You know we are starving,” Riley says. “I’m tempted to throw a cushion at you, but I can’t risk hitting that box.”
He chuckles and excuses himself to grab some plates.
Minutes later, the only sound that can be heard in the room is the crunching of food. I insist on clearing up when we’re done, and I gather all the plates and the empty pizza box and carry them to the kitchen.
I wash up, return to the bedroom, and stop at the doorway as I catch Riley and Leo in a private moment. He’s kneeling by the bed with his hands cupped around her face and kissing her, clearly oblivious to the fact that there is someone else in the house.
I swallow a lump of saliva as I watch them. Overwhelming feelings of loneliness come over me. Seeing two people who love each other with all of their beings makes me aware of what I’m missing. I’ve been kidding myself that having a baby will be enough for me. I want what Riley and Leo have. I want to experience that kind of love. I love Thomas, but he can’t love me the way I want to be loved. His ability to love died with his wife.
After I give birth, I’ll cut sexual ties with Thomas. Give myself the chance to meet someone else and fall in love. If I keep sleeping with him, I’ll deny myself the opportunity of meeting my life partner.
***
I see Thomas’s car as soon as I step out of the gym building. We could easily have met at Dr. Phillips’s office for the ultrasound, but he insisted on picking me up and driving me there.
He gets out of the car when he sees me and opens the door for me. I kiss him on the cheek before slipping into the front passenger seat.
“How was your morning?” Thomas asks when he enters his side of the car.
He smells great and looks even better. He’s in an office shirt, a tie, and black pants. I think about the decision I made earlier about stopping sleeping with him when the baby comes. That’s going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But for my future and that of our baby, I’m going to have to. Our relationship would scar a child for life. A father who comes by for booty calls.